Jey Walking

thoughts that keep me up until 3am

2011-11-23T03:13:00.000-05:00

Every once in awhile the thought comes to me; I should put my life in order so I can be rebaptized. However; when I start thinking of the ways I would need to prepare for rebaptism I back away feeling it to be near impossible. The real question is, do I want it for the right reason?

I like the idea of being a fully-functional member of the church with all the blessings that come with such membership. However; does that mean I am also prepared for all the responsibilities that it entails? I feel like I only want the blessings without the sacrifice. That seems to be a common theme in my life.

I'm coming up on my seventh year of excommunication and I think given my beliefs and way of living, it would make it quite difficult to maintain my membership again. I am gay. I don't believe it is just some sort of "trial" I was given on Earth; this is who I am, among so many other things. I don't have a desire to be with a woman. Sure, the fantasy of living the cookie-cutter heterosexual life seems wonderful, but in reality it would never work.

I also have no desire to be celibate either. I crave affection like any other person and I know I would go insane if I repressed my feelings for another man and did not express myself physically. I do think it would be great to be chaste until married, now that it is legal in New York, but can I find a man willing to wait also? I can barely trust that any guy I am dating isn't dating several other guys at the same time, let alone think he's being chaste before our marriage.

So, back to rebaptism. Maybe the time is not right, maybe it is not now, maybe it is just not going to happen. I guess I have to decide if that's something I can live with; never being a member of the church again. Does that mean I am accepting a lesser degree of heaven, as well? Maybe I am alright with that, too. Sigh.

These are the thoughts that keep me up until 3am.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

undetectable VISIONARY - MY BOOK

2011-07-26T15:16:00.001-04:00

undetectable VISIONARY

someone turn on the light, please

2011-06-08T01:57:00.001-04:00

So I am at the point in this journey where and when I have the need to stop and think about where it is I am going. It would be cliche of me, or anyone, to say that I am at a crossroads; I'm not. I am just tired or walking around, aimlessly, in circles. Like most men, I have yet to stop and ask for directions when I am clearly lost.

I looked back on some of my posts housed in this blog and all I read is me, me, me and blah, blah, blah. It's the same crap spewed out over and over again. Whoop-di-do-dah! I've got HIV! Whoop-di do-dah! I'm struggling with A through Z. It's not to say that there haven't been some moments that are precious to me, but there's a lot of it, upon looking back, that gives me a headache.

Where am I going?

I never wanted to make this a place where I would just bitch all the time about my life and everything that's wrong with it. No one wants to read it. I don't want to read it. This blog is really supposed to be inspiring, uplifting and, at the least, enjoyable to read.

I am sitting here on my bed with Porter who keeps giving me those eyes that say, "Hurry up and go to bed." So I got to go soon.

Anyway, I look around my room and all I can see is a collection of BLAH. That is what this blog has turned into for me. I hope readers have gotten something out of this, but it's time to shift the aura, the attitude and the light of this place. It's beginning to get muggy, musky and dark.

My sincere hope is to bring the readers to a place where they can feel inspired. A place where one can read a post and smile; maybe share it with their friends and have it brighten their day. If this is already the case for you then, great, be prepared for it to get even better. For those who see what I see, the light is coming. Come to the light, Carol-Ann!

Thanks for sticking with me peeps!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

PS. Your prayers are always welcome :D

detox

2011-04-20T14:15:00.000-04:00

Last night I watched a man overdose and kill himself because he said he could no longer feel anything.

He was once a successful photographer that turned to a life of addiction and prostitution to get by. In the end he couldn't even tell his only friend that he loved him because love seemed so strange to a man who has sex for money. It was a sad story that reminded me of others I know and myself.

My life used to be like this man and a lot has changed either by force or by choice. I have never done drugs, but that's not to say that I've never been addicted. I still suffer from many addictions and there are days I feel nothing.

This last weekend I made a small inventory of my current life and became overwhelmed with my internal budget. I saw how much energy goes needlessly to parts of my life that would be better off removed from me.

Lately, I have been struggling to come to grips with the realities of my life. I decided to do what I usually do when I can't figure out my life; do my laundry, clean my room, organize and simplify. I did an amazing job this last couple days doing just that; seriously, if you ever need someone to spring clean, I'm the guy.

Being behind in school, struggling financially, having a pet die and enduring a long, sunless winter in a big, loud city has made it difficult to concentrate on my life. I really just want to go somewhere warm and feel alive again. I might even have to resort to tanning just to get some UV rays in my system. I miss San Diego with all my heart and though you never heard it from me, I sort of miss Atlanta, too. I think the reason for being somewhat homesick has little to do with the weather compared to being close to family and close friends.

I am hoping to make a comeback soon. I 'd like to reach my goals this year that include catching up with my schoolwork, getting my finances on track and focusing more on the good in my life and the good I can do for others. It's easy to be selfish in times of need and personal crisis, but I know that when I am stuck in a pit, the best way out is to help others that are in the pit with me.

I need an emotional, mental, spiritual and probably even, physical detox to leave behind the toxins in my life and replace them with healthy nourishment. It's no surprise that, though I am still undetectable, my T-Cells keep dropping. Stress can cause T-Cells to be more vulnerable and weaken my overall state of being. My hope is to kick my body, mind and spirit into gear and continue the race I started.

I have faith in my close friends and family that they will continue to be a support in my life no matter what my needs may be. I have faith in God and my Savior, Jesus Christ, that they will aid me in my journey through detox and complete wholeness.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

My Story; My Call for Action

2011-04-14T16:35:00.002-04:00

My life is not unlike many others. I too live on the roller coaster that is life; full of ups and downs, twists and turns. Throughout my young adult life I struggled with who I am and I can't say much has changed.

Part of my struggle included depression and choices that made it difficult to keep my head above water. From the age of 15 I became sexually active with guys from school and summer camps. By my senior year in high school I was meeting up with guys in their thirties. I was naive, but looking for love and everything in between. I did whatever my partners told me to do because I didn't know much about sex, so I took their word for it. A lot of time we didn't use protection and I figured I would be ok because they were nice guys.

Then, I heard that my mother was infected with HIV and that changed my world. If she could be infected, so could I. I started getting tested every now and then and it always came back negative. I reassured myself that because I wasn't a drug user or having sex with dirty guys, I would be alright.By 2005 my mother was living with AIDS, had one T-Cell left and finally started medication. Later that year I got really sick and went to get a full STD screening; the test came back positive for HIV, the first time in seven years of testing. My life changed from that point forward.

HIV can infect anybody; my mother, my friends, even me. It has not been easy to break bad habits of promiscuity and unprotected sex, but HIV has taught me a lesson about taking care of myself and others. I learned this lesson the hard way when I found out I had infected a friend, even though I thought we were careful. Fortunately, we have received medications, health services and programs are available to us to help us in this new world of HIV. We're both healthy and UNDETECTABLE!

Many out there don't have as easy access to what we have. Many don't even know they're positive because they don't get tested. Unfortunately, people are still dying of HIV/AIDS. Donating to the AIDS Walk is about HOPE;

HIV Outreach, Prevention and Education.

Whatever you can donate is great because it means:

one more person KNOWS THEIR HIV STATUS.

one more person LIVING LONGER.

one more person PREVENTING AN INFECTION.

one LESS DEATH.

Please walk with me on May 15th to show your support and/or donate today to my team. Take care and be well my friends!

Click here to donate =====> AIDS Walk 2011 Donation

♥ Jey

langston

2011-03-22T19:55:00.000-04:00

I'm sure many of you have already read on Facebook that I lost one of my cats yesterday to an Upper Respiratory Infection and Feline Infectious Peritonitis (FIP), a viral disease of cats caused by certain strains of a virus called the feline coronavirus. Though this is common in rescue kittens and cats, this happened all too fast and unexpectedly for me.

Langston was just about a year old and had so much energy. He was always getting into trouble and taunting his buddy Porter into wrestling. He was so loving and just loved to be touched and cuddled. He really was a friend of mine and Porter. My roommates came to love and appreciate his youthful charm and also miss him very much. If anyone were to leave their door open, there Langston would be, cuddled on there bed next to their pillow or hiding from Porter, under the bed. It wasn't a surprise to find him in the bathtub or climbing into the home entertainment center to rest by the warm TV. He really was the most curious, fun-loving cat I've come across. He was so forgiving; you could yell at him to get off the counter or give him his ear drops or clip his claws, which he abhorred, but right afterward he would purr and cuddle up into my arms and begged to get his head and his nose scratched. He was my "little bambino" or "monkey" as I affectionately called him.

I was there at the hospital to visit him one last time and as was common with him when he saw me he came right into my arms to cuddle. He was in a lot of pain and very scared, but he knew I was there to love him. I will never forget that moment that he recognized me after a few days of being apart and how, even though he could barely move, he made the effort to come to me and be loved.

I hugged him, pet him and after awhile said my goodbyes. The doctor gave him something to make him really sleepy, then gave him the shot to put him to rest. It was the first time I had ever really watched a living creature, especially one I was close to, leave this existence. I was there when he breathed his last breath and as sad as I was, I could not produce even a tear because the experience was just too unreal to me.

I came home to my other cat, Porter, who is also sad, but more importantly, needs me to think of him, love him and continue to taken care of his needs. This has kept my mind off the entire experience. In the last 24 hours I have tried to fill my mind with fond memories of the time we spent together; this has helped to a degree. The problem is I wish there was something I could have done to prevent this from happening or would have got him care sooner, but what's done is done. My life is still going and there's so much to do; it doesn't feel like I have anytime to breathe after this ordeal.

I am not sure if it's losing him that is such a big deal or the feeling of losing someone that hurts so bad. I've spent a good part of my life being abandoned and losing loved ones. It's always hard for me to really process my feelings and this situation is no different. I keep telling myself, like I have before, that it's not my fault. However; in the back of my mind, I still feel, in some way, that it is.

What's the lesson I can learn from this and other situations? I know that things happen for a reason or sometimes for no reason at all. Good things happen to bad people just as bad things happen to good people, but which am I? It's been four years since my grandmother's death, which is the last time I lost someone very close to me. Maybe it was time for me to feel loss and pain in a effort to keep me in touch with God. Of course I don't blame God for this, how could I? Sometimes it takes a tragedy to set me back on the path, seeking God's blessings and to put trust back into Him and not myself. Maybe this is one of those times.

I feel blessed to have been able to know Langston because he did make me so happy and I am glad that he is no longer in pain. Rest in peace my little bambino.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

get it right

2011-03-15T22:48:00.002-04:00

WOW! This sums up how I feel right about now.

Get It Right (GLEE)

What have I done? I wish I could
Away from this ship goin’ under
Just tryin’ to help, hurt everyone
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
‘Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I’ll get through this
What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
So I throw up my fist
I will punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair
Yeah, I’ll send out a wish
Yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!
What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

help thou mine unbelief

2011-03-08T17:21:00.001-05:00

My life is at a standstill, like a old western cowboy duel at high noon. I am on the dusty street; everyone is hiding, but peering out the windows to watch. I am dueling against myself; when I turn around to draw my weapon, I see myself in a mirror and hesitate to shoot. I cannot seem to get past the shame that has overtaken my life for over the last two decades of my life. In so many ways I have failed myself, my family, my friends, the world and God. My psychologist said, I'm measuring my life and its worth by my failures; he's right, I am because I hardly see or care about anything else. He asked me if I believe God had the power to heal me and redeem me. I said, yes. He asked me if I believed I was redeemable. I answered, no. And that in itself tells the whole story.

The second step in healing from shame or an addiction is to, "Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health." Now I know what the Atonement is, I know of Jesus Christ and that He is the Son of God and Savior to mankind. I know that I will be resurrected after this life, but I don't feel He can save me in this one. Can He redeem me? Yes. Will He? I highly doubt it.

People may see a kind, loving, friendly, giving and accomplished man in me, but all I really see is someone who has piled up so many poor choices whose consequences I may never be rid of, ever. I have hurt so many people in my lifetime, including myself. I have said horrible things, done terrible things and thought unforgivable things. What kind of hypocrite am I that wishes to change the world and serve others, but is, in so many ways, so selfish? I am not God; I do not see what He sees, but I know how I have lived my life; passing opportunities to change, to be better, to serve others and to be more like Him.

"O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins..."

2 Nephi 4:17-19

I am not Nephi, I do not have the courage to turn my life to God and to not only believe I can be changed, but to do anything about it. The third step in recovery is to move past simply believing that, "the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health," and moves into deciding, "to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ."

I cannot even trust myself. I can count on maybe one hand the people in my life that I can trust, without question; that I feel know me, love me and are close to me. Maybe I am exaggerating, but it feels like the circle is that small. I feel I have lived a life in constant abandonment. People have failed me throughout my life, whether they know it or not and whether it was intentional or not. Sometimes they haven't really failed me, but it just feels as if they have; I admit I am more sensitive than others.

So after all this ranting, what am I to do? I am not doing well at work, I am falling behind in school, my spiritual life is lacking and I have become socially inept. I am anchored down by my fear, guilt, shame and sadness. I have worn a mask to hide who I really am for so long that I am not sure if my face could handle the light if I took it off. I live in darkness and it has become a seemingly safe place for me, but I am starving, cold, feeble and alone. How could God see me for anything more than a black splatter on a clean, white canvas? How do I have hope when I feel hopeless? How do I trust when I live in fear and anxiety? How do I move from just believing in Christ to actually believing Him; trusting He can do all that He has promised to do?

"...Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."

Mark 9:24

confidently patient

2011-01-19T11:31:00.001-05:00

I decided that Martin Luther King Jr's Birthday/Holiday was the best day to look at my pile of past due bills and other financial papers. Instead of ignoring them as I usually do because of my lack of funds, I chose to face them and sacrifice what little I have to pay my bills. I feel better knowing I no longer have to look at them. (sighs)

Then I opened up my undergraduate student loan invoice. I'm still in school, so usually these get filed away both literally and mentally. I read that my principal balance is over $13,000 and cringed a bit, knowing that I wouldn't be able to pay that off for awhile, but it was within my reach to eventually achieve once I have a Master's level job and the salary that comes with it, right?

I felt adventurous and decided to log into my Sallie-Mae account online to look into the details of my student loans. I was silently thinking to myself, "Wow! I got away with murder with these loans, because I'm pretty sure my degree cost me over $60,000 after scholarships and grants...I guess I got some freebies somewhere I didn't see before."

Boy, was I ever wrong. I opened up my account to find that I owe nearly $65,000 just for my undergraduate degree. I'm in graduate school and will have to add well over $75,000. That's over $140,000 for education alone; needless to say, I flipped out. I'm due to graduate at the end of this year. Sadly, both the economy and the job market look pretty bad for my field; even at my education level. It seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction; financially, anyway.

I tried to go to sleep later that night, but I had a series of weird, meaningless dreams that kept me up. I laid in my bed with thoughts of being in poverty the rest of my life with no hope of a way out. I made promises to myself that i would clean up my finances and put my life in order, but I began to weep in despair because I truly have no idea where to start and how to go about accomplishing such a heavy task.

Finally around 6 am I gave up all my restless thoughts and just cried to God for help; I felt much like the prodigal son from Christ's sermon found in Luke 15

"...And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living. And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want. And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him. And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants."

I prayed for mercy and asked that my heart would no longer be filled with darkness and despair. I prayed that my Father in Heaven would allow me back into His household, even as one of His servants, instead of His son. I knew there was no other way to live if I did not humble myself before my Father and seek away out from my darkness and famine.

"And [I] arose, and came to [my] Father. But when [I] was yet a great way off, my Father saw me, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on [my] neck, and kissed [me]. And [I] said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry."

My eyes were filled with tears, but this time for joy because I knew my prayers had been heard. My Father in Heaven isn't going to fill up my bank account and pay off my debts, but He has and will fill up my spirit with love and peace. He will help me find ways to pay off my debt and live comfortably as I work hard to do what is right and live within my means.

As I prepared for my day, I opened up my scriptures for the first time in over a year and read where I had last left off. In Hebrews 10 and 11 it reads:

"But call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions...Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise...Now the just shall live by faith: but if any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him. But we are not of them who draw back unto perdition; but of them that believe to the saving of the soul. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

I smiled and realized that to receive God's blessings of comfort and security I would need faith and patience. It is not always easy to rely on the Lord's timing, but it is required for peace and happiness. I wondered how this might effect my day moving forward because I read that wonderful line that spoke to me gently saying now that you have received illumination you will endure a great fight of afflictions. At least it's not Monday, right?

I went on cleaning up my room and getting ready for work. I decided I needed some music to listen to because it was amazingly too silent for New York City at 7 am. A beautiful version of that stately hymn, Come, Come Ye Saints came on and the verse repeated the day's theme and lesson to be learned:

"Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so, all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward,
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take;
Our God will never us forsake."

Well it was time to get on with the day and I left the apartment with great optimism that I would have a wonderful winter's morning. Immediately outside of the apartment building began the list of things that would try and test my patience but also offer me a chance to see that it wasn't all that bad:

The light snow turned into icy rain; I didn't bring an umbrella and the sidewalks turned into a slippery, slushy mess. However; I didn't have very far to go to my train station and I was warm.

The dry cleaners wife doesn't speak English and doesn't know how to use a credit card. However; I don't have to pay until Thursday.

I got on a train that was stuck behind another train with a sick passenger. A 30 minute trip turned into an hour. However; I got to sit down.

A large woman squished into a tiny open spot on the subway bench making it very uncomfortable for me to sit down. However; I still didn't have to stand up the entire hour and constantly shift around as more passengers boarded.

A soaking wet woman and her soaking wet umbrella stood right next to me and began to drip all over the floor. However; I was not soaking wet and cold and she wasn't really getting me wet at all.

I had trouble getting around people and their gigantic umbrellas while slipping all over the sidewalks. However; I got a smoothie and oatmeal from Jamba Juice for under $4 (Usually it's like $8) to keep me happy.

People keep calling incessantly about very odd topics that have very little to do with my job. However; I get paid relatively a lot just to answer the phone. Also the Dean brought in some Dutch chocolates straight from her trip to Amsterdam; so that's not bad at all.

The point is that God loves me and it's easy for me to focus everyday on what is going wrong in my life, to lose hope and fall into despair, but truly there is a silver lining if I look for it.

"...He has poured out his Spirit upon [me], and has caused that [my] heart should be filled with joy, and has caused that [my] mouth should be stopped that [I] could not find utterance, so exceedingly great was [my] joy." Mosiah 4:20

You have been caught Jey Walking!

going backwards to move forward

2011-01-18T12:37:00.001-05:00

A couple nights ago I had another one of my prescribed drug-induced dreams. This dream, unknown to me at the time, is presumably about the afterlife.

I was in a place that was serene and in the company of good people. In this place, people were on a type of a journey, traveling through all sorts of landscapes and constantly moving. I was also on this journey; my travel companions were a couple that were at least in the sixties and a younger child. I am not sure who these people represent, but we were connected and it seemed like the couple were my grandparents, but not necessarily the ones I knew in this life, which seems odd to me. Looking back on the dream it occurs to me that the younger child is probably a younger version of myself. The focus of the dream was on the relationship I had with this couple and our journey together.

As we journeyed through an assortment of lands the weather also began to change slightly, meaning clouds replaced blue skies and the wind picked up. Eventually we had to climb rough mountains, much like the ones from the Lord of the Rings movies. The weather remained relatively calm compared to how it looked, but the journey for the couple was not as easy as when we started in the beautiful valley.

I noticed something else change that was very odd. The couple began to age as we traveled and it became harder for them to make the journey, but the child and I remained the same age. For the child and myself, the journey's effort remained the same, almost as if we were only floating along as companions to the couple. I became very concerned about the couple's withered and worn out state, but there was nothing I could do to help them. Eventually, the older man smiled and slowly vanished before my eyes leaving behind a numbered ticket, similar to a large raffle ticket. I was told to hold on to the ticket until the time came to give it away. I was very sad and began to weep openly for what seemed to be a personal loss or death. The older woman began to well up with tears but quickly wiped them away and began to smile. She leaned toward me to tell me that he chose to leave because it was his time and that we shouldn't mourn his absence but move forward.

It then occurred to me that we had been traveling backwards the entire time and it was only until that time that the woman said we should move forward that we began to walk forward. As we walked forward the landscape became easier, the weather more serene and we eventually descended from the mountains back to the lush valley. Also, as we moved forward I looked back at the woman and she became younger than before. As we entered the valley we were met by another older man who greeted us with a smile and asked for the ticket I had been given to hold. I was very hesitant, but the woman gently reassured me that it was alright and that this is what I was meant to do. Then I felt a prompting to awake and ponder the dream.

Everything seemed to have a meaning and purpose. I still cannot fully explain what this dream means, but I know that this dream represents something special and important. When I have dreams similar to this one, I wake up with a feeling that I should write it down, study its meaning and share it with others here. I hope that something good comes from following such feelings. I believe that God had a hand in switching my medication so that I would have these types of dreams more often. Who knew having HIV would be some type of blessing? Maybe I'm wrong about this all and it really is just another crazy dream. You can decide for yourself; I'm not here to prove anything, but rather to share a story.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

2011: A year in preview

2011-01-08T11:54:00.001-05:00

I didn't do a 2010 year in review, sad. 2010 wasn't all that bad, but I'd rather not waste my time trying to remember what happened. I have only one resolution which is to not having any resolutions; contradictory much?

I've decided to look forward into the new year starting with what I've learned so far in 2011:

I spend more than I make; financially, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. In all these ways I'm more in debt than I will admit.

In New York City, the wind, rain or snow will always blow in my face regardless of the direction I'm headed or how hard I try to block it from hitting me.

Cats become friends much like people do. They express their opinions and fight until they realize they have something in common, then, they play.

It's time to take care of myself because no one else should have to do it for me.

I don't need hundreds of "friends" on Facebook, I need a few close friends to spend time with, talk to and love.

It's a waste of time expecting that an impossible problem will someday turn into a possible solution.

There's a lot more to minimalism than I previously thought; mostly effort and willpower is required.

I may say I want to be re-baptized, but what really want is everything to be handed to me without sacrifice and that is what makes me cry.

I may say I love my family and friends, but I don't show it. I stand around waiting for them to show their love to me.

Agency is not easy. Choosing to come here and get a physical body is a blessing, but I can understand why some chose what they thought was the easy way out.

It's not the gifts I give or get, but the love expressed in them that matters. An expensive, thoughtless gift from someone who is only trying to patronize or impress me is not as touching as the simple, thoughtful gift I know and feel came out of love and vice versa.

Who and where I surround myself dictates my choices and character.

"Conformity is your greatest asset in your quest for acceptance. How highly you prize your individual personality traits, characteristics, vices, and styles will impact how you interact and integrate within your specific social strata. Some people have such overwhelming charisma, looks, ambition, personality, or testimony that they can overcome severe deficiencies in other areas. Most people don't, and assimilation is their best bet." Joe P. Smith

Making stupid choices leads to stupid consequences.

A relationship of any type must be tested for it to survive.

Don't expect anything more. Don't accept anything less. / Accept more. Expect less.

One day a cure will be found for HIV/AIDS, but that won't necessarily save my life if I don't find ways to cure myself of my spiritual and emotional diseases.

I shouldn't write for fortune cookies.

Happy New Year 2011!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

how christmas stole the grinch

2010-12-28T13:47:00.001-05:00

I feel sad that this year I admit freely that I have little or no Christmas spirit in me. It’s not that I don’t believe in and celebrate the birth of Jesus, but rather that I live in a cold, commercial and abrasive town known as New York City that sometimes acts as a barrier to my ability to be kind, loving, thoughtful and more Christlike.

Usually my heart is beaming with Christmas joy, holiday music and a sense of charity towards others, but this year something was missing. I didn’t attend any holiday parties, serve the homeless or foster youth or go caroling; I felt no need to be filled with love and share that love with others. I usually pride myself on presenting my church’s congregation with a Christmas song medley masterpiece that I mulled over since September, not this year; I just didn’t have it in me.

Other than being a resident of New York City, I can’t help to wonder what else has contributed to this down-trodden spirit of mine. I see commercials on television and YouTube clips that friends share on Facebook of others sharing the magic and love of Christmastime with their loved ones or those in need and though I may be touched for a moment, there hasn’t being that deep impact I look forward to each year. This is the time of year I look forward to when I feel like despite all that is wrong in my life or in the world, everything will be okay. It’s when I recognize that Christ was born on Earth long ago, He came to help mankind and He did through His awesome and everlasting Atonement. That’s the good news and the joy of the gospel that I know to be true and that I feel within me; He came, He lived, He taught, He led the way, He died for us and now He lives again!

So why can’t I allow even these thoughts I am writing permeate my cold heart and make it grow three sizes in one day like the Grinch when he sees Christmas come anyway despite his trying to destroy it? I am sure the answer is to ask for God’s love and feel the Christmas spirit, to help others feel it through acts of service and to find ways to surround myself with uplifting situations that spark within me the feelings of charity, peace, joy and love. I suppose this problem isn’t necessarily related to or isolated to Christmas either; maybe it’s time to find time each day to allow God to take control and priority in my life and not my own selfish desires.

Every Christmastime I think of the gifts that were bestowed to the baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Faith, love and devotion were given by the shepherds; gold, frankincense and myrrh given by the wise men. The gifts of the wise men were not given as mere tokens, but as support to the family who were escaping the wicked king. They would need these gifts to buy to food, supplies, transportation and to buy passageway into Egypt. These seem small gifts compared to the mighty gift that Jesus would someday give to the world, but they were necessary for their physical survival, just as the Atonement is necessary for our spiritual survival.

Around this time I wonder what gift I could give to Christ for His love and many, great sacrifices. Of course, no gift that I can give will measure up to the eternal measure of the Atonement. All I can truly give the Savior is my heart, my faith, love and devotion as the shepherds did. I feel that the greatest gift I can give to the Lord is to allow Him into my heart and let Him lead me. In Job 23:10 it reads, “But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” As I allow Him to test and try me, He refines me into a worthy gift for the kingdom; I come forth refined as gold; a gift fit for a King.

I may have not found a way to melt my heart completely this year, but it helps that I am around family and that I know I have friends and family around the world who love me, even if I am Grinch. My Christmas wish is to allow the gifts of our King into my heart and as it permeates, I may return that gift to Him in the form of my faith, love and devotion. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

A Letter and Call for Action from a friend

2010-12-10T16:50:00.001-05:00

A Letter and Call for Action from a friend:

"Dear Friends, Family and Business Associates-

Recently I vowed to serve my nation as a member of the Armed Forces. It is something that I feel compelled to do, something that I feel is right, something that I feel is my role. It may seem out of character, but truly what is out-of-character about wanting to protect and serve the nation I call home? Being a member of the military requires the highest moral standards and requires living up to a creed of excellence far above the rest of society.

However, there is legislation that prevents all member of the armed service from serving with Honor in everything that they do. This legislation, Don't Ask Don't Tell, requires service men and women to lie about something so very trivial. It is also discriminatory and flies in the face of the very freedoms that the military seeks to protect.

"Liberty and justice for all." That is the pledge of allegiance that I remember saying each and every day as a young school boy. I don't recall saying 'liberty for those that i like and not for anyone else', or 'justice for those I deem religiously acceptable,' or 'liberty and justice all except the gays.' That wasn't the lesson that I was

taught. I was taught by my parents, my teachers, my friends that anyone with a dream and a desire to abide by the laws of this land that protect ALL could achieve their dream and become great. So I ask each of you to please support the repeal of DADT and support those men and women that seek to become great and do great things in the service of this nation.

Regardless of your faith, your political party, or your personal feelings this is the right thing to do and must be done. Please stand with the President, whether you like him or not, as he tries to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell.

http://my.barackobama.com/RepealDADT-share

Please call your Congressmen and ask them to support the Repeal of DADT

https://writerep.house.gov/writerep/welcome.shtml

Contact your Senators and ask them to support equality for all and Repeal DADT

http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

I just did will you join me?

-N. E.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

please exit to the left

2010-12-02T17:52:00.001-05:00

Another World AIDS Day has come and gone. This year I have resisted becoming too involved with all the ceremonies, news of progress, politics, policy and the many obstacles that still stand in the way of a true cure. I have glanced at the news as it has come and I do believe we're getting closer, but for me I have to focus on other parts of my life because HIV is not who I am.

After being diagnosed five years ago, I have gone all over the place with this disease; low T-cells, high T-cells, undetectable, detectable, healthy and not so healthy. I started taking three pills a day to help suppress my high viral load; now I take just one. I now take Lexapro to buffer the side effects of my potent HIV pill, a prescribed daily vitamin, medication for my thyroid problem and prescribed Naproxen to alleviate my arthritis. At only six pills a day, I understand that I am fully blessed by God, medicine and modern-day science because I'm alive and others are not. I will never really be able to complain about this disease because I will most likely never have a reason to. More people with HIV/AIDS are living longer like my mother who at 62 years old is at least a 20 year old survivor. Long life is certainly something to be thankful for. This recent Thanksgiving I sat at my table with my roommates and thanked God for my health and strength; in one simple phrase: L'Chaim or 'to life' as my Jewish family around the world would say. That said: Happy Hanukkah my friends and family; may the lights of the menorah shine long and bright! Thank God for the miracles, redemption, mighty deeds, saving acts and wonders that He wrought for our ancestors and for us today!

Moving on...

Lately, I have been dreaming a lot because my HIV medication's side effects include vivid dreams, hallucinations and sometimes, night terrors. Most nights I have three separate dreams that are usually unrelated. The first dream is usually associated with whatever comes to mind as I fall asleep like what I just finished watching on TV, a recent conversation or random thoughts from the day. The second dream is usually related to me and/or my family members and is based on past events from reality; these can be the most frightening and I usually wake up shortly after they end. The third dream is usually associated with something crazy, random and probably more of a hallucination than anything else. By that time, my cat has climbed into my bed and started attacking my hands or face, sirens and construction outside begin to become louder and my stomach hurts for food.

The other night I had this dream that was very powerful to me and I woke up with some weird feelings about what occurred. The dream was the second one of the night, so I felt it was about me, but I wasn't in it that I could tell. The dream took place in the Garden of Eden and I watched the events unfold involving God, Adam and Eve take place that wasn't exactly how the Bible tells it in my mind. I remember Adam and Eve being very innocent and blissfully ignorant, but they were frustrated because they weren't sure what else to do other than enjoy life in the garden naming animals and laying around naked. Plus, they wanted to be like God and they sensed something was missing from their lives that caused them to be unlike Him. They were constantly looking for ways to be different, but they always reverted back to being innocent and ignorant instead of changing who they were and what they did.

Later in the dream, Eve gave into temptation and Adam followed her because he wanted to see what it was like and didn't want to be alone. Was this the first act of peer pressure? Probably not. But, Adam and Eve were excited, scared, full of joy and sadness simultaneously. They weren't able to control their new-found emotions and feelings. They hid from God because although they were glad they had these new feelings, it went against what they were told to do: don't eat this fruit.

When God confronted them, Adam and Eve didn't cower before Him; they argued with Him, they cried, they tried to explain why their decision was right, they didn't understand why God would put the fruit there if He didn't want them to take it. The argument went on for some time, but finally God told them they had to leave, but that He still loved them dearly. Adam and Eve wept, but they obeyed God and followed His angel out of the garden they knew to be home and into the rough, callous Earth that would be their new home.

It was a very dramatic dream and it made me feel angry and sad because this deep part of me says to myself: I don't want to leave the garden, I don't want to be cut off from your presence, I don't want to feel pain, but I do want to love, follow and be like you, Father. Why must it be like this?

The answer is in the good news; the gospel plan of happiness and salvation.

I feel this dream is so relevant to me because there is a deep part of me that doesn't want to leave the garden, or be cut off or to feel pain, but I have to because I have eaten the fruit. So, here I am on this rough, callous Earth still desiring to love, follow and be like my Father.

Later in the dream I saw Adam and Eve struggle for years and years to stay close to God, keep commandments and live their earthly lives. In the dream it took Adam years to be worthy of God's priesthood and to work miracles in His name. It took years for the altar sacrifices to be worthy enough for God's approval and blessing, but they still did it and pressed on.

How am I not in the same boat as Adam and Eve in this dream?

I am struggling to stay close to God, to follow Him and live this earthly life. I do press forward, doing what I can or am willing to do, but I don't feel it is enough to be worthy for His approval and blessings. I am sure Adam and Eve, in this dream, said to God, "I want, I want, I want" and never received because they needed to grow and be tested; in many ways I am in the same situation.

I know this has come up a few times on this blog and within conversations I've had with many of you and others. I do want to be worthy for God's approval and blessings. I do want to be re-baptized and have all my blessings restored and others bestowed upon me. Right now, though, it feels like I keep saying I want, I want, I want and I'm not placing sacrifices upon the altar that show my true sacrifice and desires. In many ways, I feel like I have lost the knowledge, power and willingness to do it anymore and overcome the obstacles I face which are not unlike many of yours and others'.

I believe in the power of dreams and visions and I know that God has given me the gift to interpret dreams and visions properly so that I may draw closer to Him. I know that this dream tells me that everyone, including Adam and Eve, have had to and do fight and struggle to love, follow and be like God.

To live this earthly life, we give up the innocence, the ignorant bliss and the constant presence of God and we must trek forward through trials, tribulations, pain, sorrow, loss and sadness. The good news of the gospel is that we have not been left alone to do any of this on our own because of the great Atonement of Jesus Christ, our Savior, the true gospel restored by Joseph Smith, the many revelations, keys, ordinances and blessings of the Church of Jesus Christ, a living, modern-day prophet and the power and gift of the Holy Ghost. All these things bring joy, happiness, love, life, blessings, gifts, gain and peace.

And to all this I say once again, L'Chaim! Thank God for the miracles, redemption, mighty deeds, saving acts and wonders that He wrought for our ancestors and for us today!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

The Seventh Sun

2010-11-10T16:00:00.001-05:00

I am currently working on my other blog,
The Seventh Sun: A Collection of the Creative,
(http://theseventhsun.blogspot.com/)
that is comprised of my lyrics, poetry, short-stories and soon, artwork.

I am basically going through all my creative work and laboriously transcribing every handwritten work onto my blog so it's easier to access and save.

I hope that you will take the time to read my work. Creative writing and art in all its forms are a large part of who I am.

Here are some poems that I haven't published on the blog yet, that I wanted to share with you:

"Morning Prayer"

sometimes living in this world
it seems like i am all alone and it is a little scary
but when i fall on my knees, plead and pray to god,
i know that christ is with me

i do not always remember
to keep hope and faith in my heart
when i forget them altogether
that is when the spirit seems to part

i bow my head so i don't go too far
then i know that he hears me
and even answers my prayers
he sends me all the comfort that i need
and releases me from my captor's snare

just a little faith and a lot of hope will suffice
to feel the great, unconditional love of jesus christ
that is why i thank god, heavenly father above
for our morning prayers together
and his many gifts of love

###

"Bread of Life; Living Waters"

in memory of his sacrifice
when jesus gave up his life
to give his body and his blood
was to give us his greatest love
though he surely, for us, had to die
the lord omnipotent did surely rise

###

"My Shepherd"

how many times must i wander
from thy flock, oh lord?
how many days must i spend lost,
wounded, alone and scared?

i cannot help but to cry
"where are you lord in my hour of need?"
i am afraid i can cry no more
lest the wolves find my weakness before thee.

my shepherd, my lord, my savior , my friend;
i pray do not leave me in the wilderness to die.
come to my aid and rescue; please save me,
i am wounded and broken where i lie.

my shepherd, my lord, my savior, my friend;
come to me, bandage my wounds and carry me home i pray.
put me on thy shoulders and show me thy mercy;
grant me thy peace, thy love and thy grace.
my shepherd, my lord;
carry me home to stay.

###

"I Have Slipped"

oh my shepherd and my savior,
wilt thou bend thy ears to my voice?

oh my lord and my friend,
wilt thou give they peace to my soul?

oh my rock and my healer,
wilt thou mend my broken heart?

oh my messiah and my redeemer,
wilt thou live to make me whole?

###

Thanks you for your support in all of my many endeavors.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

when i get knocked down, i get up again

2010-10-22T15:59:00.000-04:00

My greatest source of anxiety in life has always been that I feel like I have to be a certain person to so many different people; to the point where I am unsure of who I really am. The blessing of being able to adapt to so many types and backgrounds of people is that I feel I can have a better sense of empathy and compassion for them; especially in times of need. This is nothing new, I was like this growing up; I always had different sets of friends; I always wore clothing to coincide with whatever group I was hanging out with, I always talked the way they did, etc. and the groups never meshed so without these groups I failed to recognize myself.

I guess my point is that, like some people, I am still trying to pin down who I am, what I am, my purpose, my identity; outside of being a child and son of God. I know the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, so I know that my eternal identity is really all that matters, but in mortality we are here to flesh out the other wonderful parts of who we are; to be tested, learn and grow beyond our pre-mortal experience or lack of. I know if I want to truly grow and be grounded, my life here needs to be rooted in gospel living, but frankly, at this point, I have all but given up on trying to feel the spirit or communicate with God. I love feeling the spirit, I love stability, I love happiness, growth and knowledge, but after so many years of struggling with my issues of addiction, abandonment, abuse and anxiety, I have reached a point where I am simply gliding and it's no picnic; when the storms come, I get blown away or knocked down.

Nearly six years ago I chose to be excommunicated because I knew I was only doing myself more harm than good bringing condemnation upon myself as a priesthood holder and member of the Church. My resolve has been since I was diagnosed with HIV to learn more about who I am, allow myself some breathing room, make mistakes without church disciplinary action and unlock the puzzles within. The hope is that sooner than later, I will be at one with myself while allowing the Atonement to heal me in emotional, mental, physical and spiritual ways I never thought possible. Best case scenario is that I will be rebaptized and receive all the blessings of church membership, the priesthood and the temple in this lifetime. But if not, I am still a good person whom God loves and I will leave this life hopefully with a great understanding of who I am and be happy where I end up in the life to come, despite not receiving those blessings in this life. God is merciful, kind, compassionate, loving, almighty, magnificent and all-knowing. I know He has watched me struggle with my problems within my family, within the world and within myself. The world may not see how far I have come and what I have achieved despite my weaknesses, but God does and I pray that He will continue to have mercy on my soul.

I am not giving up or giving in, but rather stating the obvious, that my fight is far from being over.

I appreciate your prayers, love, support and concern as I continue to battle.

near death experience

2010-10-14T19:22:00.000-04:00

In my last post I wrote about what was happening to me in my life; simply put, my life seems to be on a downward slope. Some things I have control over and others I do not, but I have always been quite the anxious person. As a side note, I feel some people confuse anxiety with impatience. In my opinion, there is a vast difference between the two, but they share commonalities.

Anxiety is this overwhelming emotional, mental and physical sensation that surrounds much of what I feel I cannot control. It is about everything boiling simultaneously and creating this pressure that will inevitably explode, that I seemingly have absolutely no control over. I can not breathe properly, focus my attention, think clearly or make wise decisions when anxiety strikes. I am not saying that anxiety cannot be controlled, but rather that it seems to strike at random, on its own terms and is usually the result of deep-seeded, underlying issues that have little to do with the struggle at hand.

Patience, or the lack of it, seems to be about outward, day-to-day choices; being impatient, for me, is a fleeting moment and goes away in a short amount of time. I find that my patience level is related to my level of responsibility and accountability. If I am waiting behind a disabled senior citizen who is taking forever, I can choose any number of choices that each come with their own consequence. It is not the only time this has ever happened to me and usually the real issue is that I did not plan my time out properly to include possible situations like ones that would drive me up a wall.. Usually I just get annoyed, see if I can assist them in anyway or just tune the whole situation out, but in the end, the way I react has more to do with my choices. Procrastination leads me into darkness and opens the gate to impatience, which can only be followed by a lack of self-worth and anxiety. I used to have a sign on my door that read, Procrastination is a Dirty Word; I have this to be the truth.

The following is not something I really want to talk about, but I think it is something I need to talk about to help myself and possibly someone else.

Throughout my life I have entertained thoughts of suicide or physical harm to myself, but I have never taken it so seriously to even remotely get close to doing anything of that nature. This is not to say I have not turned to alcohol, sexual promiscuity, impulse shopping or any other number of outlets to get me through the moment. I have also turned to healthier outlets that include walking, running, massage, bubble baths, playing the piano, phoning a friend or writing in my journal. Today I am writing on my blog in an effort to get through the moment.

Last week I ran out of my anti-anxiety medication and could not get a refill from my doctor for a week. My HIV medication includes side effects like nightmares, vivid dreams, hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. Without my anti-anxiety medication in place, my emotional and mental state can go down the drain really fast. This last week without my medication has been a living hell for both me and my dear friend and roommate who has had to step in an protect me from myself.

On several occasions in the last week I pondered harming and/or killing myself to stop the pain of anxiety that had taken over. I do not know what actually stopped me each attempt, but I thank God I never went through with it and I thank my best friend for being there for me each time I threatened my life. At one of my lowest moments my sister answered my 2 am phone call; however; if you see me around anytime soon, you will notice I have no hair due to my final attempt to end my life later that morning. Thankfully, I got to the doctor yesterday and am back on medication to help me remain stable. I can only imagine how much pain one feels that actually goes through with a suicide; my heart and soul goes out to them because I have touched upon that moment of hopelessness and despair.

Recently, in the news, I have read and heard about the several suicides by teens and college students in response to bullying. The media and celebrities have made anti-bullying a buzz topic again, but they have failed to address the importance of mental health issues. Many of these people may have endured any range of anxiety and depression; yes, bullying is horrible and certainly adds to the problem, but let us remember to look at the whole picture.

I read this article recently addressing this topic about the way the media has addressed bullying-related suicides:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_upshot/20101013/pl_yblog_upshot/expert-says-media-dangerously-ignores-mental-illness-in-coverage-of-gay-teen-suicides

"By putting forth bullying as a "cause" of suicide and ignoring underlying mental-health issues that are present in 90 percent of people who die by suicide, the national media may be "normalizing" suicide as a rational response to bullying. For (people) already at risk, this could be a dangerous message."

On this note I am hoping to reach out to those effected by various mental health issues as I am. Suicide or physical harm to oneself or another is not a valid answer, even though in certain states of mind, it may feel that way. During this recent General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, several speakers addressed the topic of Satan's plan to make us, "miserable like unto himself."

"Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself...I would that ye should look to the great Mediator, and hearken unto his great commandments; and be faithful unto his words, and choose eternal life, according to the will of his Holy Spirit; and not choose eternal death, according to the will of the flesh and the evil which is therein, which giveth the spirit of the devil power to captivate, to bring you down to hell, that he may reign over you in his own kingdom."
2 Nephi 2:27-29

Our great Mediator has made it possible for all of us to make choices and live according to the results of those choices. However; we can not always control our environments, other people's choices and unforeseeable events that cause problems. Still, the Lord provides several outlets to deal will our problems and unfortunately, so does Satan. We have have to do our best to choose what is right for ourselves.

When it comes to mental health issues: feelings of deep sadness, depression, anxiety, hopelessness and despair, we have to find ways, whether though medication, therapy, friendship, prayer, meditation or other outlets, to deal with life. It is not easy and often there seems like there is no way out; it can be a sickening, gut-wrenching feeling. I have been there, friends have been there, members of my family have been there. I am encouraged to know that I am not alone in this life. Maybe not everyone has someone who lives with them, loves them or cares about them, but we are not alone for a reason. Once I sought relief from my problems and anguish with a stranger on the train and it made all the difference. Just telling someone else that I was hurting and was in need helped.

There are so many ways to get help and find ways to eventually overcome fears, doubts and bad days because Christ made it possible to overcome death, both spiritually and physically, which includes our mental and emotional lives. Nothing so important as our lives and mental health ever changes overnight so I know I have to find ways to take simple steps; ones I know I can take.

My hope is that anyone reading this or otherwise will never feel so alone, hopeless or in despair enough to do which can not be undone. I humbly seek to be non-judgmental of those who have gone through and acted upon these awful thoughts of suicide, how can I judge when I do not know all things. I do not know what becomes of that person, but I hope and pray that they will one day find the grace and peace of God's love and almighty hands. I reach out my hands and love to those struggling with these thoughts of loneliness, hopelessness and despair and pray that you will find ways to find peace and love through healthy outlets and people who can help in your moments of need and pain. I acknowledge that it was only through the love of God, family and friends that I am here today. I have the opportunity to still to do what I can with what I have. Please pray for those who struggle with mental health issues, face demons everyday and/or contemplate physical harm or suicide. Let us all shine a light on the darkness of hidden, underlying issues that many people deal with in their lives. Every life deserves hope including yours!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

what's happening to me?

2010-10-07T16:14:00.001-04:00

My health seems to have turned around, not for the better.

I was undetectable and healthy for a year and now I am back to being detectable with lowered T-Cells and an ongoing thyroid problem.

This seems to be the least of my worries, though I have had to change my HIV medication from the Viramune + Truvada cocktail to Atripla. Mentally, I have not had much control over my moods, emotions and ability to focus. This is a serious issue for a graduate student. I may be losing my job at school and pretty much having to drop out of my program or slow it down to a near halt.

My heart is halfway full of sadness and loneliness; my way of life is exhausting me. I find it so hard to live consistently within any borders or lines like those of the gospel plan or norms of society. I feel tossed and turned with every strong breeze or storm that comes my way. God's promise to those who don't root themselves in their covenants to Him that supplies protection and continual support is that they may find themselves lost and alone.

Have you ever lost something but everything kept telling you in your mind that you knew where it was? I refuse to calm down and ponder where my lost item is, but instead rummage through everything trying to find it, which usually results in rage, frustration and emotional breakdown.

I swear I know where my testimony of the gospel and my Savior Jesus Christ is, but I am having a hard time finding where I left it. I swear I know where I left my solid relationships of support, love and family, but I am having a hard time finding it. I swear I know where I left my soul, my heart and my spiritual hunger and thirst, but for some reason I am having trouble finding it.

I hear people talk about prayer, scripture studying and pondering and other wonderful things, but for me, it seems like there are always a few steps that come before I resolve to do those things. It's obvious, right? Faith. Hope. Charity. Humility. Repentance. Forgiveness. I am taking a guess that these steps aren't a one time deal.

My professor, incidentally my adviser and boss, is suggesting that I drop his course because I lack focus and am way behind. He told me that it is not that the material is intellectually over my head because I am pretty smart, but that it may be the load of work I have to do that is causing me problems and anxiety. This is very similar to my relationship to the gospel and this course called mortality that I am taking. Intellectually I know the material, I understand the concepts and overall I could probably write a book about all I think I know about it, but what I lack is the ability to do the work.

I am filled with fear of failure and disappointment; the anxiety becomes a bigger monster than the work itself. The problem I face is unlike the class at school which I can drop or take over again, what am I supposed to do about this life? I can't just drop it and take it over again, can I? Nope. So, inevitably I am filled with anxiety and extreme pressure to achieve what seems nearly impossible in a fixed amount of time.

My professor said another thing about the course work: he didn't expect me to do it alone; he doesn't expect anyone to do it alone because it's tough. Likewise, I truly feel that God doesn't expect that we go through this life alone. The work is tough, so He sent His Son Jesus Christ to help out. Jesus can only do so much; you can only lead a horse to water, right? Right now I am going back and forth on whether I want that water or not, but the truth is if I don't decide soon, I could die of thirst. That would be sad and quite a waste.

I know this has come out as a ramble rant, but I needed it; I'm scared.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

what? a new blog? yeah!

2010-09-30T14:24:00.000-04:00

Be on the look out for my new blog "My Long Walk Down A Short Road" that will focus on my life from childhood to late-twenties. I hope this will shed more light on who I am by allowing readers to see where I have come from and what I have been through. Please support my effort to delve into my past life and explore how I became who I am today. If possible, it may also help others relate to my experiences and feel inspired or comforted that we are not alone in this earthly experience. What happens in this life is not always enjoyable, but as I have found, it can serve to develop one's character for the better.

"Jey Walking" will remain my present-day blog, so you can continue following me here too. Thanks for everything my little Jey Walkers.

http://longwalkdownashortroad.blogspot.com

home

2010-09-15T13:34:00.004-04:00

The popular idiom says home is where the heart is, but what if you're heart is broken?

Then, where and what is home?

I come from a broken family and a broken existence. I have no roots. I often feel lost, alone and like an aimless wanderer wrapped up in my dreams that are without direction or focus.

I want to know what home feels like. My home was never consistent or like any others I have ever interacted with. When I was a child, my parents were just as immature and childish as I was. They were selfish, needy and destructive; not the role models an impressionable mind needs.

My older siblings were expected to take charge and take care of the younger siblings; however, they were inconsistent because they weren't equipped with the knowledge, wisdom and maturity it takes to be a parent, but I give them great credit, because they did their best and saved my life. This is not home.

I have always been pretty close to most of my siblings, but I grew up feeling very disconnected and separate from my family; very independent. I even felt like I was constantly competing with those siblings I lived with for love and affection from other family members. Is this a normal part of growing up or did I have special needs or problems?

I am actually very grateful to be able to travel and see my family more often and communicate with them through texts, chats and facebook. But, this does not feel like home.

As an adult I have experienced relationships and friendships of all kinds that have been emotional and intimate on many levels. I have counted many of my closest friends as my brothers and sisters because of our emotional bonds we share. This still is not home.

Whether I am in San Diego, Atlanta, Washington, DC or New York City, I feel homeless. Whether I am with my parents, siblings or close friends, I still feel alone. Whether I feel God's love around me and know of His love for me, it is difficult for me to envision where I fit in his home, if at all.

I feel like I have made a cardboard cut out home for myself made up of positive memories, overwhelming emotions, HIV, the loss of my grandmother who was one of my best friends and my personal dreams. I relate this home to the house that was built upon the sand.

"And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it." Matthew 7: 27

I am not sure that my house full of random feelings and experiences will carry me into the kingdom of God, much less, get me through the rest of this life. I can only hope that as I grow in wisdom, I will make necessary repairs to my home and prepare it for the storms that come, so that I will endure them with faith and strength.

I know this life is a test. My test may include being alone and lost for a little while. This is not a trivial life or existence.

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”
Teilhard de Chardin

I am not meaning to sound ungrateful to my God and Savior, friends and family who pray for me and love me unceasingly, but I am afraid I will die without a sense of home; a sense of warmth, family and unity. Even my cat, Porter, welcomes me home with a hug and affection, but as much love as I feel from him, it will never repair the damage of the past; only the Atonement of Jesus Christ can perform such a miracle and that is a lifelong process.

Last Sunday afternoon I watched for the first time, The Wiz. Now, I've heard Michael Jackson sing the song from The Wiz titled Home, but I never paid attention to the lyrics or context of the song; I didn't know it was from The Wiz. My heart was touched magically as I heard Dorothy (Diana Ross) sing Home as she desired desperately to be with her loved ones and most importantly with herself; once she came into her own, knowing and loving herself.

Here are the lyrics:

HOME
by Charlie Smalls, from The Wiz

Think of home
Home

When I think of home
I think of a place where there's love overflowing
I wish I was home
I wish I was back there with the things I been knowing

Wind that makes the tall trees bend into leaning
Suddenly the snowflakes that fall have a meaning
Sprinklin' the scene, makes it all clean

Maybe there's a chance for me to go back there
Now that I have some direction
It would sure be nice to be back home
Where there's love and affection
And just maybe I can convince time to slow up
Giving me enough time in my life to grow up
Time be my friend, let me start again

Suddenly my world has changed it's face
But I still know where I'm going
I have had my mind spun around in space
And yet I've watched it growing

If you're list'ning God
Please don't make it hard to know
If we should believe in the things that we see
Tell us, should we run away
Should we try and stay
Or would it be better just to let things be?

Living here, in this brand new world
Might be a fantasy
But it taught me to love
So it's real, real to me

And I've learned
That we must look inside our hearts
To find a world full of love
Like yours
Like me

Like home...

I have come to know that home truly lies within my heart and I must allow pieces of my heart to stay with those I love. Then, home will be where my heart is.

“Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.” Teilhard de Chardin

You have been caught Jey Walking!

Here's Kristin Chenoweth's GLEE version of Home:

wishing you were somehow queer again

2010-08-09T11:36:00.003-04:00

the pageant, the philosopher, the dream and the cat

2010-08-03T13:44:00.007-04:00

July started with a bang and ended on a great note - what a wonderful thing. Aside from my birthday and my awesome spiritual experience, the month was filled with some interesting events.

July 16-18, I went up with a friend to Rochester, NY to go to Palmyra, the Joseph Smith Home/Farm, the Sacred Grove and the Hill Cumorah Pageant. I have never done any of these things before. We got into Rochester late Friday night and within a few minutes realized that something was going on in town because it was packed...turns out by sheer coincidence that it was Rochester Gay Pride Weekend. What an odd contrast to my weekend's focus and plan. Inevitably, I decided to enjoy the local festivities and support my gays in Rochester. It was fun, but somewhat worthless.

I felt weird going to Palmyra afterward, but we did anyway. I remember spotting the first protester's sign when we arrived to the Book of Mormon printing press. I had never really seen any in person protest of the Church. Unfortunately, it seems being anti-Mormon defines some people and it's all they do with their time and energy. However; as we moved on to the Smith home/farm where there were no protesters I began to feel a bit better, though the vans and busloads of tourists didn't help my anxiety - that's what happens during pageant time. Frankly, I couldn't feel the spirit until I entered the Sacred Grove - everything else was just not that touching to me in person.

I can remember vividly my journey into the Sacred Grove; each step into the forest dimmed the noise of passing cars, crying babies and conversations. I enjoyed what seemed like a few hours in this very special and sacred place. I can't imagine anyone coming here and not feeling something beautiful or magical. There is a presence there that is warm, loving, gentle and soothing to the heart and soul. I know that Joseph Smith entered this place and prayed for an answer and he did indeed see God, Our Heavenly Father and our Savior and Brother Jesus Christ. Joseph Smith received an answer that led to the Restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and His Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, wherein the real authority to act in Christ's name upon the Earth lies in His chosen servants and ordained prophets. I could not and will not deny the testimony I have of that truth. It was very difficult to leave that place, but hopefully what I felt there will remain carried in my heart.

Afterward, we headed to the Hill Cumorah and again we were met with the hissing sounds of anti-Mormon sentiments. I have never heard some the things people were saying and neither did I choose to ponder questions they were posing; their ideologies and message are founded in hate, fear and lies and one can feel the darkness they are trying spread. However; as you walk towards the hill, beautiful music pours out of the speakers and within seconds you no longer hear the vipers hissing from afar. Instead, you are met with genuine smiles, a feeling of love and a true sense of arriving home; what a stark and beautiful contrast. The cast members were so lovely and welcoming - the people in attendance were so polite and kind. It almost felt like what I imagine gathering together for the Second Coming of Christ would be like. I stared into a sea of strange, but familiar faces; I saw people embracing - long lost friends, family members, missionary companions - it was just a wonderful feeling and a sight to behold. The show was awesome and I am so glad I experienced it. It re-lit my fire and passion for The Book of Mormon and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know the Atonement is real because of my previous scripture study and prayers. The voices I hear when I read the scriptures cry to me that it's true; it's real - the spirit testifies that I am not imagining it or that it is all a made-up concoction or dream of a man, but that it is the voice of God and Jesus Christ through their chosen prophets. It turned out to be one amazing weekend, even if I did, at first, veer off the path.

It's hard to top that, but on July 25th, I got to play a piano medley - pioneer tribute for sacrament meeting. The arrangement is named, "Leaving Nauvoo" and includes hymns/songs, Praise To The Man, Come, Come Ye Saints, Consider The Lilies and Come, Thou Fount of Ev'ry Blessing. It went very well and I felt it was a proper tribute to our pioneer heritage. The story unfolds right after the Prophet Joseph Smith is murdered and the Saints must leave Nauvoo. The beginning starts off as a funeral procession or requiem type mood. It moves on to a dramatic and somber march. As the Saints travel, experience hardships and are tested on every level they remember to, "consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they toil not." (D&C 84:82-84) Knowing that God is with them and that His angels shall buoy them up through the storms, they press on. As they arrive to the Utah Valley they feel justified and seek to have their God forever engraved upon their hearts, thus, Come, Thou Fount of Ev'ry Blessing. Sorry to those who weren't there to experience this in person, but maybe the back-story alone helps.

Later in the week I came across an old Jewish businessman who was quite the self-proclaimed philosopher of sorts. I was there to pick up envelopes from his store, but instead received quite an earful of his ideas and philosophies. I don't think these things happen just because; in fact I think the message he gave to me is pretty powerful and intentional. He asked me if I had woken up yet. Obviously, he did not mean it in a physical sense, but rather in a spiritual/metaphysical/philosophical sense. I told him I wasn't sure to which he replied, "Then you haven't woken up." He went on and on and on about my lazy generation and the conspiracy regarding America's knowledge of the Holocaust and how the President knew everything but did nothing. I was like a deer in headlights, but this interactions left me thinking, have I woken up? I think this was a message or a hint from God and I appreciate it. I think it's time to, "Awake, my [son]; put on the armor of righteousness. Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust." (2 Nephi 1:23)

So, it's funny that after this encounter I went later that week to go see Inception, a movie about dreams, waking up and reality. I absolutely love this movie because it makes me think and dig deep into my thoughts and dreams. I went to see it for the second time last night with my friends...or was it just a dream? Afterward, my friend said to me that there is a Buddhist belief that says this life is meant for us to master our dreams because our dreams are connected to our souls. When we die and lose our current bodies, we must be able to control our soul through our dreams. If we are lost in our dreams, our soul will be lost, but if we are focused in our dreams and have complete control, we can control our soul and will not be lost. This struck me as being quite profound. Is this not truth? We are told in the scriptures to be careful with our thoughts and to master our minds and bodies. "But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not." (Mosiah 4:30)"...let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God." (D&C 121:45) Anyway, I love thinking upon such matters of the soul.

And now for the mane event...kidding. After church last week I visited PetCo because they have their pet adoptions there on Sundays and I like to look at the animals and pet them; this is actually quite dangerous because it's hard to walk away without wanting to take some of them with you. Well, this proved to be the case as now I have adopted a three year old gray and white tuxedo cat who I named Porter after Cole Porter the American composer and musician. Porter is so sweet and really is a blessing to my life. He loves to lay on my piano which is so fitting for his name. He is a real chill cat that just loves to be pet, massaged, brushed, held and fed. I haven't had a cat since 1999 or a pet since 2008, so this is real exciting for me.

Ok, well that's the update. Hope you enjoyed the stories. See you next time.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

medical update...been awhile

2010-07-12T12:39:00.002-04:00

After one year of being undetectable, I am no longer undetectable. I am at 78 viral load which is still pretty good but my T-cells have dropped down to 500. I am also having a thyroid problem which is not helping. At any rate, I feel great and my doctor says this is probably a normal fluctuation, so please no worries...prayers yes, worries no. Love ya all! Jey

let freedom ring!

2010-07-05T17:06:00.011-04:00

This has maybe been the craziest birthday ever in my life; I just turned 31! As always I looked for a way to make it a blast for me and a few friends. This year I decided to debut my alter ego, Savannah Gorgeous. I thought by doing something outrageously crazy, I would have an awesome birthday. I did have a blast, as did my friends in attendance, but it wasn't everything I was looking for; there was something missing.

The next night on my actual birthday, a friend and I had an delicious dinner at Emporium Brazil and then went to see "La Cage Aux Folles" on Broadway. If you don't know, this play/musical was what the American movie, The Birdcage, was based on. The show was extremely awesome. I was in tears when I heard, "I Am What I Am" and "The Best of Times is Now" live for the first time. I got to meet the cast afterward and get autographs, including an autograph and photograph with the infamous Kelsey Grammar. I thought that this would be the best part of my birthday; it was exciting but there was still something missing.

We went to down to Billy's Bakery in Chelsea for dessert after the show and to my surprise was given a huge chocolate cake with vanilla buttercream frosting for free. I still have some left, so if you want some, let me know. I took the cake to a bar and shared it with some new friends over some drinks. Later, we went dancing until nearly 5am. I had an amazing time, but there was something missing and I couldn't quite tell what it was.

The next day was a lazy Saturday of sleeping in and some light cleaning. It wasn't until later that night when I went to my room to relax and sat by my piano and played a few hymns. A feeling of 'ahhhhhh' came over me; it was so nice to play the piano and hear the beautiful hymns being played. The last hymn I played before retiring to bed was, "Rise Up, O Men of God." Something touched my heart when I read the words and sang them to myself, along with my piano.

"Rise up, O men of God!
Have done with lesser things.
Give heart and soul and mind and strength
To serve the King of Kings.

Rise up, O men of God,
In one united throng.
Bring in the day of brotherhood
And end the night of wrong.

Rise up, O men of God!
Tread where his feet have trod.
As brothers of the Son of Man,
Rise up, O men of God!"

Hymn #324

I slept that night with a feeling a peace that had come over me. When I awoke on the beautiful Fourth of July sabbath morning, I was excited to put on my red, white and blue outfit and sing patriotic hymns as loudly as I could at church. I was even on time to our nine o'clock meeting time. I was giddy when I walked in and heard "The Star-Spangled Banner" being played as prelude. I picked up the program and to my dismay we were not planning to sing any patriotic hymns. I was shocked, but I stayed calm; most likely the person in charge forgot it was the Fourth of July and the Bishopric would make the changes needed. Nope.

We started our meeting singing "I Believe in Christ;" I have to admit that the hymn always gets to me and touches me spiritually. We went right into the sacrament by singing, "While of These Emblems We Partake." By this point in the meeting I could barely sing the words, especially the fourth verse.

"But rise triumphant from the tomb,
And in eternal splendor bloom,
Freed from the pow'r of death and pain,
With Christ, the Lord, to rule and reign."

Hymn #174

As always, I just looked on as others take the sacrament and for some reason I took a huge gulp as it passed by. I had this feeling like I was thirsty and hungry and it wasn't because I was fasting; it was a spiritual feeling that came over me. I tried to ignore it and let it go but it remained.

The bishop's counselor (who was incidentally alone on the stand) began the testimony meeting. His 15 month old son had been recently diagnosed with diabetes and it has troubled their family. It was heartbreaking to see a father break down in tears talking about the love he has for his son. He testified of this life only being temporary and that we will rise again without diseases or ailments because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Though there was only a few in attendance, many others went up and testified; not of our country or anything patriotic, which I assumed would be the case, but of something more grand and glorious; the Atonement and the love of God.

What happened at the end of the meeting is what has left me in quite a state of shock. After five long years of excommunication that has been devoid of bearing testimonies over the pulpit, the spirit told me to stand up and testify and I did.

It was one of those moments where I can't remember quite what I said. I admitted that I had been excommunicated and was living with HIV. I talked about how I felt like a castaway on 'LOST' that was wondering around, unaware of my true state of being. I talked about the thing which was missing in my life: FREEDOM. It was my perfect spiritual independence day, to which I exclaimed, let freedom ring!

The moment that overcame me the most is when I said that I could either live life like I was dying or live life like I was living. I could see myself as dead in the grave or I can see myself resurrected with my Father in Heaven. I have to say after a lot of searching, I believe I found what I am looking for; it lies within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The gospel of Jesus Christ saves people like me and everyone everywhere from spiritual prison and death. It gives me freedom and that's what I am looking for. My hope now is that I will have the courage to follow Him into the waters of re-baptism, keep His commandments and do His will; serving Him and not my selfish desires.

The meeting ended in a somber way as we sang "I Know My Father Lives." The spirit of the hymn and the quiet expression of faith and devotion could be felt all around the chapel. It was one of those times I am glad to say I was there. It wasn't a wild drag show, a lovely dinner, a riotous Broadway production, free cakes, drinking and dancing all night long. It wasn't a meeting filled with patriotic pomp and circumstance, it was an hour or so of meditation, peace, faith and the pure love of Christ; a moment of spiritual freedom I desperately needed.

I want to express my gratitude for my friends and family who have always treated me with respect and love. Those who have never stopped thinking of me and praying for me. I am so grateful for the plan of peace and happiness that allows me to be free and to feel the love of God in my life continually.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose...Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:28, 35-39

I love you my friends!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9xBV1_iTcg

THIS IS HOW IT FEELS TO BE FREE
Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir

There is a wall that has been standing since the day that Adam fell
Sin is where it started and sin is why it held
Speakin’ as a prisoner who was there and lived to tell
I remember how it fell

I can hear the sound of freedom like a distant voice who called
And beckon me to follow where I had never gone
And though my heart is willin’, I just stood there at the wall
Prayin’ somehow it would fall

But in a cross I found a doorway and a hand that held a key
And when the chains fell at my feet, for the first time I could see

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free
This is how it feels to be free, yeah

There are days when I’m reminded of the prison I was in
Like a livin’ nightmare burning deep within
I can feel the voice of evil, I can hear the call of sin
But I won’t go back again

See, once I’ve tasted freedom then the chains could bind no more
Since mercy gave me wings to fly like an eagle I can soar

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free
This is how it feels to be free, yeah

Somewhere there’s a prison where the chains still burn
If not for the grace of God those walls could still be mine
So far all the captives are saved

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free
This is how it feels to be free, yeah
This is how it feels to be free

jey walking

2010-06-04T14:37:00.003-04:00

So many random thoughts converge at once in my mind and somehow I have to separate them and interpret their meaning.

I was looking at a few take-out menus for lunch ideas which led me to playing with the magnet that holds them up on my board. After awhile I put the magnet back up and my eye caught the attention of a quote I placed on my board back in January.

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."
~Martin Luther King Jr.

I started writing a post this morning about the topic of underpromising and overdelivering, but deleted it. After seeing this quote hours later, I realize what my topic for today really is...where is Jey walking to?

This blog is supposed to be about my life, adventures, enlightenment, inspiration, memories and most of all, my path or journey though this life. That's why I chose the name Jey Walking. Jaywalking (Jeywalking) is first, an offense in which a person illegally (or legally) crosses the road. And secondly, it represents me; Jey, walking or traveling through life, learning lessons and sharing them with you. It may be true that, in this life, I have illegally crossed the road while on this journey.

I've reached a point in my life where I no longer no where I am going. I thought I always knew. From an early age, I could tell you my plans for the future, whether it was to be the President of the United States, a judge, an artist/designer, a veterinarian or Broadway headliner/superstar. I went to school to study Advertising and thought that would be what I would do with my life. Then I graduated and went straight into graduate school for a degree almost unrelated to the first, Nonprofit Management. Now I am approaching graduation next May and I am wondering where I will go next.

I can admit freely that I am lost. I don't know whether to retrace my steps, hug a tree or start a fire that spells HELP or SOS.

Everyday I wake up and wonder what I will not accomplish, even though I have good intentions to complete necessary tasks and assignments. This is also indicated by my bedroom that never ceases to be messy, even after I clean it. I've always felt that the cleanliness or organization of one's living situation reflects the cleanliness or organization of one's mind. If my room is a mess, maybe I am, too.

So the whole point of this ramble is that I don't want to be like this anymore, but everytime I try to get out the mess, it seems to creep back in. How can I trust that it won't occur everytime I try to make my life work?

The answer is the quote above.

Recently, a friend of mine told me that I am a very determined person who gets caught up or distracted by other things I become determined about. She told me that I am so powerful and determined that if I were to just focus on the one thing it would happen because that's how determined a person I am.

I thought about what she had said and pondered about my life and the choices I make. The mess in my life comes from not staying focused on one singular goal or idea or task, but several at the same time. That causes more mess.

I think, I will need to make a list of all my interests, goals, dreams or ideas and prioritize them. For instance, getting my degree is more important right now than thinking about where I am going to live after I graduate. There are plenty of other examples that are a little more private to me. I laugh to myself when I say that because what is private anymore these days? See, I was just about to go off topic, but I stopped myself.

I want Jey to know where he is walking towards. Right now it's like I am walking backwards because I worry so much about what will or might happen next or down the road, rather than what is happening now, in the present.

Faith is taking a step into the unknown, but it doesn't mean one can't have a plan. The problem is people like me think we can control the way things work and happen and our plans are based on that presumed fact. Plans should be based on our needs and good desires and include what God would have us do. After all, who is the Master that knows all, oversees everything and does so with order and wisdom? Yes, He is.

I know that for my life to truly become less messy and more clean I must seek guidance from God and become more like Him, the god of order, truth and light. It will require faith in every foot step along the remainder of this journey here and beyond.

My hope is that Jey will be Walking in the right direction soon. Your prayers are welcomed here.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

jesus, savior

2010-05-13T13:14:00.004-04:00

I decided after watching Greyson Michael Chance show his skills on YouTube that I should start sharing mine as well.

Here is my first home video performance. It's not my best, but it's a start. The medley is titled Jesus, Savior and includes four hymns:

Jesus, Once of Humble Birth
In Humility Our Savior
There is a Green Hill Far Away
O Savior Thou Who Wearest a Crown

I hope you like it - there's hopefully more to come.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyM908DbxPs

You have been caught Jey Walking!

my soul's sincere desire

2010-05-03T17:18:00.005-04:00

Let me begin by saying I have been avoiding this post; it will be difficult to write this without expressing a few tears; both of sadness and joy.

About three months ago I asked my roommate what his favorite hymn was. I like to arrange medleys for the piano and I needed a fresh idea; after all there are only so many hymns. After a long moment of thought, he told me his favorite hymn was Secret Prayer; it's on my top 100. Quickly I ran through the hymnbook and thought of songs that would capture the essence of the power of prayer and communal with God, our Father. I had know idea what I was about to get myself into.

I am a storyteller; so I like to study lyrics and really feel the power of the melody of the song I am playing. Then I rip it apart and try to make it more emotional and dramatic to remove the "hymn" sound and add what I call the movie soundtrack moment. When I play the piano, no one sings, so I need to pull in the emotion of the words into the music itself. The process that I use is a gift from God because I don't read music, I just hear emotions and melody combined and play it on the piano. It's hardy ever perfect; but then it can't be, that's not the purpose, it's supposed to be raw and unrefined.

Anyway, so the story with Secret Prayer is about someone who may not be the most faithful person, but is struggling constantly to keep God on his/her mind. Each day this person finds a moment to ponder life and his/her relationships to God, family, friends and neighbors. Even though the song says that this person kneels in secret prayer, the truth is that the person rarely finds or takes a moment to do so, but takes the time to reflect, ponder and prayer in his/her mind, heart and soul; little prayers of hope, encouragement, safety, comfort, joy and peace.

I found a way to play Secret Prayer with a little bit more intensity that would draw out the moments that this person is reflecting or pondering and how powerful that is for them in that moment. After I found a suitable version, I added the hymn O My Father to symbolize the actual words the person is thinking or praying to themselves. I have always loved the last verse I suppose because I often utter them in my prayers.

"When I leave this frail existence, when I lay this mortal by,
Father, Mother, may I meet you, in your royal courts on high?
Then, at length, when I've completed all you sent me forth to do,
With your mutual approbation, let me come and dwell with you."

When they are finished with their thoughts, they still feel fear and doubt about any possible resolution to their pain and grief or troubles and so next, I added Where Can I Turn For Peace. The entire hymn really captures both the pain the person is feeling with the fear and doubt on their shoulders and the realization that God will see them through.

"Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately.
Reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.
Gentle, the peace He finds
For my beseeching.
Constant He is, and kind.
Love without end."

At the end of this hymn the person realize that they are in God's hand and He will guide and comfort then through this journey of life. They don't want the spirit to leave and certainly the feeling of grace and peace, so I added a medley of Abide with Me and Abide with Me 'Tis Eventide as the end of the entire medley. My favorite verse of Abide With Me really illustrates the pleading with the spirit and the Lord to stay nearby.

"I need thy presence ev'ry passing hour.
What but thy grace can foil the tempter's pow'r?
Who, like thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Thru cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me!"

I practiced and practiced to make it all sound sincere, dramatic, thought-provoking and raw. I found myself playing the medley whenever I came home from school or work. Everytime I played the medley I would break down and cry. Sometimes it was from an overwhelming feeling of comfort and peace from the spirit and other times it was from deep sorrow and sadness. This medley has become my personal song.

One Sunday afternoon I came home after church and started playing this medley, suddenly my eyes glanced at the other page of the simplified accompaniments hymnbook and saw a verse of another hymn that struck me deep within my heart. I was caught up with emotion and cried my eyes out.

"Prayer is the contrite sinner's voice, returning from his ways,
While angels in their songs rejoice, and cry, "Behold he prays!"

I looked at other verses:

"Prayer is the soul's sincere desire, uttered or unexpressed,
The motion of hidden fire, that trembles in the breast."

"Prayer is the burden of a sigh, the falling of a tear,
The upward glancing of an eye, when none but God is near."

These verses encapsulate the story I was trying to tell with my medley of hymns. Prayer isn't always about getting on one's knees and bowing our heads. Some of my longest prayers on my knees have been selfish and unnecessary; however, some of my most powerful prayers have been simple thoughts, a verse of a hymn, a scripture, a moment of pondering, among others. We are judged more by what is in our hearts, than by what is uttered from our lips.

Today I sat down to play some music while a storm outside raged on. I started to play part of my medley and it struck me again. This time it was a reminder to write this experience down.

There is a power in music, lyrics, feelings, reflections and ponderings. Never underestimate the power of an unuttered prayer; let your heart pray more than your lips. My soul's sincere desire is to love God and express that love through music and to others around me through service, love and friendship.

"When sailing on life's stormy sea, 'mid billows of despair,
'Tis solace to my soul to know God hears my secret prayer.

When thorns are strewn along my path, and foes my feet ensnare,
My Savior to my aid will come, if sought in secret prayer.

May my heart be turned to pray, pray in secret day by day,
That this boon to mortals giv'n, may unite my soul to heav'n."

You have been caught Jey Walking!

dying to live

2010-04-30T18:17:00.003-04:00

These days I find it difficult to unwind, un-do and unplug, but today's ride home I received a gift.

I love music and Jonny Lang. Jonny Lang was introduced to me by my friend Jennifer who has a similar love for music and Jonny Lang.

Today I was listening to my collection of music and out of nowhere I came to this song that, within a few lyrics captured my attention. It may be one of the best sounding songs I've read and listened to in a long time.

Take a looksie:

Dying to Live
written by Edgar Winter, 1971

You know I've heard it said there's beauty in distortion
By some people who withdraw to find their head
And they say there is humor in misfortune
No, I wonder if they'll laugh when I am dead

[Chorus]
Why am I fighting to live
If I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see
When there ain't nothing in sight
Why am I trying to give
When no one gives me a try
Why am I dying to live
If I'm just living to die

You know some people say that values are subjective
But they're just speaking words
That someone else has said
And so they live and fight and kill with no objective
Sometimes its hard to tell the living from the dead

[Chorus]

You know I used to weave
My words into confusion
And so I hope you'll understand me
When I'm through
You know I used to live my life as an illusion
But reality will make my dream come true

So I'll keep fighting to live
Till there's no reason to fight
And I'll keep trying to see
Until the end is in sight
You know I'm trying to give
So come on
Give me a try
You know I'm dying to live
Until I'm ready to die

I don't know how that song hits you, but I know for me, it's priceless. Another magical moment in musical history.

You've been caught Jey Walking!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o5LWcNg9LI

wishing you were somehow here again

2010-03-03T14:26:00.007-05:00

From a very early age, I fell in love with musical theater. I, among many others, dreamed of a day I would headline a Broadway show. My grandmother who raised me never really seem to believe I had what it took to be a star; so neither did I. I am not blaming her for any of my failed dreams; but rather wishing I could have proved her wrong. She never said I couldn't do it; she rather pointed out my flaws and told me I would have to work harder to be a professional. I took that as a lack of confidence. She loved to hear me sing, most of the time. Her favorite song that I would sing to her was Music of the Night. When I taught myself how to play a medley of Phantom of the Opera songs, she loved that as well. My dream was to be the Phantom and have my grandmother sit in the best seat of the house and watch me sing before a sold out crowd on Broadway. I wanted her to see the applause I would get and the standing ovation. I wanted to be able to hand a bouquet of red roses to her while on stage so everyone could see my mother; the mother of a star. Obviously this dream never really took off.

My grandmother and I were an odd couple; we were more like best friends than relatives. I think that's why it was so hard for her to discipline me into the person she wanted me to be. We had our disputes, we went everywhere together and we even shared secrets amidst laughter and tears. We loved each other. She means everything to me.

When The Phantom of the Opera came out in the movie theater, I had a chance to come home to San Diego and watch it with my grandmother. We were in absolute awe. I had never seen a production of Phantom in my life; I had only listened to Michael Crawford and Sarah Brightman sing it on the original soundtrack, over and over again. It was a magical moment for the both of us.

Two years later after seeing the movie together, my best friend passed away and I can only hope see has continued to watch over me. She took me aside before her death and asked me to sing for her funeral and I agreed. I didn't dare sing Music of the Night at her funeral, but my sister sang an altered version of Think of Me that was another favorite of hers that my sister sang beautifully. I sang a song titled Mama from Il Divo, which was a request of my aunts on behalf of the family. I got a chance to do a show for my grandmother before she died in which I sang Music of the Night and played my piano medley of Phantom music. She was in tears as was I. Thinking back on that day, I realized she was giving me the chance to show her I was a star; I didn't need to be on Broadway to prove it to her.

Now I have been to New York a few times and, of course, now I live here. So anyone would assume that a fanatic like me would have seen Phantom a million times over. It actually wasn't until last Friday that I finally went to see it. Yikes! I think, subconsciously, it felt wrong without my grandmother with me. However, it wasn't long after the music started that I felt her sitting beside me and enjoying the show. Another magical moment my best friend and I got to share.

Since then I have been like Christine, wishing her dead father and best friend were somehow alive again and able to see her grow up and rise to become a star. She begs for him to come back and guide her and to let her hear his voice again. In the end she realizes she has to move on otherwise the pain of not having him there will engulf her.

I miss my dear friend and mother and wish I could just call her like I used to. She would always bear her testimony to me of the gospel and of Jesus Christ. She would always tell me she was praying for me, to which I would always respond, "Well, someone has to." I know I am not the only one who has lost someone near and dear to their soul, but I can't help to express my loneliness and grief that I feel without her tangibly here in my life.

She always told me when I was being a brat that I should be grateful for her because she was my best friend; the only one who knew the real me and still loved me anyway, besides God. She was right and I miss her, but somehow I have to find a way to move on and know that the picture of us together on my piano and the many memories I have of us is sufficient, for now. The frame in which the picture resides reads: Through Thick and Thin.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

"You were once my one companion
you were all that mattered
You were once a friend and [mother]
then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed,
somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
all that you dreamed I could

Passing bells and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you,the wrong companions
you were warm and gentle
Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?

Wishing you were somehow here again
knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive
teach me to live
give me the strength
to try

No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say
goodbye."

"Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again"
from Andrew Lloyd Webber's
The Phantom of the Opera

please stand by

2010-02-25T17:16:00.002-05:00

I noticed today that my blog viewership is down six percent. I know I don't write that much anymore; there's a reason.

Things are finally sort of normal in my life; go figure. I mean I am still crazy, that hasn't changed. My life is sort of good and I am settling into somewhat of a routine.

Now I am also feeling like I might be in a rut and that's why life feels somewhat stagnant; however, I haven't really pinpointed any one thing I need to change or do to change that. I wonder if sometimes we're supposed to be in a rut so we can figure our own way out of it as a part of one of our many life lessons.

At any rate, I am here. I am alive and doing well. Yes, I continue to face challenges and obstacles, but I guess I am just trying to deal with them as gracefully as possible.

Stay with me my friends. Please stand by...me.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

i'll stand by you

2010-01-28T16:37:00.007-05:00

My recent obsession with "Glee" has brought me to this classic song. When I hear it, I imagine my Savior saying these words to me. I feel comforted by these words and the way they make me feel when I hear them. I truly believe my Savior stands by and really understands what I have gone through, as well as what I am going through. It's safe to say, He most likely knows what I will go through before this life is over. And for that I am grateful. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ebB690D9Mc

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry,
let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you,
you don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess
could make me love you less
I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.

So, if you're mad get mad,
don't hold it all inside,
Come on and talk to me now.
And hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
But I'm a lot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads,
don't know which path to choose,
Let me come along,
cause even if your wrong

I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.

Take me into your darkest hour,
and I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.

And when, when the night falls on you [my child],
you're feeling all alone,
You won't be on your own,
I'll stand by you. I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you,
won't let nobody hurt you.
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
and I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you.

this is where i am

2010-01-15T13:50:00.005-05:00

I have kept silent for the last month to allow my mind to rest in hopes of gathering more thoughts on which to expound upon.

One thing I did as I came closer to the end of 2009 was to just let it happen. I usually send out a year end post or email that talks about, basically, all of which I have already posted before. It just seemed so redundant of me. So, I ended the year with little or no words at all because it proved to me that the end of the year would occur with or without my traditional post.

One of my thoughts that I gathered in was about who I am. I imagine that if my life is like any character from the great classic, Saturday's Warrior, then I can easily assume that before this life, a long time ago, I stood around waiting for my turn to come to this earthly existence. I may have even plead with my older brother Jimmy to, remember to keep his promise. In fact, I may have even met my one true, eternal companion, despite the fact that I am gay; I can assume any one of the male characters in that movie are too. To be honest I sometimes wish it were all that simple, but it is not.

Here's how life really is, for me. I am attracted to men. I sort of have a fairytale dream that I will get married and have children. I used to believe that I could make a marriage between me and a woman work, but it won't, for me. Some people have told me not to worry because I will have a chance to be married in the next life when I am no longer gay. I question those who believe that when this life is over all gay people will magically no longer be gay. Who am I to question the power of God, but how and why would He change me to become heterosexual? I'm just saying, I am almost stereotypically gay, how is my whole life as a gay person going to change after this life? I am not looking for "answers", I am just asking.

I have also considered the subject of being re-baptized. I have wanted this so badly since I was excommunicated. I no longer understand how being re-baptized will help me if I don't plan of living a celibate life. I would love to have the full blessings of membership, but I am being realistic about my lifestyle. I have struggled the last few years to become a person who is not promiscuous and who values deep and meaningful relationships that are both emotional and physical. I have been open with my Bishop letting him know that if I find a partner to settle down with, there would be no reason for me to attempt re-baptism. I know that even kissing and cuddling with my male partner would be considered grounds for disciplinary actions, contrary to heterosexual relationship standards. My Bishop, however, surprisingly applauds my efforts to find one partner for myself to whom I can devote my emotional and physical love. Now I join the ultimate struggle which is finding Mr. Right.

Aside from these thoughts I have considered other parts of my future. Right now I am in graduate school for a management degree, but am not sure I want to manage anything, but my life. I want to finish the program because I think it's important to finish what you start and to get a degree that shows you can learn new things. Having a master's degree can be a foot into several doors. I have been asked several times what my plans are, but candidly, I am uncertain. I have plenty of ideas and dreams, so I don't think I am afraid of the future per se, but rather worried about whether the choices I make now will lead me in the right direction. I am not alone in this, many people have these same worries or concerns.

As far as the rest of my life goes, I left the frozen tundra of New York City on December 17th to enjoy a wonderful month long visit to San Diego. I was able to see most of my friends and family there. I had a relaxing Christmas Day filled with endless gourmet cuisine fixed by my step-mother and delightful gift giving. My warm New Year's celebration was exciting and lasted the entire weekend, as it should. I did some bargain shopping, ate delicious food, went to the beach several times, got a tan and needless to say, relaxed my tired 30 year old ass!

With 2010 now underway I am facing new challenges, overcoming old ones and gearing up for what I expect to be a fruitful and adventurous year. I may not know what I am supposed to be when I grow up, but I am here and giving nearly my best shot with what I got. I am thankful for my life, my friends, loving family members and always, the good times. Let the good times roll!

You have been caught Jey Walking! (Have a happy and industrious new year!)

in a nutshell

2009-12-10T15:56:00.003-05:00

In a nutshell: I am a nut in a shell.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

World AIDS Day 2009

2009-12-01T13:13:00.004-05:00

Today is December 1st and marks yet another World AIDS Day and I have to ask myself, what have I or anyone else accomplished?

Since December 1st 2005, which marked my first World AIDS Day being diagnosed positive, I have spent the day pondering the future of the fight against HIV/AIDS for myself and the world around me. Speaking from my own experience, the true cure for this disease, that has unfortunately taken record number of lives every day and is still the leading cause of death in most parts of Africa, is outreach, prevention and education. I am hopeful as I continually read more and more articles regarding the advances in medicine and science that both preserve people's lives and looks for a permanent cure.

This year I have gone through so many changes due to my HIV-positive status. What used to be three pills a day is now five pills a day and recently evidence shows that there's a slight possibility of lymphoma. I have also recently found out that a friend has been diagnosed HIV positive. So, today I sit here pondering the reality of the future of people living with HIV/AIDS; is it going to get better; is it ever going to stop?

Men who have sex with men still make up almost half of all those infected every year. This seems outrageous; what has all the fundraising, outreach, prevention and education helped if men who have sex with men are not protecting themselves? As I often say, something's gotta give, but now I will say something's gotta change!

I know I have no right to preach about protecting oneself; after all I knew about the dangers of HIV/AIDS and about protection but didn't do enough about it to remain negative. However; this doesn't mean what I am saying isn't valid. If you are man who is at all sexually active with other men, even with protection, you should be getting tested regularly. Other diseases can be transmitted even without sexual activity that getting tested can detect. Being afraid or in denial can no longer be the answer to the problem, especially if you are a man who has sex with men and women.

I think my message is clear this World AIDS Day. Yes, it's a great day to wear a red ribbon and attend a candlelight vigil or whatever else, but more needs to be done within each person's community and, of course, with each person individually. If you have not been tested; get tested, do it today or make it a goal to do before the year is through.

I swear I wish I would have made better choices in my life and kept myself from having to go through this disease, but I thank God for what I have gone through and the ability to speak up about this issue that concerns us all. You can spend your time telling yourself it will never happen to you, but you should only say that if you are 100% sure it won't. That surety only comes with protection and testing.

I continue to hope and pray for a world without such preventable diseases as HIV/AIDS. Please join me in my prayers that outreach, education, prevention and a cure will be available to all and that more will do what they can to stop the spread of HIV and fight AIDS.

For those interested in more information about HIV/AIDS, World AIDS Day events and HIV testing sites, please follow the links below. Also below are related links and articles about HIV/AIDS.

HIV/AIDS Basics
http://jeywalking.blogspot.com/2009/08/just-so-you-know.html
My Story
http://jeywalking.blogspot.com/2008/11/not-so-lonely-road_29.html
North Star HIV/AIDS Page
http://northstarlds.org/hivaids.php
World AIDS Day
http://www.worldaidsday.org/
National HIV Testing
http://www.hivtest.org/

Your friend,
Jey

Undetectable not Invincible

2009-11-20T14:37:00.005-05:00

Maybe scheduling doctor appointments, in which one's blood is drawn for tests, should not occur on Friday the 13th, if you're superstitious. Just a thought.

I saw my doctor today for a follow-up to my labs I did last week and the results are not what I was expecting, but then again, I am not surprised.

Everything that should be normal has dropped lower or climbed higher; the only good thing that remains is that I am undetectable. I suppose a part of me began to believe that I was almost invincible, but clearly I am not.

Since May I have been dealing with more stress than I know what to do with. Starting a new job and going back to school certainly have not eased my troubles substantially. In fact, it could be the cause of my increased fatigue, loss of energy, loss of short-term memory and loss of appetite.

Often I have reflected or discussed with my roommate that I feel like I have gotten worse since May; there are some nights that I felt like I was falling apart and dying a slow death. Everyday hasn't been like this, but there are some days I just don't know what to do, so I just sit and endure the physical and emotional pain of what's coming at me because it's my only option I know of.

After some discussion with my doctor, she suggests that an MRI may be needed in the future and that there is a possibility of having a type of lymphoma; not uncommon to those living with HIV/AIDS. Lymphoma is a cancer that starts out in the immune system and spreads. Those with immuno-deficiencies of any kind are often subject to such a disease.

Almost everyone I know in my family that has passed away has had some type of cancer, even my "twin" cousin (born on the same date) died at 22 of an inoperable brain stem tumor. As cancer runs in my family, I am not surprised to hear such news, nevertheless, it is rather scary. I really thought that being HIV positive was enough for me. The tests haven't been done yet, so there's no real immediate need to worry, but I will anyway.

I know I have done this the last couple years, but I am asking again for my family and friends to pray and fast for me in remembrance of World AIDS Day, which is on December 1st every year. I will be holding a special fast on November 29th for myself. I ask that as many as possible people fast with me between November 29th and December 6th; whenever you can manage to do it. If nothing else, please keep me in your prayers.

I told my roommate this morning, "You be the strong one for me; if you worry, I'll worry even more."

I know Christ is the ultimate healer of all things and has the power to heal broken hearts, lost dreams, sorrow and sicknesses of all kind. I rely on the power of your thoughts, prayers, fasts and His power to overcome all I am given to endure.

I love you all.

Jey

opposites attract

2009-11-17T02:14:00.004-05:00

Null Hypothesis: Negative forces and Positive forces are independent.

(Research Hypothesis: There is statistically significant evidence showing there is a relationship between negative and positive forces; they are not independent.)

Two-tailed t-test, 95% confidence level, alpha=0.05, mean=unknown, degrees of freedom=1, t-critical=12.706 and N=2.

I am currently taking Quantitative Methods (Graduate level Statistics), so I felt I could start out my post with my null and research hypothesis, but after that nothing else really made sense. My apologies go to those to whom have by now stopped reading because of their hatred for stats...oh wait, that's me. (Thanks to my friend Adrienne for helping to form the above.)

Moving along...

Yes, even I began singing the familiar tune by Paula Abdul when I named this post, but I am not here to review her song or to critique it for that matter.

I came to some realizations about myself for the first time, again. Join me in my exploration of my reality.

I have taken a look at people I know now, as well as a look back at all the people I have become or drew close to and realized that the one quality that is the same, for the most part, is that they are or were positive, optimistic and upbeat in nature.

My realization is what few people have touched upon throughout my life and others have failed to say clear enough: I am a negative force; I am a negative person. I attract or am attracted to positive forces and my relationships with positive people help me to be positive, but it is my nature to be negative. That's my conclusion anyway, for now.

I don't mean negative necessarily in a bad, dark or pessimistic sense, though it does apply to parts of my life. I mean negative in the way that I see most things in life as the glass being half empty; which is not in and of itself negative in nature but a negative perspective or rather of the negative spectrum (-1 {0} +1).

Life is all about balance, negativity, its forces and all opposition must exist; there's such evidence in scripture and academic journals alike. For this, I don't mind being apart of God's plan and representing the negative spectrum or opposition to others' expressed opinions or my loved ones' lives. I enjoy being what most call the 'devil's advocate' though I should make it clear I try my best never to successfully advocate for such a being.

I guess my feelings or desires behind expressing all of this is to understand what my purpose is in this life. Maybe I am here to challenge positive forces. When one says the cup is half full, I feel the need to show evidence that, in fact, the glass is half empty. Now, neither of one is exactly correct or incorrect; it's really all about how convincing one's argument is to another. Is this my purpose, to be more convincing? I doubt it.

The huge reason behind this post is about relationships, especially between negative and positive forces. If I am negative; that's my nature and I tend only to be positive when around positive forces, how can I ever be positive? Or in other words, how can I ever see the glass half full if I was presumably made to see it half empty.

I am confused about this because objects like batteries use negative and positive forces to operate. Or, like gravity and jumping in the air. It's hard to dispute that batteries only work when negative and positive are both present. However, some may measure the height one is able to reach when they jump, while I will measure the lack of height one is able to reach. Simply put, some people add to and I take away. Does that me a bad person or am I simply here to provide a different approach or perspective?

My other dilemma is that I feel better when I am positive, but unless nurtured and supported by all around me, I tend to choose what seems to me to be my negative nature.

What's even weirder is that a few people in my life see me as a positive influence in their life or a positive force. I find it hard to believe because I hardly focus on any good I do, but rather all the bad I've done, or the lack of good I've performed. In fact, that's what I am doing right now with this post; focusing on the negative instead of the positive.

When discussing this with a colleague we both came to the conclusion that our society desires that which is of a positive nature in word, but not necessarily in action. Simply put, we say we want peace, but we are always at war.

What if society embraced both positive and negative people for what they bring to the table? There could be positive pride and negative pride (is that an oxymoron?) parades and days of unity where nothing is equal, but everyone works together like a battery. Maybe that is what we are all saying when we say, "I want world peace." What we're really saying is that to gain world peace, we will first need to fight for it for ages and ages, then our posterity will enjoy it later on. The truth is that we enjoy opposites in life more than we know or want to admit. We love the drama of most modern-day relationships, reality shows and movies because they always involve opposing forces. Mary J. Blige sang "No More Drama", but I don't think one can exclude such a necessity from one's life - only minimize it.

My point is, I am often criticized for being negative, when I truly feel I am just being myself and realistic. My realization is that I don't need to feel like I have to be like everyone else, when in fact, everyone else needs a person like me to keep life balanced.

So, here's the question...

If I was made to be negative and I am successful at it, is that not considered a positive?

Oh Lord!

(comments welcome here)

You have been caught Jey Walking! (in two different directions)

the perfect fit

2009-11-07T01:09:00.003-05:00

As I was about to go to sleep tonight I was reminded of events a little over a year ago when I was looking for a place to live in New York. Finding the perfect place is everything in New York City. It decides where you will shop, eat, hang out and how long your commute will be to and from work, school and friends. I wanted to find somewhere that would be everything I needed all in one place.

At the time I was looking, I was living in Prospect Park, Brooklyn and despite being mugged there I figured Brooklyn, the better part of it, would be perfect for my new start in the city. It was mostly quiet compared to Manhattan, it was more family oriented and lined with small shops, museums, library, gardens and a zoo, among other delights. There were plenty of places to go shopping, hang out and young singles to mingle with, but was it enough?

I looked high and low in different communities of Brooklyn to find the place for me. After I tried several options on Craigslist I almost gave up. Was I acting like a privileged white kid away from home for the first time or was I truly just searching for a place to call home like everyone else? Finally, as time was running out, I found this ideal situation - yes, even on Craigslist.

I found a gay couple who own a beautiful 18th or 19th century four-story row home. The house was a two minute walk from all the major subway lines and a major shopping center that included restaurants, Target, Old Navy and grocery stores. The couple had owned the home for 30 years and seem like a wonderful pair of older men with no hidden agenda. The home was refurbished to it's original style and decked out with antique furniture, decoration and my personal favorite, pianos, yes plural. It seemed too surreal - I mean come on, three tuned pianos in one home??? So what's the catch? There seemed to be none - it was perfect.

The deal was that I would get the entire fourth floor equipped with my own bathroom and large furnished bedroom with access to the entire house that included laundry facilities, free utilities, state of the art kitchen and cable TV and internet for $700/ month!!! I was waiting for something to snap and pop the dream bubble.

Well, they had a few offers, but seemed to like me, especially because I play the piano. I looked at another apartment in Manhattan since that's where I'd be going to school and I was likely to be around more YSAs than in Brooklyn. The rent at the Manhattan apartment was about $100 more with considerable less amenities, not to mention I would have three strange roommates. I didn't want to give this opportunity to live in Manhattan up though, it was one block from Central Park and in between two subway lines - it wasn't so bad.

The Bishopric of the ward for that boundary was putting together the roommates and getting a good deal for the apartment that would be fully renovated. Before I signed on to live there I had told the counselor that I was HIV positive, ex-communicated and gay because I didn't want to be set up with some crazy, ignorant roommates. This whole dramatic thing came out of me be open about my status that is neither here or there now, but for the purpose of the story it made me think - gee, Brooklyn is probably a better choice.

Then the day came when I had to make a choice. Given the drama that had risen from the Manhattan choice I really, really didn't want to move there and I was way more comfortable staying in Brooklyn. In Brooklyn, I felt like I could be myself and not have to answer to anyone. It seemed like living in the other apartment there would be some problems. As I was saying, I had to make a choice and it was so hard. I was about to tell Manhattan to forget it and a voice as clear as ever said, NO, move to Manhattan. I was so confused. I would have had everything I could dream of at a lower price, why must I go to Manhattan. The voice didn't answer.

So, with tears welling up in my eyes and my heart pounding I picked up the phone and called the Brooklyn guys and said I was no longer interested in the apartment and hung up. I fell down in my bed and cried - for some reason it really hurt me that I couldn't have this dream of mine. I raised my voice to God and said, I don't know why you've asked me to do this, but this is my small sacrifice upon your altar, please accept it. I will never forget how I felt in that moment. I felt at peace, I felt comforted, I felt extremely loved. Most of all I felt the sacrifice was accepted and knew blessings would come my way in Manhattan.

A year has passed and it has not been an easy road. We've had several problems in the apartment: neighbors, noise, graffiti, drug use, weird smells to name a few. Then there's the whole adjusting to new people I don't know and their unacceptable habits. Take all of that away and I was still left with financial, physical, spiritual and emotional problems of my own. Somehow, some way, I have been able to overcome all the obstacles mostly unscathed. I still don't like some of my roommates and where I live isn't a dream come true - but compared to what, Brooklyn? I don't think Brooklyn could have helped me overcome these things - I would have had less friends and less access to what I really need. My place is not a dream but it's just right. I've met some great people in my ward, my Bishopric is understanding and helpful, I'm closer to more things than I know and even my rent has gone down to $700.

I guess we all do the could of, would of , should of game because frankly it's fun to think about what might have been. In this case, I am certain that had I not listened to that voice; had I not placed my small sacrifice upon the Lord's altar - the protection and the blessings may not have come. I may not have made the close friends I have now that have helped push me forward in ways I could not have done alone.

The trials and tribulations never cease, but perspectives change. This last year in New York; all of the adventures I've journeyed upon and mishaps I've endured have been the greatest gift and guiding lesson for the future. I've learned a lot about myself; who I am, how I treat myself, how I treat others, how I treat God and how I view the world. Times ain't easy but I sure am glad that when I wake up tomorrow that I'm waking up overlooking Central Park in a city that's always changing just like me- seems like a perfect fit.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

disease vs. cure

2009-11-02T12:36:00.004-05:00

I met with my program advisor recently to discuss my options for the spring semester in graduate school. After talking about the future he wanted to know more about the present. I have had some issues transitioning from one way of life to another. Atlanta is not New York City by any stretch of the imagination, so adjustments over the last year have been made. One issue we spoke about was my incomplete courses; these are courses of which I have not turned in remaining required assignments. This creates a problem as both the incomplete coursework and current course work need to be completed. Otherwise it becomes costly, both monetarily and GPA-wise.

I listed all the usual excuses and jibber-jabber, but clearly the look on my advisor's face said it all: WHO CARES! The world does not stop because you had a bad day, someone died or you don't understand something. One can choose to focus on the can nots, did nots, was not able tos of life; slowly sliding backwards or one can see the cans, dos, am able tos and move forward - or as my Branch President would always say, "Onward and Upward!"

After some discussion of what needed to change and what is expected of me if I plan to move forward we got on more of a personal discussion. My advisor knows about my HIV status so he knows that when I found out I was HIV-positive I felt like I was the disease. Everything became unmanageable or undo-able because I had a potentially terminal illness; I was a disease. He expressed to me that I was still in that defeatest mode while in school. When assignments felt too large to comprehend or tasks were too technical to handle; I took the defeatest path and slid backwards, but who has that helped?

Be the cure, live the cure, you are the cure! That's essentially the message my advisor presented me. Stop deciding you're going to fail because you're "damaged" and move forward becoming better than you were before the disease. After he said this he stopped and looked at me and said, "Swallow." I was puzzled. "Swallow that pill that is so difficult for you to get down; your ego, your defeatest mode, your feelings of inadequacy; just swallow, then breathe." I realized that my face must have read, "But I don't want to, I enjoy the conflict in my life" but I knew he was right. Like I have previously written, it is time to let go; now I know what I need to let go of. This disease is not my life; not even the end of my life, merely a small part of it. In fact it takes up a minute of my life each day when I have to, wait for it, swallow my medication and a few doctor visits here and there.

It reads in 2 Nephi 2:11, "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things." In this story there is the path and life of the disease or the path and life of the cure. I think that this can apply to all areas of my life that I am, as it reads in 2 Nephi 2:27, "free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." Regardless of accident, God's will or disease, I choose how to deal what is given to me to deal with and accepted such terms before coming to this Earth and this life.

Simply put, I choose to live or die. After some discussion I think living life in all of its definition is the best choice.

You have caught me Jey Walking!

to everything there is a season

2009-08-26T13:03:00.002-04:00

Last week I decided to let go and even talked to my counselor about it at length.

For the past few days I have been quite successful at looking at my things as annoyances and space taker-uppers than fond memories and cherished belongings. This process has all been real good for me.

I also applied to be on The Amazing Race, though I am sure the odds are stacked against me and my roommate being selected to go on. So, I let go of the idea that I was going to be cast on the show and that felt good too, but I think it would be awesome if we were chosen. The idea of being in a race got me thinking...

I am facing a lot of weird feelings, emotions and thoughts that are difficult to get out of my head. I think that is the hardest thing to let go of; my feelings or thoughts. They keep me company when I am lonely, afraid, day-dreaming or sad, but I admit some of them have to go too.

It has become apparent to me that I blog to passively get support from family and friends. I thrive on feedback, comments and advice. There are certain posts that I still go back and read; those ones were for me, but I think others were more of a lure for support in the form of comments from my friends.

I realize now that I need to be more active in my friendships and relationships with others. I need to be a support to get support. I have to let go of the idea that because I need support or help that my family and friends are obligated to drop everything to serve my needs.

I am strong and intelligent person; sometimes I forget, but I do know that I am not that weak. I don't need friend or family crutches; I just need to stand up, stand tall and move forward on my own. Yes, I need my family and friends to be there for me when I fall, but I have to vocalize that injury instead of expecting others to just assume I am broken, injured and need help. Of course, I also need to vocalize such needs to my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. Many things I struggle with, my family and friends can't really do anything about other than pray on my behalf, which is great, but I need the Atonement; I need Jesus to heal me.

Part of my letting go journey has begun and it includes standing up on my own two feet and taking this journey; this long walk down a short road, on my own with the guidance of my Savior and the Holy Ghost. It doesn't mean my family and friends can't cheer for me on the sidelines, but I can't expect anyone to carry me any longer or any further. This is my life and my journey; my walk and I have to make it alone.

I can't fulfill my mission or purpose here on Earth if I can't prove I can do it all by myself or rather that I have the desire to make choices for myself that lead me in the right direction. I have to prove to myself that I am strong, powerful, intelligent and worthy of the presence of God, my Heavenly Father.

" And {I will} prove {myself} herewith, to see if {I} will do all the things whatsoever the Lord {my} God shall command {me}." ~ Abraham 3:25

Probably one of my favorite piece of scripture ever (I love the song) sums it up:

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace." ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

You have been caught Jey Walking!

letting go

2009-08-20T16:10:00.001-04:00

Today it hit me.

I spent thirty years of my life trying to hold onto to memories, people, places, things and now I want to get rid of half of what I have, but I don't know how to let go.

Letting go, for me, is like purposely choosing to be abandoned. Recently, I have been searching my soul and talking out loud to those who will listen about letting go. Not just of stupid things, negative people or bad places but also letting go of fantasies, dreams of what could of been, false realities and a sense of entitlement, as one friend pointed out to me last year.

None of this belongs to me. Nothing is owed to me. Nothing is mine.

I tend to go into a situation "knowing" that all will work out in my favor and all the odds are in my court. This is a silly, immature fallacy. In the end, I get upset because I am confused to why it didn't turn out my way. One regret I carry is that I didn't take advantage of a wise grandmother, who didn't know much about anything, but knew nothing in life was free and even in the case of friends or family, it takes work to earn what you want; be it love, respect, honor, money or fame. I now wonder if my grandmother cautioned me from overextending myself and setting my expectations so high because at the time she could see I would only do the bare minimum to pass. There's a list of evidence favoring that statement.

I was a good runner with the potential to be a great runner, but I didn't work as hard. I was a good student with the potential to be a great student, but didn't work hard enough; I often lost focus of the end goal. The list goes on for 30 years. I am good at a lot of things with the potential to be great, but I have not been willing to do the work; to focus on the end goal; to push through the pain. Sure, people that know my story will tell me they're impressed because I'm not addicted to drugs, in prison or dead, but that's not good enough for me - I don't think that should be good enough for anyone.

There you have it friends, I am admitting I am not as great as I could be. Some of you might write comments that reassure me otherwise, but please, don't. This isn't a post fishing for compliments - I am writing this for me.

There's a lot wrong with me and what's wrong with me is a list of bad choices, some that haven't been resolved. Today I read an article in the September 2009 Ensign about loving those you know with same-gender attraction; I find the articles about this subject to be interesting because I often think, "how things really are," is left out. However, the author wrote this one line that I really like that I feel I could apply to myself.

It reads, "After all, it is the Savior's role, not mine, to heal her." Instead I read it this way, " After all, it is the Savior's role, not mine, to heal me." I am not sure if that's true because I always figured it was my role, as well as the Savior's, to heal me. Apparently I had this notion that I am equal to God and Christ's power. I would never say that, nor is that what I really believe. In thinking I can heal myself or resolve my problems with or without the Savior is ridiculous. Time and time again I am told in blessings, talks and scriptures that it is, "after all we can do..." ~2 Nephi 25:23

Today, it hit me.

I can do all I can do and it will never be enough to match the strength, love and purity of the Savior's. He's not looking for a perfect sculpture; a masterpiece, He's looking for clay.

One of my favorite scriptures reads, "O (Jey), cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the Lord. Behold, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are ye in mine hand, O (Jey)." ~Jeremiah 18:6

How many times does the Lord have to tell me it's not only okay to let go, it's time to let go? I have built up all this evidence why I have failed in this life because I haven't measured up to a standard I knew I couldn't attain alone. The Lord, on the other hand, as gracious as He eternally is, has volumes of books of evidence proving I am good enough for Him.

I think of Laman and Lemuel; they were not that different from myself. I am no Nephi; I am a rebel who so quickly forgets the mercy of God. I love what Nephi exclaims to his brothers, "How is it that ye are so hard in your hearts, and so blind in your minds...How is it that ye have not hearkened unto the word of the Lord? How is it that ye have forgotten that ye have seen an angel of the Lord? Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten what great things the Lord has done for us...Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to His will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him." ~1 Nephi 7:8-12

I am not a complete rebel, but I have lost some sight of how great the Lord has been to me in my mortal life and on my journey back to Him. Lucky for me, God still loves me. Isaiah wrote and Nephi recorded several times this great phrase or reminder, "but His hand is stretched out still."

I like to believe that the Lord keeps telling me to let go and grab hold of that hand that, "is stretched out still." So, maybe today's a great day for that.

Today it hit me.

It's time to let go.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

just so you know

2009-08-10T13:09:00.001-04:00

"I'm so excited for you - but what does it mean to be undetectable?" is the question I get the most and I do not mind at all explaining what HIV/AIDS is and why being undetectable is so important.

So, please indulge me as I layout the basics of HIV/AIDS or the Human Immunodeficiency Virus and Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. HIV is the virus that leads to AIDS and AIDS is a diagnosis given to those with HIV that have a high viral load count, a T-Cell count under 200 and/or an opportunistic infection - an infection that only those with severely compromised immune systems generally get.

Let me state emphatically, HIV/AIDS IS NOT A GAY DISEASE.

"HIV does not discriminate. It is not who you are, but what you do that determines whether you can become infected with HIV."

No thanks to the CDC in the early eighties, the common myth is that HIV/AIDS only affects gay people and those they engage in unprotected sex with. Though the gay community and those that had unprotected sex with them were and are still being infected - they are not the source nor the only ones being infected.

The other common myth is that HIV/AIDS came from apes/monkeys - there is no certain known source of HIV/AIDS and there is still extensive research into when and where it first appeared. Some reports show evidence that it has been around since the late 1800's-early 1900's.

Another myth: There must be a cure because so many people are living healthy, longer lives even with HIV/AIDS. This is false, there is no found cure. Anti-retroviral drugs or "cocktails" are strong and can fight off the effects of the disease for a long time. Thanks to the advances in medicine and science and a landmark move by two pharmaceutical companies to collaborate their work into a one pill once a day drug - many people around the world are surviving. There are so many millions, though, without these drugs that die every minute of every day mostly because of ignorance, refusal to get tested, governments who refuse to accept help or allow their infected people to have drugs, etc. Please, just remember, there is no found cure, but there is hope that we are close to getting one.

Now that I've covered all that - you may want to know what exactly it is. There are plenty of websites that describe HIV/AIDS, I will list the best ones at the end. HIV is a virus that attacks the immune system, but not like most viruses. HIV is unfortunately, really smart.

In basic terms HIV comes into the body through semen, vaginal fluid, blood and breast milk. The ways it is transmitted is through unprotected sex, sharing contaminated syringes/needles, giving birth and breast-feeding. There are rare cases where it was transmitted through oral sex or kissing that still involved either blood, semen or vaginal fluid - NOT saliva. Though saliva carries the HIV antibodies - it would take at least 8 gallons of saliva in contact continuously with at least one of the other bodily fluids to be infected. Even then, there have not been enough cases to prove that kissing leads to infection unless blood is present and that oral sex leads to infection unless blood and a contaminated bodily fluid is present. Not to be too graphic, but I can't imagine anyone wanting to kiss someone while both their mouths were bleeding, etc.

Just a reminder, HIV is not transmitted through sweat, saliva, urine, mosquitos or anything other than what was listed above. It is strictly a virus only humans can get, though there is evidence that other similar viruses have been found in our relatives; primates.

HIV, once in the body, attaches itself to T-Cells (CD-4 cells) aka white blood cells and basically retrieves DNA from the cell and imitates the cell as if itself, the virus, is a healthy white blood cell. The virus in its new disguise tricks the healthy cell into letting it inside. It enters the cell and starts making millions and billions of copies of itself that are sent out like destroyer drones. Eventually, the healthy cell is taken over by the virus and the process repeats until, without treatment, the person has no more healthy cells to protect themselves and they die.

Everyone has T-Cells; when you get a cold, T-Cells send out antibodies that save you from death and doctors can use these to diagnose you. When someone gets HIV - antibodies are sent out to help fight and that's why doctors use saliva to do preliminary HIV tests. They do blood tests to confirm whether someone who tested positive through saliva actually has the HIV virus and not some other virus; the preliminary tests are 99.9% accurate, but there are a few reasons why a false positive may show up.

Ok, so jump to someone like me who not so long ago wasn't doing so great. My T-Cell count was at 303 and my viral load was 88,668 or something like that. That's not so great. Doctors will suggest and strongly encourage that any HIV positive person with a T-cell count under 500 should begin treatment.

What is treatment? It's different for everybody. It began in a horrible way but now we have hope. The "cocktails" or anti-retrovirals are meant to do two things at the same time. One, kill the virus before or as it attaches to the T-Cell. Two, enter the contaminated T-Cell and stop the virus from making copies. So, drugs are designed to help and protect T-Cells and the body by increasing T-Cells and decreasing viral load. The idea is that an HIV/AIDS patient have more than 500 T-Cells and less the 48 copies of the virus/viral load. When someone has under 48 copies, tests can no longer detect the virus in the body and that's why we call people with an undetected viral load, UNDETECTABLE.

Just an interesting note: A person who has been diagnosed as having AIDS, but because of treatment improves to the point that their T-Cells go back over 200 and their viral load decreases...no matter if the person lives the rest of their life undetectable, they are still considered to have AIDS. Once an immune system has been so compromised, ANYTHING, can set it right back down or even to death.

Early treatments required sometimes 12 to 15 pills a day, three to six times a day. Imagine taking anywhere from 36-90 plus pills a day that each cost about $100 or more. Today, drugs are still expensive, but there are more and more organizations that make it possible for more people regardless of income to have access to these drugs. I believe it's now the law in the United States that HIV/AIDS patients cannot be refused medical help and medicinal treatment - the program is known as Medic-Aid - anyone who enters a hospital with HIV/AIDS can demand Medic-Aid to cover the costs of the support they need. Of course this program is based on low-income and each state has a set standard.

I feel I have rambled on here and there and mixed everything up. Hopefully, I have presented this information in a way that has been helpful to all that read it. I am more than happy to answer any questions about HIV/AIDS and/or my personal experiences with it via my personal e-mail.

I love you all and thank you for the thoughts, prayers and support you give me. Without it, I would not have the ability to open up and share such vital information with my family and friends. Again, I really do appreciate all that you have done on my and other HIV/AIDS patients behalf through emotional, physical and financial support.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

http://www.northstarlds.org/hivaids.php
once there, scroll down for websites for more information

You will also find an essay I wrote about my experience with HIV

counting my blessings

2009-08-07T20:09:00.001-04:00

If some one told me the day I was diagnosed HIV positive (November 18th 2005) that in four years I would be undetectable and healthy, I would not have believed them.

Today I went back to my doctor's office to find out that I am still undetectable after only seven months of drug treatment. Not only that but my T-cell count has increased to 732!!! (That's really good news!) My goal is to hit 1,000 T-Cells by November 13th - my next test.

I'm not cured physically - but my ability to trust that the Lord really does have me and the whole world in His hands has expanded and my spirit has been impacted by the healing process.

I just want my family and friends to know how much I love them and am so appreciative of their thoughts, prayers and generosity offered on my behalf - it really has made the difference.

Thank you so much!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

i ♥ crabs

2009-07-31T12:23:00.001-04:00

My zodiac sign, Cancer - represented by a crab/69 (yin-yang) - is arguably the best sign to have, despite the fact that we are some of the most emotional, moody and, yes, crabby people around. Lately, my irritability level has sky-rocketed to the point where all the small stuff; everyone's idiosyncrasies are driving me backwards up the wall. What am I to do? I feel like strangling people, even strangers for things that, even, I do. I just want to scream at my friends and random people for annoying me so much. It's so bad that I find myself yelling in a room all by myself like I am bipolar with a slight Tourette's disorder. I know I am not crazy, but I feel it coming on.

I went to see a counselor and I was telling him about how irritated at the world and myself I was. I was telling stories about home, school and personal life. I felt like I was just venting a bunch of non-related things to him. The counselor stopped me and asked me if I saw the theme throughout every story. I did not. Through the rest of our session I uncovered that at the root of all my angst, in fact, not just recent issues, but a lifelong problem, is that I feel people don't respect or understand my circumstances, my limits, my journey or what I've been through. So, I begin to resent them over time until it is resolved. I found this to be interesting. A light went on in my head and knowing this or uncovering this, made so much sense to me, but I didn't know why.

Here's an example. At school I may be given an assignment that is difficult or hard to understand. Instead of asking for help from the teacher, classmates or a tutor, I begin to shutdown and resent the teacher, the class and even school because I begin to see them as enemies all trying to humiliate or embarrass me. I know this is absolutely not true at all, but over the years, time and time again, I put up my defense whenever I feel attacked, disrespected or humiliated. The problem is, I am not really being attacked, just being challenged. School can be tough, like an over-cooked steak, learning new things and meeting the demands of the course are meant to challenge students for the purpose of making them stronger, smarter and more disciplined. My mind hasn't see it that way though, until now.

In the case of annoying roommates or people, rarely, are any of them actually trying to attack me or humiliate me, but, in fact, they are challenging me because that's what we humans do. We are constantly seeing what buttons we can push and establishing boundaries or breaking them down with each other. We do this more often with people we know, care about and love. Maybe that's why the adage goes, "You only hurt the ones you love."

Now I have the opportunity for myself to accept the challenges, assert myself, but, with less irritability. I can live by the motto, I can do hard things and "let virtue garnish [my] thoughts unceasingly, that [my]confidence may wax strong in the presence of God." For I know that "in His strength [I] can do all things." Thanks for listening (reading).

You have been caught Jey Walking! (and staying calm)

o ye of little faith, peace, be still

2009-07-23T13:17:00.009-04:00

Recently I played my own arranged medley of hymns as a special musical number for sacrament meeting. This, in and of itself, is not strange, in fact, I have done such a thing in every ward I've been in since 2003.

What is strange is that I had only arranged the medley the night before because, unlike previous times, I had nothing to practice on. I recently sold my portable piano to pay my rent and I have regretted that ever since. Did DaVinci sell his art supplies or Mozart his harpsichord? I doubt it - but oh well.

Anyway, because of my lack of practice I was unsure I should perform. These second thoughts grew as I learned the theme of my music did not really fit the theme of the talks being given. Eventually, I thought,
O ye of little faith - this is God's gift to you to play, now it's your gift to God to play for Him - peace, be still. I gave in and settled on the final thought that I would just play anyway because the music was fresh in mind.

I played a pioneer medley that included:

"The Spirit of God"
"Jesus, Lover of My Soul"
"Come, Come, Ye Saints"
Nearer, My God, To Thee"
Lead, Kindly Light"
and "Come Thou Fount of Ev'ry Blessing"

It was an interesting piece that was meant to tell the story of the pioneer trek from Nauvoo to the Salt Lake Valley. I wanted to use hymns from their era that they probably sang along the way as prayers to God for mercy and praise.

As it turned out, I am so glad I played the medley that day because my friend was in the congregation who is the friend of a friend of the brother of one of the Twelve Apostles. That brother just happened to need a pianist at the last minute for a dinner party he was putting on that his brother, the Apostle, would be attending.

Somehow, someway my name was given to the brother and I agreed to play even though I don't read music nor am I great at playing classical, contemporary or jazz improv piano which was part of what he wanted. I am best at arranging hymn medleys and composing my own music - it took me until the day of the party to feel at least 75% confidant I would do alright.

The day came and I got dressed in my best suit, shirt and tie. I was picked up in a lovely and luxurious Mercedes-Benz car service which only made me fearful I would not meet his expectations since he was paying me - but I pressed on. I printed out my list of music I could play. Here's the list, besides some jazz improv I played, in no particular order:

"Memory"
"Love Changes Everything"
"A Whole New World"
"Over The Rainbow/Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"
"Edelweiss"
"The Rose"
"I Dreamed A Dream"
"Chariots Of Fire"
"Ode To Joy/Jurassic Park Theme"

"For The Beauty Of The Earth/Simple Gifts/
All Creature Of Our God And King"
"Jesus, Lover Of My Soul/Nearer, My God, To Thee/
Jesus The Very Thought Of Thee'
"Let Zion In Her Beauty Rise/Praise To The Lord, The Almighty"
"If I Could Hie To Kolob"
"O My Father/How Great Thou Art/Amazing Grace"
"The Spirit Of God/How Firm A Foundation"
"O Savior, Thou Who Wearest A Crown"
"God Speed The Right/Onward Christian Soldiers/Press Forward Saints"
"Because I Have Been Given Much/Lord, I Would Follow Thee/
A Poor, Wayfaring Man of Grief"
"Consider The Lilies/Come Thou Fount/Lead, Kindly Light"
"Abide With Me/Abide With Me 'Tis Eventide"

and my own composition, "Orion's Song"

It was a wonderful two hours of music that included the great company and compliments of the Apostle, his lovely wife, his brother's family, his guests and Zeke the dog who loves to jump up and say hi.

I share this with you because the few days before I played in church I asked God how I would pay August's rent without a job. I trusted God enough to ask in the first place because He's gotten me through this entire year; He has provided a way for me to survive as long as I have asked for His help - though knowing Him - He would eventually help me anyway because he loves me so much. Despite all the evidence of a great and generous god, I have a doubtful heart.

This piano gig thing came the night after I played in church and probably only because I played in church since I am not a professional pianist. The amazing thing is that it more than provided for my rent this coming month. This is further evidence that God is aware of my circumstance and is more than willing to lead me kindly to the light that is His love. All I have to pay is my faith, trust in Him and simple obedience to simple things He asks of me.

The next day I went on an overnight road trip to Atlanta. On the way down we hit a huge and ferocious thunderstorm that I truly thought would injure or kill us. I had prayed for safety when we started the trek, but when the storm hit so hard I was afraid that God didn't hear my prayer. I prayed to myself to the point of tears that God would make the rain stop and get us out of the storm safely. Within 30 seconds the storm had lifted up and within a minute or two we were completely safe - the rest of our roadtrip was made without any scares or safety problems.

Now I am reminded of the scripture story about the disciples in the boat with Christ during a huge storm.

"And when he was entered into a ship, his disciples followed him. And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep. And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish. And he saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?
Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm. But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!" ~ Matthew 8:23-27

I have always loved the lyrics written by Mary Ann Baker to the hymn, "Master, The Tempest Is Raging." Karen Lynn Davidson writes in her book, Our Latter-Day Hymns: The Stories and The Messages, "This hymn first printed in 1874, asks us to play several roles as we sing it. In the first verse, our words are those of a fearful disciple in that boat on the Sea of Galilee; our panic rises as a growing tempest threatens to capsize us at any moment. In the second verse, the fear and despair are just as great, but these are figurative storms, "torrents of sin and of anguish." The third verse recognizes the peace that comes after Jesus has calmed the storm, whether it is a storm on Galilee or a storm within the heart. The same chorus follows each verse, and here we speak words of faith in the Savior's ability to calm the storm. The hymn's central phrase and message, "Peace, be still," is repeated four times in this chorus."

In some other words from Mary Ann Baker, "The Master's own voice stilled the tempest in my unsanctified heart and brought it to the calm of a deeper faith and a more perfect trust."

Last night I was told that the holiest war that one will ever fight is within the heart. I believe the greatest storm one will ever weather is found within the heart, as well. The heart is an amazing organ that plays many roles in one's life. One of my greatest missions in life is to let the spirit, peace and love dwell there, even in the midst of great storms.

In both the case of the need for rent money and the calming of a literal storm - I have learned in my heart the simple phrase,
"O ye of little faith, peace, be still."

You have been caught Jey Walking! (trusting in the Lord to lead the way)

life at 30

2009-07-07T02:00:00.002-04:00

It's seems like it's been forever since I last posted. I know I put writing off because i was expecting some great news, but now I feel it is best just to write it and let it be done.

July 2nd 2009 I left an entire decade of my TERRIBLE TWENTIES behind me - let's think back on my life and history between 1999-2009...then again, let's not or at least not right now. YES, I am proud and ecstatic to be 30 years old. I feel like Sally O'Malley from Saturday Night Live - I'm 30 and loving life! My roommate and friend treated me to a Broadway show, Mary Poppins, which was spectacular.

The next day I went to Coney Island for the first time and despite getting down poured on shortly after we arrived - the unique ferris wheel, freak sideshow, cotton candy and fireworks made ALL the difference.

The Fourth of July was spent with friends walking around Battery Park and walking along the Hudson then joining a New Years Eve in Times Square-like crowd to watch a wonderful celebration of Henry Hudson, the Hudson River, New York City and of course, AMERICA!

Sunday was a very beautiful and relaxing day of sunshine - I even enjoyed leading the Elder's Quorum in "Battle Hymn of the Republic" a capella. Overall, I have so much to be thankful for and I am so happy to be alive and 30!

Speaking of life, what's with all the deaths? It's weird that it seems I keep hearing about people dying all of a sudden - obviously people die everyday - but I can't tell if something is different and/or the media has nothing else to do but report people's deaths. Regardless I am shocked at the death of Michael Jackson, though anyone with such an eccentric lifestyle might be shortening their life.

It's sad to also lose Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Billy Mays among others even if I didn't know them personally. As I speak of death I always remember now my grandmother and best friend Norma Jean I lost two years ago and my cousin Michael who was born the same day and year as me, who we lost eight years ago at 22 years old. Life is so precious and I am thankful to have another day, another year.

Okay, I'll give in - let's run through the highlights and lowlights of the last decade of MYstory.

1999
Got my first Driver's License and cell phone - great combination
I moved to Lawrenceville, GA
(my first time ever flying in an airplane and lived outside of Southern California)

2000
Turned 21 and moved back to California
George W. Bush was elected President

2001
Went back to community college to work on getting a degree
9/11 attacks

2002
Hit by a car while riding my bike, OUCH!
Not really sure what else happened this year :D
America went to war in Iraq and Afghanistan, I think?

2003
Finished two years of liberal arts studies at City College
Moved to Washington, DC to work for City Year

2004
Turned 25 - Silver Anniversary!
Finished City Year program
Moved to Atlanta, Georgia
George W. Bush re-elected President?

2005 The Rough Year
Started my Advertising program at AiA
Mom returns home from prison
I am excommunicated from the LDS Church
I am diagnosed HIV positive

2006
Mom rebaptized into the church and living a healthier life

2007
Raised a turtle, Jorge El Tortuga Diabolico and some hermit crabs
My brother Michael and Mattie Carmack got married
(8 of 10 siblings were there, not to mention both my grandmother and mother)
My grandmother dies
Bought my first car, 1998 Dodge Neon Sport aka "Jack"
Attended my 10 year High School Reunion
Got a design internship working for the GA Secretary of State

2008
Lost our dear prophet, President Hinckley
Thomas S. Monson becomes new Prophet and President of the LDS Church
Graduated from The Art Institute of Atlanta
Got accepted into a Nonprofit Management program at Milano The New School for Management and Urban Policy in New York City.
Worked for the the awesome Spruill Center for the Arts
Sold my first car, "Jack"
Moved to New York City & started school
Barrack Obama elected 1st Black President
Started "cocktail" treatment

2009 so far
Became Undetectable!
Raised $1,031 for the NYC AIDS Walk
TURNED 30!

I am sure I have missed things here and there, but the important thing is that I have my family, great friends, my health and the knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ - these things I am grateful to have had throughout my thirty years!

You have been caught Jey Walking! (with a walker, so old now)

please?

2009-05-25T15:02:00.004-04:00

Why is it that everytime I have a strong feeling or eye opening experience there is a song that has been written that says it exactly how I feel.

The last few days I have been thinking selfishly for my future. I don't want to lose things, I don't want to sacrifice, I want everything to work in my favor and I just want life to be great. Too much to ask?

So today someone pointed out this song from awhile back

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME GET WHAT I WANT
by The Smiths

Good times for a change
See, the luck Ive had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time

Havent had a dream in a long time
See, the life Ive had
Can make a good man bad

So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time

###

Let me clarify one part I would change - it is certainly NOT the first time I have gotten what I want and the Lord knows that all too well. I am thankful for what I have - I just don't want to give it up :D

You have been caught Jey Walking! (isn't that what you want?)

balm of gilead

2009-05-11T09:47:00.005-04:00

Simply put, yesterday seemed like a disaster - in fact it felt the way most Monday mornings feel.

I have never loved waking up early on Monday mornings. I even wrote a poem in high school titled, "I Hate Mondays" - but that's for later. Last Monday when I wrote my post "My Letter to the One" and today are the rare exceptions. Like McDonald's new little ditty, I can say, "I'm Lovin' It!" but alas, I digress... YESTERDAY!

As the Elder's Quorum Music Coordinator I have been leading music during the priesthood hour of church. Our men proved that they can sing well a capella because we have no piano in our meeting room. So, I was asked to form an Elder's Quorum choir that would perform a capella in sacrament meeting.

I don't read music, I only play it. I can sing but I have to hear the notes to do so. I am usually frustrated because I am not a choir director. Half the time I lead, I am off by a few beats. I just stand there to serve as the guy who starts everyone else off on the wrong note and then continues to lead everyone singing off-beat, but who else will do it?

Yesterday we were all to meet early to run through our parts - especially because we were going to sing a capella. Maybe 1/3 of our guys were there, which in our ward is ten. Well, a few reluctant singers and a frustrated director who doesn't know what to do, doesn't make for great music. We ran out of time to practice and I ran out of patience - I left the building to let off some hot steam.

I don't like to feel anxious or humiliated because of my inability to do what people expect me to do. I was so angry and almost felt disrespected and betrayed - I just wanted to give up.

I decided that I didn't want to give up on these guys even if I felt I was being failed. I would be a hypocrite if I failed those who at least showed up and tried their best. After all, these men aren't trained singers just like I'm no trained choir director. We ended singing the hymn, "I Need Thee Every Hour" even if I failed to utter such a prayer out loud - I know others prayed for me and us on our behalf. Though it wasn't a capella - it was beautiful.

Unfortunately, this didn't stop me from being frustrated and bitter the rest of the day. There are so many things on my mind right now. When I wrote that it might be hard to express my joy about being undetectable I was really saying, "Great! I'm undetectable, but what about all my other problems?" Needless to say my attitude hasn't been so pleasant lately, regardless of the good news that I've received; news that many like me wish they too would receive. I am blessed; I have it good, even if I don't deserve it.

After church I decided to go to Ward Choir practice, even though I really just wanted to sulk. The hymn we are preparing to perform is a beautiful rendition of, "Did You Think to Pray?" I really enjoyed singing that yesterday and surprisingly I really have my part down pretty well. Then I went home and eventually fell asleep after watching a six hour movie whose theme had a lot to do with healing and the Fountain of Bethesda among other things.

This morning I woke up and began to start my day. The usual Monday morning routine includes showering with anxiety, putting on some guilt and despair and heating up some leftover anger to eat. I guess this morning started differently. I took out my medication, a slice of bread and some water - sort of like my own sacrament between me and the Lord. As I sat down to take my meds, eat, drink and prepare to be merry - I noticed something I noticed at least five months ago.

Truvada is one of the medicines I take and it comes in the form of a large blue pill. On one side is imprinted a word, in fact the name of the manufacturing science lab, Gilead. For some reason this got me singing, "Did You Think to Pray?" and specifically the third verse:

"When sore trials came upon you
Did you think to pray?
When your soul was filled with sorrow,
Balm of Gilead did you borrow
At the gates of day?

Oh, how praying rests the weary!
Prayer will change the night to day.
So, when life gets dark and dreary,
Don't forget to pray."

It struck me like a bug strikes a Mac truck's windshield! Here I was looking down at this word Gilead on a pill that has prolonged my life singing, "Did You Think to Pray?" I was holding my own Balm of Gilead and it's more than just a pill - it's God, His endless blessings, my life, everything! If anyone in the world needed to borrow the Balm of Gilead at the gates of day - more so on Monday mornings - it has to include me. As part of my daily ranting, raving and pleadings to the myself and to anyone listening I say, "I Need Thee Every Hour" but "Did I Think to Pray?" What a wake up call.

Speaking of wake up calls - it's maybe no coincidence then that Gilead literally means heap of testimony or mass of witness. So, Balm of Gilead could really be translated to mean - healing witness.

I can testify to you that the Balm of Gilead is not only a healing resin for our temporal wounds. It also includes revelatory witness and testimony of the very Atonement of Jesus Christ that allows us to be healed spiritually.

"For as the body without the spirit is dead..."
~ James 2:26

To answer the age-old question from Jeremiah 8:22, "Is there no balm in Gilead; is there no physician there?" I gladly reply - YES - we can find the Balm of Gilead in prayer, in humility, in patience and in healing our body and our spirits through cleansing and sanctification.

"O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me...I cried unto thee, O Lord; and unto the Lord I made supplication...Hear, O Lord, and have mercy upon me: Lord, be thou my helper. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing...and girded me with gladness; to the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever."
~Psalm 30

There is one physician in Gilead who can heal all things sick, mend all things torn, fix all things broken and make all things whole again. It is He, our Savior Jesus Christ. He called me to prayer this morning and I was reminded that there is hope - there is love - there is God.

"...weeping may endure the night, but joy cometh in the morning."
~Psalm 30:5

You have been caught Jey Walking! (sometimes kneeling to pray, too)

UNDETECTABLE!

2009-05-07T18:39:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to let you all know I am UNDETECTABLE!

I am not sure how much I can write now because I am just so excited, relieved and emotional.

I just ask that if you are able to support me by making a contribution at the upcoming AIDS Walk New York: http://www.aidswalk.net/newyork/ or to Callen-Lorde Community Health Center at: www.callen-lorde.org

Thanks so much for hanging in here with me!

love jey

You have been caught Jey Walking!

my letter to the one

2009-05-04T06:01:00.009-04:00

If there is one thing, maybe one theme, I could express my feelings about to my dear brothers, sisters and friends who may feel the darkness all around them because they too have confusing feelings, desires and attractions toward the same sex/gender that they are not sure of - it would be this-

No matter where, who, or what you are
No matter how you were raised or the lack thereof
No matter your religious background or color of your skin
No matter what your personality or character is like
No matter what your favorites in life are
No matter what the content of your dreams may be

Someone - somewhere has walked down a similar road
You are not the only one
I am your brother and friend!

I feel compelled to express my feelings for my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. I thank them for allowing me the privilege and honor of living this life with all the trials and experiences I have been through and have yet to travail. One of these trials is being gay - not to say that being so makes me or anyone else bad or evil - but it's certainly not easy - that's for sure! Though, I know that there is one who has suffered more than I.

"If thou art called to pass through tribulation...If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee...if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, the very jaws of hell gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son (daughter), that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

"The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than He?"

"Therefore, hold thy way...fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever."
~ Doctrine & Covenants 122

I am honored to have sacrificed dreams that could have been to feel the pain and anxiety of being different; being gay - the self-loathing, rejection, sorrow, loss, loneliness, exclusion, depression or suicidal thoughts -YES- even the desire for death as so many like me have come to feel and the one too many that have unfortunately succeeded in those desires. I am honored because not only has it brought me closer to my God - it has helped me in being a better friend - a better person to others.

I will not judge those who desire to have what they believe to be their basic rights. I won't lie - I have had desires to settle down with my "dream man" because sometimes - it feels natural, happy and right.

I am not one who judges others who leave their church and/or their families to choose, so often, a destructive lifestyle of drugs, alcohol and promiscuity - how can I? I have been down that road to hell and back, slipping back down and crawling out of the darkness again and again - a continual cycle over the last 12 years.

Neither do I judge those who choose to hide or dismiss their feelings or desires to serve God and their families and go about their day to day because for them - that is their highest priority.

I would not condemn my brothers and sisters who share this battle with me; I will fight along side them. It's hard because we all want different things - but one way or another we have shared so much of the pain and anxiety that is being gay.

Funny that gay used to be a word that meant happy or carefree. For many it still does regardless of context or usage. The reality is that so many of us are hurting inside, feeling lost and afraid of what might be. Many of us don't know which side to choose. The last thing we need is to be judged, slandered or cast aside. I know all I want and need are hugs, friends, support, encouragement, a sense of protection and safety and love - love and kindness from family, friends and my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.

In the recent years I have come to know more and more - some of the most talented, skilled, supportive, friendly and loving men and women in the world - they just happen to be gay. I have also come to know so many who don't feel they are loved and supported - they are not sure they can trust the world around them not to condemn them for feelings and desires that, not only feel natural and right, but are more often than not - uncontrollable and seem to come from nowhere or deep inside.

So - this message is to the one; to those who are in the darkness of their so called "closets" because of the fear that wells inside of you. I am here. I am your brother. I am your friend. I will love you the best I can. I will support you with all that I know and have. I will walk with you along this rocky, twisted path. I will share this trial with you so you know you are not the only one. I will help carry the load - so that when you are weak you don't have to fall into a pit of despair and even if you do - I will be there to help you out.

I am honored to have been blessed with my life - I have learned to feel with the deepest part of my heart, mind and soul. I have often walked with my Savior to learn from Him how best to sacrifice, serve and love. I hope you will walk with me.

love your brother and friend, Jey

You have been caught Jey Walking! (You can hold my hand if you want too)

PS. Also see,
LDS.org - Ensign Article - None Were with Him

detectable solicitation

2009-05-03T22:34:00.006-04:00

I am so excited to find out on May 7th - 4 pm what my latest HIV viral load count is and especially if it is going to be "UNDETECTED"!

I also really excited for May 17th! ( http://www.aidswalk.net/newyork/ )

I went to the gym for the first in awhile and am feeling great - I feel healthier than I was when I was diagnosed in 2005. I owe a lot to the people at GMHC and Callen-Lorde Community Health Center here in New York. Without the services they have provided for me.

Since last August they have provided me with two pairs of glasses so I can see, a new crown for my tooth (been missing for several years now - never had the money to replace it) - blood tests - STD tests - vaccines - and of course, the most important - my drugs that have eradicated almost all of the HIV in my body.

GMHC and Callen-Lorde Community Health Center (www.callen-lorde.org)have obviously done so much - they have given me more life to live. Being the broke grad student that I am - I can't afford to pay them back - but I made a contribution anyway. This year I am turning 30 and it's all thanks to God, GMHC and Callen-Lorde Community Health Center.

I am asking each of you - despite the economic times that we are in - to donate $30 in my name to this year's AIDS Walk New York.( http://www.aidswalk.net/newyork/ ) and/or If each of you contributed this amount it would add up fast and really make a difference.

You can also make a donation to Callen-Lorde at their website www.callen-lorde.org

Please give $30 today ( http://www.aidswalk.net/newyork/ ) or (www.callen-lorde.org) to show your support to me and to those who are doing everything they can to provide meaningful, life-changing services to people like me. I really appreciate all the support, thoughts, prayers and donations received already.

Follow the link below to either walk with me, donate or both. It's safe, secure and easy-even I did it!

http://www.aidswalk.net/newyork/
(go to : Sponsor a Walker)

or

www.callen-lorde.org

Thanks a billion! (or just $30!)

love Jey

PS. I should be having an "undetectable" party soon and you're invited to come celebrate!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

shameless plug

2009-04-21T14:20:00.004-04:00

I appreciate all the love and support I have received from my friends and family since 2005, when I was diagnosed with HIV.

Last December 21st, I began taking medication to eradicate as much of the virus in my body as I could. I am happy to say that my doctor and I feel confidant that on this 4 month mark - my next test result should come up undetectable!

I owe it all to the great support and healthcare I have received through GMHC and Callen-Lorde Community Health Center. But here's the reality - my doctor's visits, blood tests, lab work, vaccinations and medication add up. I take $600 in pills a day alone and the lab tests range between $200-900 every 6 weeks.

I am one of the fortunate ones, I receive these services and have my life prolonged by certain programs and services that don't make me pay the full cost. There are so many others that don't have that option. While no one is turned away due to inability to pay - these organizations can only help others through donations like yours.

I know times are tough-the economy isn't so great, but in these times it's organizations like these who help people live that get their budgets cut in half and desperately need your help.

Please join me in donating to this cause. I am happy to be turning 30 this year so I donated $30. I hope that you can join me and so many others who believe that a little bit can go a long way.

Like I said, I appreciate all the love and support I receive - my wish is others like me receive the same.

You can go to this link to make your secure, tax-deductible donation online today:

http://www.aidswalk.net/newyork/

www.callen-lorde.org

Thank you so much,

love jey

You have been caught Jey Walking!

enlightened lessons

2009-04-02T12:25:00.008-04:00

I was anxious all day yesterday - wondering who was going to try to pull an April Fool's Day joke or prank on me. It turned out that I was taught an interesting lesson that I hope will shape the rest of my life and journey therein.

In my Theory & Practice of Nonprofit Management course we are discussing how Boards should be formed for an organization. In this discussion we ask several questions of ourselves in which we are creating a criteria for those who should fill seats on the Board we would be hypothetically forming.

In this discussion my professor said something to me that was profound, as he often does with his quick wit and intellectual humor. In speaking about forming a Board, or rather an organization he states that organizations should ask themselves two questions:

"Am I what I say I am?"
"Am I doing what I say I do?

In Abraham 3:22, found in the Pearl of Great Price, it reads that the Lord showed Abraham "the intelligences that were organized before the world was..." Of course, we are those intelligences; I am an organization of intelligence of God.

With this in mind, I felt the need to ask myself these questions again:

As an organization of intelligence of God, am I what I say I am?
As an organization of intelligence of God, am I doing what I say I do?

I am not sure what I said to my friends, family or God Himself before this life - but I did desire to come here and made the choice to follow Christ's plan before this life. As a follower of Christ before and in this life, am I what I say I am? As one who has, before and in this life, made covenants with God to do certain things and live a certain way - am I doing what I say I do?

After class, these feelings escaped my mind as soon as I left the classroom. Holding onto a singular thought in New York City can be a difficult task when approached with solicitors, advertising and the rich aromatic mix of cigarette smoke, urine, homeless people and felafel carts...I digress - see it happens like that.

Unknown to me this lesson from class would be repeated while watching a documentary last night about yoga in America called "Enlighten Up!" A wonderful documentary directed by Kate Churchill explores the yoga movement in the west, its roots from the east, all while challenging a novice skeptic to find enlightenment through yoga.

At one point in the movie the novice skeptic asks a yoga master/guru in India how one achieves enlightenment. His response was one that really hit home in my heart. The guru replied that one must get rid of all that one is not and as one does this one will be who one is and when one is truly who they are, that is enlightenment. In other circles, it is called authenticity.

Over the last few hours I have had these thoughts and feelings rolling around within me. I have felt impressed to ask myself - is there any part of my life that I am living that is not me? Am I authentically myself or am I a collection of deceptive lies, half-truths and conflict?

I really don't know where to go with these thoughts right now. I am glad I am having these thoughts that stimulate my mind and enhance the journey that I am on. At this point all I can say is I am glad no one April Fooled me.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

on my way; almost there

2009-03-12T19:37:00.004-04:00

Today I went to the doctor's office and was expecting to hear that I am now an "undetectable" (below 48 viral load) HIV positive man.

I am really happy to announce that my T-cells have gone up from 444 to 500 (465+ is great - so I am doing well)

Although I am not undetectable, my viral load has dropped from 476 to 119 (a 75% decrease - obviously I am making dramatic progress)

THANKS FOR FOR YOUR CONTINUED FASTING, PRAYERS & SUPPORT!

* The next text result date will be 5/8 and my doctor, like myself, assumes I will be well under the 48 mark by then.

love your friend,
Jey

You have been caught Jey Walking! (NOW...Walk it out!)

one of those days

2009-03-09T14:21:00.006-04:00

Have you ever had a Sunday at church where everything seem to be directed at you and the Spirit was comfortably present? I don't have a lot of Sundays like that and certainly haven't had a numerous of recent weekdays like it either.

Yesterday was our ward conference - the first since I've moved here. We are a small ward with about 25-40 regularly attending elders and 50+ sisters; our conference was simple but the power of it was grand.

First our awesome Bishop spoke to us about second chances and the "good news" of the gospel of Jesus Christ. The bulk of his talk revolved around the following story and the painting above that it depicts.

The Gospel of John (John 5) relates the touching tale of a man, ill for 38 years, waiting at the pool of Bethesda for a miracle of healing.

Jesus, seeing him in this wretched condition, asked him, "Wilt thou be made whole?" The man told Jesus that he had no one to place him in the water at the time the healings were to take place. Jesus responded, "Rise, take up thy bed, and walk."

The man was healed immediately, his body changed by the words of the Savior.

When he was asked to rise - no questions asked,
no complaints, no doubt - he rose!
When he was asked to walk - no questions asked,
no complaints, no doubt - he walked!
When he was asked to obey - no questions asked,
no complaints, no doubt - he obeyed!
When he was asked to have faith - no questions asked,
no complaints, no doubt - he was faithful!
When he was told he was made whole and to go and sin no more
no questions asked, no complaints, no doubt
he went on his way thankful to Jesus!

This isn't a new lesson or revelation! I know Jesus Christ is the my Redeemer and Savior - but this story, the painting and the talk from my Bishop combined provided me with further light regarding the Atonement and my relationship to Christ and my Heavenly Father.

It's funny because my friend recently told me that after years of looking for answers he finally got them after he stopped asking questions and just listened. It didn't make sense to me at the time because I analyze and ask questions everyday - it's my nature and my personality to do so - but as I am writing this - it came to me, of course after hearing the talk that I am failing to listen to God and to the Spirit, but instead am constantly cutting them off with my incessant questions and curiosity - which, as my friend says, are only met with questions. You thought Jesus only answered questions with questions in the Bible - think again :D

After the talk the choir, which I am in, sang a beautiful version of "Abide With Me" and then the Stake President spoke about our "dreams" list and how Satan tries to minimizes our dreams and goals. As the Stake President said, if he causes us to believe there is no opportunity, even if there is, if we believe him, he has won!

I found recently that the gospel is more simple than I believed growing up. In Doctrine & Covenants 93:1 says it one verse: "Verily, thus saith the Lord: it shall come to pass that every soul who forsaketh his sins and cometh unto me, and calleth on my name, and obeyeth my voice, and keepeth my commandments, shall see my face and know that I am"

Anyway - I am just thankful for days like these - it really was just one of those days.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

phoenix rising

2009-03-03T12:54:00.009-05:00

yesterday was burned by phoenix’s fire

yet in the ash embers of hope remain

new dreams give birth in despair

shrouded in darkness i mourn what was

to remember what will be no more

then like the phoenix i will rise

with renewed passion glowing as fire

ash will give way to flame

like the phoenix i will soar again

( based on Amy Sondova's "Phoenix Ashes" )

you have been caught Jey Walking!

endless night

2009-02-20T00:58:00.004-05:00

I saw "The Lion King" tonight on Broadway. First, let me say how amazing it really is. I've heard the hype and now I can say that it has not only lived up to its reputation, but is also very worth going and seeing for yourself.

Of course I got teary-eyed during "Circle of Life" - the introduction is beautifully done and I just love the song anyway. But I was more shocked and moved to tears when Simba sang "Endless Night" I found it to be so symbolic of the many thoughts and prayers of my heart that have been sent into the heavens.

Lately, things have gotten a little crazy in my New York City life and I have asked myself how am I going to find my way back - my way home. Like Simba sings, I also know the sun will rise on the night of my depression or heartache.

Here's a snippet and the lyrics for your pleasure:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7AeTFYsBg

Where has the starlight gone?
Dark is the day
How can I find my way home?

Home is an empty dream
Lost to the night
Father, I feel so alone

You promised you'd be there
Whenever I needed you
Whenever I call your name
You're not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on
Just waiting to hear your voice
One word, just a word will do
To end this nightmare

When will the dawning break
Oh endless night
Sleepless I dream of the day

When you were by my side
Guiding my path
Father, I can't find the way

You promised you'd be there
Whenever I needed you
Whenever I call your name
You're not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on
Just waiting to hear your voice
One word, just a word will do
To end this nightmare

I know that the night must end
And that the sun will rise
And that the sun will rise

I know that the clouds must clear
And that the sun will shine
And that the sun will shine

I know that the night must end
And that the sun will rise
And that the sun will rise
I know that the clouds must clear
And that the sun will shine
And that the sun will shine
(Repeat to end)

I know
Yes, I know
The sun will rise
Yes, I know
I know
The clouds must clear

I know that the night must end
I know that the sun will rise
And I'll hear your voice deep inside

I know that the night must end
And that the clouds must clear
The sun
The sun will rise
The sun
The sun will rise

You have been caught Jey Walking! (Hakuna Mata!)

the wanderering stranger

2009-02-07T21:30:00.007-05:00

A couple of weeks ago I was on my way to the doctor's office to get my latest test results. While on the train I decided to listen to the "Reflections of Christ" soundtrack (check it out!) I began to ponder the trail of disaster I have left behind me in my lifetime. I thought about all the people I've wronged, harmed, hurt or ignored. I thought about lives I may have destroyed or changed negatively. I thought about how many times the Savior has come to my undeserving rescue - all the miracles I have benefited from unworthily.

While these thoughts overwhelmed my mind and tugged on my heart strings, the song "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing" One of the verses gets me every time:

"Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood."

I began to weep - which isn't hard for me to do - I admit openly that I am quite the sensitive person and am prone to crying, but not so much in public, in NYC or on a subway. I couldn't help it. Like the song says, Jesus has sought me even when I have ignored him, left him or was trying to run from him. He calls after me by name, with open arms, waiting to see me and hold and protect me once more (but not in a weird, stalker way).

As my thoughts turned to the Savior the next verse hit me with just as much magnitude:

"O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;"

I began to silently pray to God:

"Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above."

If that wasn't enough the following song was "Amazing Grace" - so obviously the same feelings swelled up within me. As I continued towards my appointment other songs that sent powerful messages to me were "Be Still, My Soul" and then "Jesus, Lover of My Soul"

At that point all of this withholding of tears and sniffling and thoughts swirling around from my mind to heart through my soul got to me. I stopped near a somewhat secluded spot off the sidewalk and just let it out-I was compelled to kneel down right there to pray, but it's NYC so my fear overcame my faith.

Once I was able to regain some sense of "normalcy" I looked up at some a group of small birds washing themselves in the puddles of fresh rainwater on the ground. Maybe I am weird or taking it the wrong way, but it just seem to remind of the Atonement. In some way, it seemed the Spirit was saying - yes, you have sinned and have done some terrible things to yourself and many, many others - BUT - you can be cleansed, made whole again - Christ has died for you TOO and He will accept you if you will accept Him. I love little birds fluttering in puddles of water while the sun shines down on them - it's a beautiful sight, unless they're pigeons.

If this weren't enough of a story I finally made it to my doctor's office. I am sure I scared some people getting an HIV test as I walked into an HIV/AIDS clinic crying my eyes out-but maybe they needed to see it.

I got my results and in case you haven't heard...

After less than a month of medication, my T-cells went up from 360 to 444 and my viral load plummeted down from 68,811 to 476. To be considered "undetectable" my viral load must drop below 48 copies. My goal is to be undetectable before my 30th birthday in July, but in all likelihood - it will happen by the next time I get tested in March.

So, what's this post about? I meant to write it the day this all happened - I had so much to say about the miracle God has granted me. I have so much gratitude for those who fasted with me before I took the medication and for those who continue to pray on my behalf.

I bear you my testimony that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is for everyone; yes, you and me too. He died for our sins, sicknesses, sadness, trials, tribulations, even our lost dreams and so much more - that's why it is infinite. I know that my Redeemer lives. I know that He know me by name and loves me still. It's amazing and truly a blessing.

You have been caught Jey Walking! (Doubt not; Fear not!)

the change resolution

2009-01-01T21:23:00.005-05:00

So I felt strongly that I should post something today, like so many other people, regarding the New Year 2009 and my resolutions - then I was inspired by these lyrics - the performance is awesome! (see below) I just love how music and lyrics can inspire and touch me like this song.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGib_RkauZE

I Am Changing from Dreamgirls

Effie:

Look at me, Look at me
I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I'll be better than I am
I'm trying to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you
I need a hand

I am changing
Seeing everything so clear
I am changing
I'm gonna start right now, right here
I'm hoping to work it out
And I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All of my life I've been a fool
Who said I can do it on my own?
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dog nights have I known?
Walking down that wrong road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Could make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I'll be better than I am
But I need a friend
To help me start all over again
That would be just fine
I know it's gonna work out this time
'Cause this time I am
This time I am

I am changing
I'll get my life together now
I am changing
Yes I know how
I'm gonna start again
I'm gonna leave my past behind
I'll change my life
I'll make a vow
Nothings gonna stop me now

gold

2008-12-25T00:01:00.001-05:00

Every Christmas season I am reminded of one of the gifts brought to Christ at His birth by the wise men: gold. I often wonder what gift I could give to my Savior for the many gifts He has given to me; what could I place on the altar for Him.

In Job 23:10 it reads that, "But He knoweth the way that I take: when He hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold."

It dawned on me years ago that, though Christ gave me the gift of life, my gift to Him is that very life He gave me - He wants ALL of me back. Am I willing to sacrifice what He has given me and return it ALL back to Him? Am I willing to trust Him, follow Him and allow Him to refine me so that I may become something more than I could create on my own?

It is my true desire to show Him my love, adoration and sincere devotion by allowing Him to make me into a gift fit for His kingdom.

This song is one of my very favorites:

"GOLD" (from Camille Claudel)
lyrics by Nan Knighton music by Frank Wildhorn
as performed & recorded by Linda Eder

I wonder if when all is done
Anyone heard my voice
But from the start, we have no choice
Our journeys just begin

I'll never know if I was right
Did I fight hard enough?
Or when the battles grew to rough
Should I have given in?

But here I stand and swear to you
I did the best that I could do
I know my voice was just a whisper
But someone may have heard
There were nights the moon above me stirred
And let me grab a hold
My hands have touched the gold!

My heart's been driven by extremes
Blind with dreams, tight with fear
But still, God knows that I was here
And I was so alive!

So now I lay the past to rest
For in the end I did my best
You have to live the life you're given
And never close your eyes
You hold on and stare into the skies
And burn against the cold
For any moment, you might find the gold

And there was joy
Through it all
And I am standing tall

I know my voice was just a whisper
But someone must have heard
There were nights the moon above me stirred
And let my life take hold
I rode across that sky
And once I touched the gold!

Here in my own two hands
I once held the gold

You have been caught Jey Walking! (you're lookin' good!)

the battles i face

2008-12-21T00:01:00.004-05:00

Who am I today and what battle must I face? What armor should I put on?

Am I fighting as a man - to be a man - to be be masculine - to understand masculinity - to be accepted by the world of men - to know the secrets of the brotherhood?

Am I fighting as a white person to prove that I am not the stereotype or maybe I am - that I too wish I was not judged by the color or lack of color of my skin? Must I prove that I have a dream as well?

Am I fighting as a brother, a son, a grandson, a nephew or a cousin to connect my family dots and repair what may be broken or find what my be lost?

Am I fighting as a friend to keep friends close - to find support from those I trust and to give support to those I care about?

Am I fighting as Latter-day Saint (Mormon) though I am excommunicated or maybe because I am - to prove that I am faithful - that I belong - that I am worthy?

Am I fighting as a Jew descendent - standing up against hatred and misunderstanding - or am I fighting to prove that I am apart of the family too even though I accept Christ as my Savior and not just a nice guy or an radical prophet/rabbi?

Am I fighting as a man struggling with same-sex attraction - proving that I can change through the power of the Atonement - while supporting and loving my gay brothers and sisters who don't seek change?

Am I fighting as an abused and neglected child who experienced the failing bureaucracy (are there any bureaucracy that are successful?) of the foster care system that is a part of a society that so often forgets that foster children are victims/survivors - not criminals and that with enduring love - any child can reach their potential?

Am I fighting as an HIV positive person who faces the stigma of a disease that is deemed by many to be less "honorable" than fighting against something like cancer? Am I fighting to educate others so that one day funding isn't entirely cut because of ignorance? Am I fighting to keep loved ones at a distance so their eventual loss isn't so dramatic - am I fighting to accept it all and learn to love more carefully? Am I living to die or dying to live - am I fighting to make the most out of what I have?

Am I fighting as an advocate for drug abuse prevention - so that people around the world, especially youth, will realize the dangers of the drugs they choose to take - the substances that destroy so many lives?

Am I fighting as an sex addict - someone who has put everything including his and others' lives on the line for fleeting moments of pleasure that merely act as my drug - clouding the pain of a life full of loss, abandonment and rejection?

Am I fighting as a American for democracy, freedoms, rights and privileges?

Am I fighting as a voter - someone who regardless of political scandals, lies and conspiracies - still puts his faith into a broken system - hoping that eventually the change he is seeking will come?

Am I fighting as a creator, a visionary and an artist for authenicity, originality and integrity? Am I fighting the - sometimes - thin line between reality and imagination - dreams and actuality? Am I fighting to create selfishly or share selflessly?

Am I fighting as a student - to learn all that I can and share that knowledge to those around me - freely and without arrogance? Am I fighting to learn or learning to fight?

Am I fighting as a human - a member of mankind - to live long enough to see people change their hearts and seek peace and love with one another more often?

What battle will I choose to face today? With so many battles - so many enemies - how am I to win and overcome?

"Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward." Hebrews 10:35

"But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." Job 23:10

"Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them."

2 Kings 6:16

You have been caught Jey Walking! (and fighting too!)

do you believe in magic?

2008-12-19T00:01:00.002-05:00

The other night I took one of those 5-Hour Energy drinks - to stay up while I continued cleaning up the mistakes of my semester long procrastination. Around 11 pm I decided I was hungry and decided to go to McDonald's. I went to the one of 6th Avenue and 14th Street instead of my usual 7th Avenue and 14th Street eat-something-before-I-get-on-the-train-home location.

The change was somewhat refreshing. In fact it was clean. The cashier was kind and quick. There were no more than 20 people in the place and this location is large. It was quiet and actually peaceful - for a fast food place and McDonald's in NYC - no less. I got fresh, hot fries for the first time in forever. There was no employees yelling at each other. No one walking around soliciting people for money and no one loitering . It was quite the experience.

I got my food and sat down and as I began to eat - The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) began to play. To be real honest - I thought a tear might come rolling down my face at that moment. I wondered to myself if the energy drink had transported me to a hallucinogenic dimension. Where was I - New York City's Union Square was outside but inside it felt like I was in Small Town USA. Another song came on that is about going to Toytown but for some reason it sounded like Georgia - and that warmed my heart a little more. Maybe it was the magic of the Christmas season - it all seemed like an out of body experience.

Just as I was swept away with dreams of a snow covered New York City Christmas - in walked three white guys who - in my opinion - may not realize that they're white. Their clothing choices said it all - baggie pants - NASCAR racing jackets (one was for Double Stuff Oreos - maybe he thinks he is an "oreo") and Yankees hats cocked up and to the side. Even more disturbing was their language - there is nothing worse than anyone - but certainly white guys - throwing around the "N" word.

I soon left the McDonald's magic to return to my computer and the nightmare of the finals season - but now it's over - so there's some magic!

You've been caught Jey Walking!

something's coming

2008-12-15T18:40:00.007-05:00

http://www.westsidestory.com/site/level2/lyrics/something.html

During this fast I recently held I requested a blessing from a friend. In the blessing it was mentioned to me that my life was on the Lord's timetable - as I believe all of our lives are. I felt something different though - I have since felt a deep urgency to get my life in order; to no longer procrastinate and to prepare for something that is coming - just as Tony sang in West Side Story - but most likely unrelated.

A few days later I sort of had a half-conscious dream of a name - the name of a foundation/organization. I am in school for Nonprofit Management and I had a dream about a foundation that doesn't exist, yet - is it a sign or just a dream?

The thing is I care about three things a lot:

HIV/AIDS related issues and policies
Foster Children's Rights Advocacy / Child Abuse Prevention
Drug Abuse Education & Prevention

So I guess I wonder what it is I am here for...what's my purpose? What does God want me to do to better myself and to serve Him?

Is it to manage a nonprofit, be an advocate/lobbyist, write a blog/books/essays, run for public office, be a motivational speaker OR am I supposed to live the gospel, be a good friend, a loving brother and testify of Jesus Christ and His gospel of peace and salvation and not worry about others so much (is that considered living the gospel)?

Today was my last session of my Making A Difference: Global, Organizational & Individual Perspectives on Social Change class.
We had our last discussion stemming from these three thought-provoking questions:

What kind of change do you plan to bring about?

What does "social change" mean to you?

What kind of leadership is needed to bring about this kind of change?

Whether I live until September 21st 2013 or 2079 - I realize that I cannot continue to waste my time here on Earth - not when there is so much work I could do - so many things I can contribute with the many gifts, talents and abilities I have been blessed with.

I will say what a friend told me - I will not mock my journey. After coming so far, being blessed so much and being saved so many times - how can I turn my back now - how can I mock the journey I have made thus far? I can not. I will not.

Just some thoughts for today. I will try to tell a joke next time - I don't want to be accused of being so serious all the time.

You have been caught Jey Walking! (a little struttin' too - tisk tisk)

faith, hope & love

2008-12-13T16:40:00.006-05:00

I visited my doctor yesterday and my T-cells went back up from 303 to 360. My viral load went down from 81,000 to 66,000. This is great news, but not a significant change.

I do, however, completely acknowledge the faith, hope & love of the many people who fasted, prayed and/or went to the temple on my behalf and others with HIV/AIDS. I acknowledge the great power, love and grace bestowed upon me and others by God. It could have been worse; my T-cells could have dropped to 246 and my viral load could have gone up to 96,000 which would be REALLY close to being diagnosed with AIDS.

I decided that, though the results were good, I would still start my medicinal treatment when school ends next week. After discussion of my options (thank goodness I have any) I am going to start my first drug cocktail of Viramune (http://us.viramune.com/) and Truvada (http://www.truvada.com/). I only have to take 3 pills once a day. What a blessing and how marvelous is the advancement of science and medicine - people used to take anywhere from 12 - 20 pills three times a day or more. Not to mention that EACH pill would cost between $40 and 100. My medicine is provided to me for free. Like I said, God loves me - I can't possibly doubt that He does.

I just wanted to share this update with you and thank you for your continued support - it means so much to me. I know that God blesses those who bless others - I pray that God shines His light and love upon you, especially during this joyous and beautiful holiday season.

love Jey

You have been caught Jey Walking! (thank you, come again!)

procrastination, frustration & revelation

2008-12-09T18:18:00.007-05:00

These three words seem to sum up all of my experience in 2008.

Every year, around this time, I ponder my mistakes, regrets, grudges still held and fleeting moments of enlightenment.

I usually send out an email in lieu of a picture of myself, alone, inserted into a classic "Holiday" card. The one year I did that it costs me nearly $50 so I vowed not to do it again until I am married - so at least I have someone else to talk about and be in the picture with.

This year I will still email - but due to the downfall of the economy, I am merely attaching this post on my blog to people I love and care about. (I know, lucky them)

As it is with tradition I will run through this year's past events and milestones - some of them you may not have heard of yet - so it's like a gift.

January

A new year, last semester of school and I just ended my internship with the GA Secretary of State - I was looking for a smooth 11 weeks towards degree completion. I went back to work for The Art Institute of Atlanta, where I was attending, in the Accounting Office. I continued to record my piano music with friend, Phil Hall. I applied for the lucrative MTV Networks Summer Associate Program but was later told I was not qualified or acceptable - ouch! I said good-bye to Jennifer - my girlfriend - as she went back to Columbus, GA to prepare to leave for the MTC. President Gordon B Hinckley died - I still miss him.

February

Jennifer left to the MTC. Another Single's Awareness Day (Valentine's Day) goes by me. I bought a new laptop - my first! LEAP YEAR! (really, I don't know why that's exciting for me)

March

My 10th anniversary of March 1st - I can't believe how fast times go by. Joined forces with the Clark Howard team to help Habitat for Humanity finish 5 houses in one day. I finished my BA Advertising degree from The Art Institute of Atlanta. Within a week afterward found out I was accepted into Milano The New School for Management & Urban Policy in New York City. I would be pursuing a Master's of Science in Nonprofit Management degree. I moved in with Jacob Terry - great guy!

April

General Conference - first solemn assembly I remember viewing - but I was sad because I could not be counted. (I am hoping I will be able to next time) Started a PT job at The Fresh Market in the bakery - remember the posts earlier this year? I brought my family history out of the dust and tried to get some work put together - thanks to Jeff Babcock. I broke my silence once again and wrote an essay to North Star - a website for LDS people dealing or wishing to help those who struggle with same-sex attraction. Nate Mortensen, Geoff Davies and I journey to the Jacksonville, FLO-RIDA to chill with Lt. Cliff May before he departs to Japan for his military duties flying helicopters

May

Jennifer completes her stay at the MTC and leaves for Mongolia to begin the end of her mission. My brother Steven gets engaged to girlfriend Katie. I officially accepted my acceptance into graduate school - which was terrifying. I started working for friend, Mindy Spritz, at the Spruill Center for the Arts. I opened up to my friend at church, Clint, about struggling with same-sex attraction - we become better friends because, well, we share the struggle and he's awesome! I start my new blog - duh - THIS ONE!

June

I walked across the stage of the the Georgia World Congress Center and graduated - just after they cleaned it up from a tornado that rushed through downtown Atlanta. I attended Journey Into Manhood - it was quite an experience. I am finding out a lot about myself - the way I treat myself and how far I have come in this journey called life.

July

My 29th Birthday! I found out I could help produce/have children someday despite being HIV positive - I was shocked! Friends said temporary good-byes to Cliff & Jill May as they left the US to live in Japan for three years. (I am planning to go to Japan next summer) Spruill Summer Camp ends - it was so fun and such a great experience. I stopped working at The Fresh Market as well.

August

My grandmother Carole's health is still declining but she turns 81. My mother turns 60 despite struggling with AIDS for over 15 years. Amazing 2008 Beijing Olympics takes place - Michael Phelps wins eight gold medals and I saw it happen. My awesome friends join me in my farewell to Atlanta party that was just too wonderful - words can not express. I played one last song for the North Point Ward sacrament meeting, "Because I Follow Thee" - parting is such sweet sorrow - I really do miss my Atlanta friends - I feel I have taken them all for granted. I moved to New York City (Brooklyn) with acquaintance Martin Harwood and within a few days I lost my new phone and pair of Rx glasses in a cab. Welcome to New York City!

September

Ty Mansfield comes to NYC and a few of us enjoy Long Beach on Long Island on Labor Day - a day full of riptides and lifeguards! Classes start - I must be so used to art school that I forgot to bring a notebook and pen to class - too funny - I felt real stupid. Within a month of living in NYC - I get mugged on a Sunday night but am not hurt - my new laptop and passport are taken from me, sadness. Again, welcome to New York City!

October

Martin & Mim get married and I move out to a temporary apartment in Manhattan while my permanent place gets renovated. General Conference felt different, but sweet. Visited Atlanta for a week to get some of my belongings. Enjoyed a day with friends at an Apple Festival and Pumpkin Patch. My doctor tells me it's time to start medicinal treatment and I finally have to face the fact that I am not invincible.

November

Finally moved into my NEW semi-permanent apartment on Madison Avenue. Senator Barack Obama elected first black US President! (I voted as a New Yorker!) Watched the NYC Marathon from my livingroom - love my Central Park/5th Avenue view. Special Stake Conference with a visit from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland - awesome! Thanksgiving Day celebration with Seth Hill - "Enchantment Under the Leaves" - what a great time. Held a special World AIDS Day fast - over 40 people joined me.

December

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin dies - another spiritual giant gone. Completed first semester of graduate school - somewhat unscathed. Looking forward to my first NYC Christmas and New Year's Eve celebration, (though without family) while starting medicinal treatment this week despite doubts and fears.

I guess that's all - it still amazes me that so much fits into one year. Here's to the new year 2009 which will, undoubtedly, bring with it opportunities and challenges to face and learn from and maybe a few revelations along the way.

I love all of my friends and family wherever you are and hope and pray that each of you continues to celebrate the life you have with those you cherish so deeply. I hope that as we tread forward into the dawning of a new era - we can all face the opportunities and challenges we are given without forgetting to remember He who walks with and watches over us has provided a way to that eternal joy we all seek.

L'Chaim!

love always, your friend and brother Jey

You have been caught Jey Walking (like an Egyptian!)

reaching

2008-12-08T11:54:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, in church, a young woman told us about how she had asked God, "how should I worship today?" The answer came to her, "Worship is reaching, reaching is worship."

I immediately replaced the word worship with a hundred different words - but the word grow - in its many forms - rested upon my mind the longest.

God, how can I grow today?

Growth is reaching, reaching is growth.

This has stayed with me since. I have always known this to be true, but maybe not as much in the spiritual sense. As a former athlete, I was taught the importance of muscular growth and care. I learned that one must set goals and reach them in order to have muscles expand. In order for the muscles to be useful, one must stretch them out before rigorous use, like a race or a game. If a muscle is damaged, there are certain ways to repair it over time.

A young man spoke about turning 30 and the concern he had regarding such a milestone. He was concerned about his physical ability and health and wanted to make sure he was in great shape for his thirties. He read a guide to prepare for a new physical fitness regiment in which the first step is to consult a doctor before making any major changes to one's daily routine. After he found out he was in great shape and had the go ahead to apply a new, rigorous workout to his 30 year old life - he pondered about his spiritual 30. He wondered why he had not worried about where he was with his testimony and spiritual growth. He then made the comment that maybe the scriptures should have a tag on them that reads: Please consult God before starting a rigorous spiritual regiment. How often do we just binge on spirituality in an effort to become closer to God, but leave God out of the process along the way?

I guess I needed to hear about growth yesterday - whether it be in the way I worship, take care of my body or spirit and also the way I treat others.

In Sunday School I read Mormon 7-9, in which Mormon is telling the Lamanites of our time what they must do to receive celestial glory. At the top of the list was that they needed to lay down their weapons of war and delight no more in the shedding of blood. I pondered how I could apply that in my life, though admittedly, I am not a descendant of the Lamanites. Then it came to me that I have various "weapons of war" that I use to battle or hurt others and even myself everyday. Weapons like hate, fear, doubt, sarcasm, lying, stealing, cheating, mockery, gossip, fighting or contention. These weapons can also replace "shedding of blood" - I doubt that I delight in murder, but how much do I delight in the misery of others - heck myself - sometimes I enjoy conflict. At first, I thought, I don't really delight in doing any of these things and yet there are some on the list and some not listed that I do and continue to do even when I know they cause myself or others pain or anguish. Fortunately, I have been able to recognize my faults as I grown up and been able to reduce my weapons of war and my "delight" in the shedding of blood or causing someone else pain or anguish.

So, how can I continue to grow?

Mormon tells me the answer is accepting and living the gospel. Now that's a reach for me, but I don't have to reach all the way to the Celestial Kingdom now - nor could I ever - based upon my own strength or merit. That's why I have a Savior - one who will reach the distance I can not. He is the one who will match my growth times infinity. The first step to growth is reaching. Reaching is growth; in the spiritual sense - it is humility.

In response to President Benson's statements on humility, a young man in Sunday School made the comment that he is weary of praying for humility because it will only bring more trials upon him. Truthfully spoken I think because humility is obtained through trials. However, I responded to him with a story I was inspired to read this last week in scripture study - the story of Moses. Moses saw God face to face and was transfigured before him to be in the presence of glory. It took time for Moses to regain his own natural strength once God left. Moses comments that, "Now for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed." (Moses 1:10) Listen to the sound of humility in that verse. Immediately after this is said Satan arrives to tempt Moses. It is because Moses was in the depth of humility that he could fight against Satan - for Satan had no glory. Moses called upon God for help to get rid of Satan because of humility - he knew God was God and He would add to his strength during a very overwhelming trial. My point I made to the young man is that trials will come regardless of whether you pray for humility or not. The idea is that while you pray for humility you are in essence praying for God - not to take away the trial - BUT to guide you - as He did Moses - in fighting against Satan when the trials and temptations are upon you.

I just wanted to share what I had learned yesterday - I found it all to be enlightening and helpful.

Maybe I am only 5'10 here on Earth - but I hope that as I continue to obtain humility and strength from Lord and as I grow - I will spiritually be at least 10 feet tall or maybe bigger just for effect.

You have been caught Jey Walking! (or "growing" for that matter)

the distance you have come

2008-12-02T01:29:00.007-05:00

I thought these lyrics came to me at just the right point in my life - The Lord knows I learn best through music and this song really moves me - I hope you agree (to listen: go to his website)

The Distance You Have Come
music and lyrics by Scott Alan
www.scottalan.net

I don't know where tomorrow finds me
The only thing I know is where I'm standing now
In this life there's never been a guarantee
Which seems to be the only guarantee I've found

But keep your eyes upon the road - keep driving
It won't be long until you see a sign that says that you're arriving
And when you reach that day
When you conquer what's behind you
Don't forget the fight it took to get you there
And when you reach the top of the mountain you've been climbing
Don't forget the distance you have come

It's hard when no one tells you if you're winning
But just remind yourself how far that you've already come
And some days you may feel that there is no ending
But if you give up now you'll never know if you could have won

Keep your eyes upon the road - keep driving
It won't be long until you see a sign that says that you're arriving
And when you reach that day
When you conquer what's behind you
Don't forget the moments that have come before
And when you reach that place
When you're miles from where you started
Don't forget the distance you have come

And there'll be days that the weight of the world will bind you
And you're wondering if the world really needs you
But keep on going - keep on driving on
Cause the sign ahead will soon be behind you

And when you reach that day
When you conquer what's behind you
Don't forget the fight it took to get you there
And when you reach the top of the mountain you've been climbing
Don't forget the distance you have come

When you conquer what's behind you
Don't forget the moments that have come before
And when you reach that place
When you're miles from where you started
Don't forget the distance
Don't forget the distance
You have come

what can we do?

2008-11-29T12:03:00.006-05:00

December 1st is World AIDS Day - who cares, right?

What can WE really do about it?

I want to talk about what we can do for World AIDS Day.

I am starting a special fast TONIGHT through tomorrow for those with HIV/AIDS

I call on those who can and are willing to participate to join me in one united fast and one united prayer that those who struggle will have the care they need - that those who struggle with addiction that led to infection may find the help they need that leads to change - and that they will want to change, that a cure will not only be discovered, but made available to all, not just the rich. I am fasting and praying that leaders across the world and our future government leaders will do more, spend more to help educate, outreach and prevent further transmission of HIV.

Here's my story:

Three years ago today I walked out of AID Atlanta diagnosed as HIV positive.

A lot has changed in three years including my health.

Since August my T-Cells (helper cells/CD-4) have gone down and my viral load has stayed high. Doctors recommend medication to positive patients whose T-Cells have dropped below 350 or whose viral load is consistently high.

My T-Cells have been below 350 since May 2008 and have dropped down to 303. HIV positive patients that drop to 200 T-Cells are diagnosed as having AIDS (You must be HIV positive to be diagnosed with AIDS - you can't get AIDS.)

Starting this December I will be looking at medicine or my first "cocktail" (a mixture of meds) to start fighting the HIV virus in my body. Unfortunately, these potent drugs can cause adverse side effects - so I may not feel so great this holiday season. Also, I can become immune to the positive effects of a drug and have to switch to another drug which also comes with its own side effects. This is a process I have been avoiding because of school, but now I have to face the music and the holiday break is the ideal time to do this.

The point of this email is to ask you to take part in a special fast on my behalf and on the behalf of all those who struggle with HIV/AIDS including my mother. I will be fasting all day Sunday, November 30th for World AIDS Day on December 1st. I also ask that as many of you that are willing to go to the temple during this time would really be appreciated. I am not sure how it works to get my name on a temple prayer list.

This is a huge transition for me in my life, especially right now. I am praying that Heavenly Father will provide my doctor with the right knowledge needed to prolong my life as long as He wills me to be here. I am praying that the medicine that is chosen will be the right one to help me overcome HIV. I am praying that I will have the faith and courage to make better lifestyle choices to assist me in having higher quality of health. Please join me in these prayers on my behalf.

I love all of you and I am so thankful you are in my life. I trust you and know that I am in your thoughts and prayers already. I know that if we join together in this special fast that God will hear our prayers and bless us for our faith.

Just one more thing, prayers and fasting are awesome, but if anyone would be willing to make a contribution of time or financial means to your local HIV/AIDS organization for World AIDS Day it would mean a lot to me.

There are a number of things one can do to observe World AIDS Day! Buying Starbucks that donates only 5 cents to the Global AIDS Fund through product (red) is not the greatest idea - but how you observe it is up to you. I suggest an action because faith without works is dead. I never feel like my prayer will be answered if I do something on my part to make it happen or get the ball rolling.

Thank you so much for joining me and others in this united fasting and prayer.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

the not-so-lonely road

2008-11-29T11:53:00.009-05:00

The Journey To Emmaus by Robert Zünd

December 1st is World AIDS Day

Though I wrote this awhile ago for another site - I felt that I should share it again.

The Not-So-Lonely Road

I am inspired by those with cancer and other life threatening illnesses as they battle with courage and optimism to the end of their mortal existence. However, I seldom look in the mirror and witness my own courage and perseverance I exhibit each day of my own personal war with both body and soul. One day I may see that I am like those I am inspired by. Maybe this will lift the hearts of those who read on—I'm not sure—but I feel the call to share my story.

I have struggled with same-gender attraction for longer than I can remember. It wasn't until 19 that I went to a bishop for the first time and attempted to put on my armor of God and become a soldier in my own fight. For the last ten years I have wavered in my Church activity and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, but I haven't given up.

Between 19 and 23 I was very sexually active even while being very active in Young Single Adult wards. Living a double life cost me the blessings the Lord had in store for me. I missed an opportunity to serve a mission when the branch president announced the "raising of the bar" for missionaries. Going inactive again because of my lack of faith, I ventured head-first into the shallows of the darkness off the path that led to the Lord. I sought ways to hurt myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically—nothing seemed to ease the pain and agony I felt because my choices only led to more pain and agony, not to mention anxiety. I made the choice to make my road lonely by leaving the path of light and truth I was on with friends, family, and even the Lord.

Later on I was motivated to return to church and make my life right, but I still didn't trust the Lord would help me or come to my aid. My bishop showed me all the love he could, even when it came to time to discipline me for my actions. He always supported me and tried to lead me back to the safety of the Lord and His gospel. I came to a point when I realized I needed to be excommunicated because I had offended the Lord and was unwilling to make sacrifices needed to be worthy in His church. I didn't realize it immediately, but that day was probably the most painful day for the Lord and me both—but it needed to happen for change to occur in my life.

Shortly afterward, I assumed being excommunicated was like a free ticket to the "sin amusement park"—I could sin as much as I wanted to without any consequences. That was the sign Satan posted on the gate anyway. I gave up my sobriety from alcohol, pornography, and sex and continued down a slippery slope to the bitterness of hell. I remember that summer vividly. I was in school full-time with three jobs and three rehearsals a week for a show I was in, not to mention it was hot, humid, and I didn't have a car. My body, mind, heart and soul ached everyday—I had no or little connection to anything or anyone—especially because I lived in a dark and lonely basement apartment. In October, I started to notice a change in my body—something very different and very physical. Maybe it was from a steady diet of Ding Dongs and Yoo-Hoos, or overworking my body and mind. Maybe it was from not having the spirit with me. Either way, I was exhausted!

One day after a shower I took to relax, I looked into my mirror and saw something new. It wasn't courage or optimism like I hope to see one day—it was yellow. My eyes and parts of my face were yellow. The last time I saw something like this was when my brother had jaundice caused by his hepatitis that came from his life long battle with cystic fibrosis. Doctors thought I had cystic fibrosis when I was born, but it was just pneumonia. In fact, I was born with a weak immune system—I can get sick quite easily. Being somewhat alarmed I decided to get it checked out after my show was over and I could relax for a bit. During the next two weeks it only got worse. It was particularly bad when others began to notice. I decided to go to a free STD clinic to check everything out, since I had been so sexually active.

On November 18th, 2005, I walked out of the clinic knowing I was HIV positive. The jaundice was caused by the Hepatitis B I also had. Apparently, I had been positive with both since early 2003 based on my low T-Cell count. The jaundice came due to my stress, unhealthy diet, and constant dehydration. Actually, it came as a blessing, because I didn't know I was living with HIV. I walked alone out of the clinic back to the train station and soon realized how different my life was going to be. I knew immediately that I was being given another chance to turn back to God—even though it was like my 21st chance; God found a way to call my name so that I would finally listen. There's nothing like a terminal illness to catch one's attention.

I am not sure this qualifies as irony, but years before in 1997 I found out that my then-imprisoned mother had contracted HIV in the late 1980's. I decided to learn a lot about HIV/AIDS and later in 2003 became an educator and activist. The problem was that I didn't believe it could ever happen to me. During my self-destructive phase, I went looking for HIV-positive men to have unprotected sex with to ensure my chances of becoming positive. My tests never came back positive for two years! I am glad that they didn't because I was more inclined to suicidal thoughts then, and I am afraid that had I known then, I would have ended my life. The good part of being an educator, even despite my ignoring what I knew was safe and right, was that I knew what steps to take now that I knew I was positive.

My mother was released from prison earlier in 2005 and had told me how she had changed her life in prison and was looking forward to being rebaptized. At the time I told her I was excommunicated, and why, and also that I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore. Later when I found out I was HIV-positive, I reconnected to her since she was now living with AIDS. And God blessed us both. She was able to testify to me that regardless of what happens to her body, her soul belongs to God. That testimony has stayed with me and has changed my life. Even though I had been to church off and on after my excommunication, this time I decided to really put forth an effort to gain a testimony of the gospel and exert my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. It has not been easy; I have missed being rebaptized twice in the last three years because I gave in to temptations that, at the time, seemed so harmless.

HIV/AIDS is a terrible disease, like many diseases are. For my mother and me, it has been a catalyst for change. Some may say my mom found jailhouse religion, and others may say I feared my death, so I changed. Regardless, God has allowed the two of us to reclaim our souls and to be purified and made whole through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. That is what was central to my mother's testimony to me. She has been rebaptized already and testifies to me that the Atonement of Jesus Christ works deep within us to cleanse and sanctify us all. I am still looking forward to the waters of rebaptism and the rebaptism by fire and the Holy Ghost—which I miss dearly—but my mother can testify "that all things work together for good to them that love God" (Romans 8:28).

HIV/AIDS doesn't have to mean that life is over. It actually can be the sign that a new life has just begun. Some say God gave mankind HIV/AIDS to punish them; I believe I was given a second chance to turn my life to God. I find now that my path is the not-so-lonely road because I know Christ walks with me each step I choose to walk with Him—and like the story of the footprints in the sand, there are days He carries me instead.

Is it any wonder that the scriptures tell so many stories about paths and roads? Think for a moment on the stories of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness, the Good Samaritan finding the beaten man on the road, the road to Emmaus, the conversion of Paul, the path towards the Tree of Life and the conversion of Alma the Younger and the sons of Mosiah, to name a few. Think even for a moment of the road that Jesus walked with a cross upon His back towards Calvary's hill. Paths and roads are powerful symbols of trial, tribulation, miracles, conversion, and sacrifice. What is even more powerful about paths and roads is that they either lead to light and the Lord, or to darkness and sin. The Lord is with those who choose to walk the path towards His light, truth, and joy. I have seen both roads. I testify that the Adversary will make his road look easy and comfortable, but further down it only leads to misery and pain. The Lord's path includes hardship, trial, and tribulation, but with endurance and faith in Jesus Christ, it will always lead safely home to eternal rest and joy. The road many of us travels on toward God, while enduring the hardship of HIV/AIDS, is a not-so-lonely road because Christ and His angels are with us and will guide us safely home toward the Tree of Life to have eternal joy and rest.

To my dear brothers and sister who struggle with HIV/AIDS—please know that your life is not over. Seek the understanding needed to see that this life is truly the time to prepare to meet God, regardless of our physical ailments, deformities, or hardships. When God asks his sons and daughters to do something, He also promises to prepare and provide a way to do what He has asked. I testify to you that God knows you; He loves you with or without a disease. Having HIV/AIDS is itself not a sin. It's not fun, either, but it can be an opportunity to humble yourself to ask for the mercy and help of God and His Spirit to guide you in the rest of your journey here and beyond. Jesus Christ, our Redeemer and Savior, took upon Himself the sins, sicknesses, and heartaches of all mankind. I know He took on HIV/AIDS. I know that, because He did so, He knows how to succor those who struggle with it. He knows the way, because He is the way. I know the Atonement of Jesus Christ is real. It is the power to make us whole and allow us the opportunity to enjoy eternal life with our Heavenly Father and family again. If you are not on the right path, please hear the call to join Christ on His not-so-lonely road of light, peace and love. There's always room for another.

Whenever I think of my mortality and how my days may be numbered, I think of Job, whom I love for his great testimony:

"For I know that my Redeemer liveth, and that He shall stand at the latter day upon the earth; And though after my [immune system, HIV/AIDS will] destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God" (Job 19:25-26)

Diseases, sickness, and ailments of all kind may destroy the flesh, but only we can make the choice to destroy our souls. "Choose you this day [whose path you will follow]…" (Joshua 24:15)

In the words of President Gordon B Hinckley:

I know that my Redeemer lives,
Triumphant Savior, Son of God,
Victorious over pain and death,
My King, my Leader, and my Lord.

He lives, my one sure rock of faith,
The one bright hope of men on earth,
The beacon to a better way,
The light beyond the veil of death.

Oh, give me thy sweet Spirit still,
The peace that comes alone from thee,
The faith to walk the [not-so-]lonely road
That leads to thine eternity.
("My Redeemer Lives," Hymns, no. 135)

special visitor

2008-11-23T18:58:00.005-05:00

It was only two weeks ago that I heard that Elder Jeffrey R Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve was visiting the New York New York Stake for a special conference. Apparently this is a new type of conference that the Twelve are trying out - I know Elder L. Tom Perry recently visited West Georgia and Elder Dallin H. Oaks was in Seoul, Korea today.

It's all really exciting to have a real, live prophet in the same room as me. I have been been in the same room as President Gordon B. Hinckley, Elder David B. Haight and actually shook hands with Elder Richard G. Scott and now Elder Holland. I didn't even try to shake his hand, but he did mention my name in his talk - ok that doesn't count because we have the same name and he was actually referring to himself. I know many people who know have met the prophets, shaken their hands, had them as Mission Presidents or talked with them at length. I dare not compare our experiences. I only bring it up to tell you how many times I have been humbled in the presence of the Lord's called servants. They are not perfect men - but I feel they're some of God's best and more refined.

I was struggling to feel the spirit today for several reasons that included 20% of the audience screaming, crying and running around, not to mention there were also children present. I was also distracted by my own unworthiness. I kept thinking, what if, for some reason, he meets me and shakes my hand - as a prophet he will know what a sinner I am. He will look into my tear-filled eyes of shame and feel my shaking hand and look at me with that "look" - funny enough - Elder Holland spoke of this as his fear in meeting the Savior (this is where he mentions himself by our name) He described the look as saying, without words, "Don't you get it - after all the testimonies, the lessons, the miracles, the blessings - don't you understand?" I think we have all had that look from our parents at one point or from a concerned Bishop, Stake President or spouse. It's a look of sadness, disappointment, but hope for the other - faith they will one day get it and understand - a look of compassion.

This fear Elder Holland spoke of was in reference to the story of Christ and His disciples being caught in a storm crossing the Sea of Galilee while the Savior slept in Mark 4: 35-41. The disciples asked, "Master, carest thou not that we perish?" and then Christ stood up and looked upon His disciples - that look that compels someone like me to become broken and humbled. He compassionately rebuked them saying, "Why are ye so fearful, how is it that ye have no faith?" The response after the storms were calmed was, "What manner of man is this..." I know the answer is that He is the Son of Man - the Only Begotten Son Of God and my Savior. Though the "look" is hard to receive - the refinement it offers is not only needed but a catalyst for change - we see how it helped His disciples.

Elder Holland went on to instruct us through the Spirit - he said any man can steer a boat upon the calm sea - even a child can do it - but when the storms of life come - we need to turn to the Savior (even experienced seamen like the disciples were frightened and called upon the Savior). There will always be challenges - but the gospel makes living here in mortality alright because we have a better existence to look forward to, though we must try to live that quality of life here as much as we can now. He warned that often we are tempted to jump off the boat in the middle of the storms (give up on relationships or the lack of, quit school or jobs,etc). He cautioned us to hunker down in the boat, grab on and don't let go. Now, more than ever, we need to hold onto the boat that is the gospel of Jesus Christ that will guide us safely to the lighthouse that is Celestial glory. We need the gospel in our lives more than we've ever need it before, we need the scriptures in our lives more than we've ever needed them, we need faith more than we've ever needed it, we need prayers more than we've ever needed them. This is when the Spirit finally broke through to me - though I fought it off while the children's choir sang "If the Savior Stood Before Me" and "I Am a Child of God" - but now I really knew God was talking to me directly.

Elder Holland also made a point about when Christ told His disciples that the kingdom of God is within you. He noted that the emphasis needs to be on "YOU" - meaning that we individually and collectively through our obedience and faith carry the kingdom of God within us. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is not a pyramid where the prophet and leaders sit at the top - it's inverted where - somehow - each of us individually and collectively sit at the top and matter most. Our leaders do their (the Lord's) work for us not necessarily for themselves - not because they're concerned with their salvation as much as they're concerned with ours.

The messages of the day were beautiful and exactly what I needed to hear today, now, this exact point in my life.

I am also excited to find out that the music and prints from the "Reflections of Christ" project ( www.reflectionsofchrist.org ) are now available. I remembered my awesome friend Ashley gave me an iTunes gift card I haven't used yet. I was able to buy the album of beautiful and spiritual music. Today has not been perfect but how many days do I get to be in the presence of a living prophet, enjoy the generous gift from a dear friend and listen to angelic music.

I still fear the time will come when, like Elder Holland, the Savior will greet me and will look into my tear-filled eyes trying to hide my shame and sins. As I write this I am overcome by the Spirit comforting me to know that despite the enormity of my sins and shame - Christ will wipe my tears away - give me that look - rebuke me as He did His disciples and say, "Why are ye so fearful, how is it that ye have no faith?" I hope He will continue and say, "You are cleansed, healed, made whole through my atoning sacrifice - you are made worthy in me - enter in and rest. He will embrace me as the hen gathereth her chicks, keeping me safe and protected and guide me home.

I have failed at many things and I know it is true that I am not clean - but I hope the Savior will help to clean me. I love Him - Jesus Christ is my Savior. He is my friend when it has seemed I had none - when I have often walked alone in this life - He has been there - maybe like He was with those on the Road to Emmaus - in my presence while I was unaware. I know He has also sent me certain angels in the form of friends and loved ones who have, maybe unknowingly, guided me back to Him.

If I had one message to leave to the world, my family and friends - it is this, what I learned today that burned inside of me:

When the storms of life come - turn to Him that is the steady compass, He who knows the course - He who will lead to safety. In these times, more than ever before - we need our Savior Jesus Christ.

"Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them" 2 Kings 6:16

You have been caught Jey Walking!

raison d'etre

2008-11-17T19:06:00.012-05:00

I haven't posted in awhile because, while a lot of it is because of my four month transition period here to NYC, it is also due to the lack of internet connection, a major distraction called 'graduate school' and waiting to write about something considerably important. In October I found a new apartment in Central/Spanish Harlem or the very Upper East Side and three new roommates since my temporary arrangements in Brooklyn expired. The apartment I was to move into and signed a lease for was not ready - so they placed us into a temporary five bedroom apartment down the hall from ours which was being renovated. We were told we would we would move in within a week and a half - but no later than November 1st. Without going into any extravagant details - we fought our way into the new apartment by November 7th - it wasn't easy; I had to get tough! {thanks jewish mafia!} Outside from this excruciatingly painful process with an ignorant management company there was a full load of classes to worry about with lots of reading and writing to be done each week. An adventure I would only wish upon the most evil and deserving of my adversaries. {sadly, I think includes myself since I am my own worst enemy, but not in a Christian Slater way} ANYWAY...

Raison d'etre does not have much to do with the sweet dehydrated grapes I like to put into my oatmeal or those wrinkled dancing globs we remember seeing on TV in California years ago. No, raison d'etre is french for reason for being or in the English use, "suggests a degree of rationalization, as the claimed reason for the existence of something or someone." {thanks wiki!}

In attempting to figure out what I would write or how to piece stories together under one umbrella, I remembered what is being discussed in my class, Making a Difference: Global, Organizational and Individual Perspectives on Social Change, aka MAD. Among other words like vision, mission and strategy, we are also focused on this word raison d'etre and how organizations or individuals define their reason for existence or being. I will not nauseate anyone reading this blog with my deep, profound and long-winded definition or opinion on the subject, but I thought it would make for a great theme or umbrella, as it were.

The metamorphosis has begun, unfortunately I don't feel like I am turning into a butterfly, so to speak. {I will refrain from discussing a butterfly's reason for existence, as if there were one} I completely blame this on not having my awesome Atlanta friends and support around me - however - the fault lands on my personal choices. Nothing is the same - going to church is different, going to school is different, the way I dress and present myself is different, my priorities have evolved into an almost unrecognizable creature. The last time I really looked into a mirror and studied my reflection I really felt I was looking at an entirely different person, but that was Halloween. Seriously, I knew NYC was going to be a catalyst for change, but no matter how I tried to pivot or position myself to be ready for that change, I am still a little dismayed and shocked. Not all of this experience has been negative - but in a place like this, negativity seems to reign supreme.

On November 11th 2005 I walked into AID Atlanta feeling pretty low and exhausted. I was there to figure out why my skin was yellow, eyes bloodshot and I felt weak. I went there because I knew I was at risk for Hepatitis, STD's and HIV because of my lifestyle choices of the past. I took my routine HIV test and waited 20 minutes for the preliminary results - twenty minutes turned into an hour and ten minutes. It had not crossed my mind that something was wrong with me - I was so mad I was focused on the "dimwit" tester who must have lost or forgotten about my test. He appeared with another man where I was sitting and told me my results were ready. I didn't tell him how mad I was because all of a sudden I felt like something was different. It was the volunteer's first day on the job and I was his first HIV test he had ever administered. All of his training told him what he was to do - but apparently nothing prepared him for me - his first test he gave was to an HIV positive patient who didn't know he was infected. He couldn't find the mandated counselor he had to have with him to tell me the results - that's why it took so long to get back to me. When I was told that preliminary results suggests that I am HIV positive I simply shook my head acknowledging that I had understood him, told him I didn't need counseling and left the building, alone. The next week on November 18th I found out by blood test that I was in fact, definitely HIV positive and had Hepatitis B - causing the jaundice.

Three years later - here I am. I asked God to let me live long enough to finish my BA at The Art Institute of Atlanta and today I received my diploma in the mail, finally. {thanks Beverly} Now I am asking God to let me survive getting my MS at Milano The New School for Management & Urban Policy. I don't generally focus on the "end" of my life, in fact the "woe is me" bit isn't really my style - though others may argue, it is. Things have shifted a bit recently. Up until now I have lived free of drug treatment because I have been quite healthy for a HIV positive guy. My T-Cells/CD-4 cell count has dropped to 303 {200=AIDS/>600=good} and my viral load is consistently over 50,000, which is not horrible, but not that special either. After my test, in a couple weeks, I will start drug treatment to fight against the virus, in hopes that I will prolong my life and sustain my good health. My goal is to become "undetectable" which would be a T-Cell count of over 600 and a low viral load. I was hoping not to have to do this for awhile, but part of moving here was because I knew this day was coming.

Needless to say, life and my perspective on or about it has changed. My raison d'etre has become more fluid in nature but more defined as I experience more of "life" everyday. The important things I have learned to focus on are simple truths I have known within me for most of my life - I hope that others know this about themselves as well:

I am a child of a loving, all-knowing and merciful Heavenly Father

He has sent me here to learn, grow, be tested and advance {this includes messing up BIG time}

By coming unto His Son, Jesus Christ, my Savior, seeking forgiveness through repentance and sanctification through adherence to covenants and commandments, I will be blessed, healed, made whole and brought home to live with Him again in eternal glory

Heavenly Father has given me parents, {not necessarily biological} angels, friends, teachers, leaders and His Spirit to lead me, guide me and walk beside - to help me find my way - to teach me the gospel and all that I must know to endure to the end with faith, courage, patience, joy, hope and charity

I was not sent here to fail - I am not alone

My raison d'etre is as simple as this: "I am that I might have joy"

Despite my circumstances or maybe because of them - I will do all that I can do to focus on what brings me that eternal joy I so desperately crave - to live with Him someday. I guess I have to start with the man in the mirror {thanks MJ!} and learn how to live with him first.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

mugging & masculinity

2008-09-17T15:42:00.004-04:00

Painting by George Bellows

Today marks my one month being here in beautifully crazy New York City!

So far I have lost my phone and Rx glasses in a cab, locked myself out of my apartment for six hours, been stuck on a subway train/gotten lost in the subway system and of course, gotten mugged.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions - this stuff hardly happens in NYC anymore. NYC is a much safer city than it used to be and my experience has just been uniquely misfortunate (though it has happened to any real New Yorker in the past). I prefer to think of it as a Rapid Residency Program-it's how they help new residents adapt to their new life in the city.

But on to the reason why I am posting...

Being mugged for the first time in my life (knowing it was going to happen) has shaken me up. In reality it was two teen boys who used no weapons, threats or force - they were merely looking for cash. Unfortunately for me, they got my laptop and passport instead (the passport was in the bag).

I could have screamed, ran away, tried to fight them off (trusting they had no weapons) - but I wanted it to be over so I gave in. To be honest I feel raped - violated - and weak. Any sense of masculinity I had - has swept away - though it is creeping back day by day.

I immediately believed it was my fault for carrying my laptop with me, walking alone at night, not fighting them off, not having enough muscles, etc. For the first day or so I have replayed the incident over and over which has led to tears and even made it hard for me to leave the apartment the next day.

As I work with police - I feel more empowered again and am still working on gaining my sense of masculinity - which has proved difficult because that was an issue for me before the incident occurred. It helps to talk about this openly with other men - but I found it hard to talk to my "straight" roommate about it in fear he would judge I wasn't manly enough. I got over that and humbled myself to ask for a blessing after talking to him about it. Things are looking brighter as I continue forward knowing that God's got my back.

This has actually been one of those blessings in disguise as I have asked the Lord what I am to learn from all of this - the obvious answer is humility. I have been slipping down the darkened path and taking upon me the flaxen cords of temptation and sin for the last few months prior to moving and definitely since being here.

I know the Lord loves me so much that He would allow such events to happen in an effort to "wake me up before I go go" too far. I started reading "Believing Christ" by Stephen Robinson again - it has definitely helped to remind me of the true meaning of the Atonement of Christ - who Christ is and what He is not only truly capable of doing but what He is doing for me now and especially when I love and follow Him.

Being excommunicated I have had a hard time remembering how to recognize or feel the spirit- let alone have it stay with me. As I have placed my "sacrifice" upon the alter and humbled my unworthy self before the Lord - I have found that comfort, peace and healing I need.

I know that despite my weaknesses - struggles - shortcomings and lack of faith - the Lord created me as a man. I am a man - but most importantly I am a son of God.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

what kind of light am i?

2008-08-28T15:48:00.004-04:00

My great grandfather Arthur B Clinger was one of the early Stake Presidents of the San Diego region back when it stretched from Oceanside to Yuma, AZ. He later became the Stake Patriarch (the youngest called in the church at the time) giving almost everyone who lived in that region between WWII and and 1975 (I think) their patriarchal blessing. Even my patriarch got his from my great grandfather. Anyway, he had told my grandmother who had told me later on that we are all stars in this great universe. Some of us are great, bright stars who guide others with our consistent testimonies and Christlike lives. There are others who are bright but not always seen - when found those stars can be helpful to those looking for direction. Then there are others who are not as full of light as others - they can't help others because they themselves need to find the light. All stars are loved, needed and apart of the universe - each of us plays a part - but what light are you?

About 73 years ago I lived in this place called Atlanta - quite the strange place - hard to find - very mysterious. One day as I wondered the halls of the church there I was feeling full of wisdom and spoke to a friend about light. I asked her, "what kind of light are you?" This conversation continued for a few Sundays...but eventually it died off.

Recently my mind has wandered in much the same way and the blessing of losing my 24/7 connection to the world via losing my phone in a cab has helped me to connect inward. This has led to insanity on many levels - but now that I am connected to my insanity I have found myself feeling wise again - this is a rare day!

What kind of light am I? Do I lead or do I follow?

The sun
At the center of all things - it is consistent - gives off light, energy, life, direction and warmth. All things follow the sun.

The moon
Basically reflects light from the sun to others when the sun cannot be seen. Though it moves consistently - there are times it can not be seen or seemingly, disappears. The moon both leads and follows.

The stars
Light varies - depending how far they are from us - how old or young they are - how large or small they may be. Some give off strong light and provide consistent direction through the night - while others can hardly be seen. Stars are both leaders and followers depending on their strength.

Halogen
Manmade-Bright, clear, gets hot easily, burn out if left on too long.

Flood Light
Manmade-Bright, long-lasting - used for security purposes or light up large areas.

Flashlight
Manmade-Depending on what brand you buy, batteries used and the bulb it uses can burn out quickly or last awhile. Used to find one's way through the darkness.

Christmas Tree lights or Track Lighting
Manmade-Nice for decoration - superficial and not always too reliable.

Fluorescent
Manmade-Bad for your eyes - provides a false reality of color - overbearing and overused!

That's my list anyway...what kind of light are you?

Please add to my list or make suggestions for definitions

Oh and by the way - I may not be the brightest light or star for that matter - but I am working on becoming the kind of light that warms others, gives life and direction to the lost and weary. I know that as follow the one constant light of the universe I will one day become the kind of light that can do as He does.

My friends, one thing my great grandfather did not include is that we may think we are dim stars in the distant not giving off light or leading others to safety - but so often WE ARE!!! with a smile, a hug, kind words, a text or a prayer - please never underestimate the power of the light you have within! REMEMBER to share and cherish the light you have, receive and give to others.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

i don't think we're in kansas anymore

2008-08-10T02:10:00.004-04:00

This song has been in my head and playing in my heart for the last few days as I heading out toward a new chapter of my life. I hope the lyrics move you as they have me. Carry on...

Carry On My Wayward Son by Kansas

{Refrain
Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say

{Refrain

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say

{Refrain
No!

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
The center lights around your vanity
But surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry (don't you cry no more)

amazing update

2008-08-08T13:31:00.004-04:00

Just a little note for those who read the "amazing" post in June. I took some tests and found that I am able to have children. I guess now all I need is a wife - willing to have them with me.

southern hospitality

2008-07-24T17:35:00.004-04:00

I got to thinking - finally...

All this talk of New York City and I have failed to acknowledge the place that has gotten me this far

Atlanta - HOTLANTA - Capital of the South! Where would I be right now if I wasn't here. Literally, I suppose I'd still be in Washington, DC but I doubt it. I could be in California - but I probably would have left again by now.

It took me four years to figure out - yeah - I was meant to come here - not necessarily forever - but at least long enough to learn a few things.

So here's to southern hospitality and the lessons I learned:

When giving directions - include the exit number - it's easier that way

Southern people don't understand why anyone would call it "THE" 400, "THE" MARTA, "THE" 285...so don't confuse them

No matter what you do on the road, simply attach a little wave of the hand - it seems to fix everything - even fatal collisions & near death experiences

Leaving the slightest hint of space between you and another car is an invitation for any one - even three lanes over to cut in

The state motto: Wisdom, Justice & Moderation means wisdom & justice are to be used in moderation - this of course does not apply to Jack Daniels

Apparently anyone is allowed to run a red light as long as it has only been red for under seven seconds - so, yes - you CAN block an intersection even when there is a sign saying not to

Pedestrians don't use sidewalks - they use the force of being hit by cars to get them where they want to go - so please be considerate and hit a pedestrian

If you see a sidewalk - please try to understand that it will dramatically cease to exist at any point (the sidewalk does really end) - wear appropriate shoes for such occurrences.

If you aren't screaming and sprinting to catch "THE" MARTA bus - how will they know you want a ride?

On a more serious note I have learned that it may be difficult to make close friends immediately - but when you make close friends here - you have friends for life - through thick and thin.

I have met some of the most amazing people here in Atlanta who have taught me so much and helped me grow to where I am now. I am blessed to have had such an experience and to leave knowing I am always welcome back with plenty of open arms.

I appreciate and love each of you who have joined me on part of my journey.

love Jey

You've been caught Jey Walking! (and I know you like it!)

thanks billy joel

2008-07-09T17:15:00.005-04:00

Early on the morning of March 31st - a few days after my classes ended and I graduated college - I got an email saying that I am an acceptable Master's candidate for Milano The New School for Management & Urban Policy in New York City this Fall.

Since then my mind has daily spasms of dreams come true and nightmares realized - a bittersweet concoction of fear, doubt, overwhelming joy and excitement. There are days I think both "Am I ready for New York?" and "Is New York ready for me?" I've come to realize that what I am embarking upon is the beginning of the new authentic ME that sees my vision of my dreams coming to fruition while confronting and conquering my fears. You know, cause if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere and I intend to make my vision come alive EVERYWHERE!

So now one might wonder what that vision is...
Life has thrown me quite a few curveballs and obstacles - I'd venture to say I've even created some those obstacles myself -REGARDLESS - my vision has been and always will be basically this:

I will share all that I have - talents - gifts - knowledge/wisdom - time and means to those who - like me - have endured life's curveballs - continued to fight and are looking to create for themselves a new life and see their visions come alive.

I will achieve this through starting an organization for youth and young adults that focuses on assisting abused foster youth and emancipated young adults in various ways. The organization will also focus on Drug Abuse Prevention Outreach & Education. I will also have an HIV/AIDS Outreach Prevention & Education team serving young adults who are at risk and/or already infected.

I know New York City is the place for me to learn more about how to achieve such goals and, of course, network with others interested in assisting is such a large project and ongoing work.

I am so happy to know in my heart that I am taking the right steps to provide myself with the credentials needed to start and take on such work. I am ecstatic knowing that God supports the work I want to do. The more I think about all the amazing things I've witnessed and experienced in my life and all the things I am about to engage myself into - I can't help but to thank Billy Joel for inspiring me with a New York State of Mind. Thanks Billy Joel!

I hope New York is ready for me...Start spreading the news...

You've been caught Jey Walking! (and there it's ok :D)

what 29 means

2008-07-02T00:32:00.003-04:00

Aw yes - I am finally 29 years old today!

I am so happy to be that much closer to thirty - but I am getting ahead of myself - I must enjoy the year ahead as it comes.

What lies in store in the next year?

August: move to NYC
September: start grad school
October: miss all my Atlanta friends a lot more!
November: NYC Thanksgiving / Macy's Parade - Vote for US President as a New Yorker!
December: enjoy NYC holiday season / go to Cali for Christmas hopefully to warm up - first grad school semester completed! Oh yeah and NEW YEAR'S EVE NYC style!
January: make resolutions!
February: break resolutions and someone's heart on V-Day!
March: start defrosting!
April: spring break!
May: half way thru grad school!
June: start planning a huge NYC 30th Birthday party for this guy I know!
July: yeah, you know - party 'til dawn the next week! / Fourth of July NYC!

So what does 29 mean?

Birthday Number 29
Optimism will be your best friend. You are imaginative and creative, but rather uncomfortable in the corporate world. You are very aware and sensitive, with outstanding perceptive skills and analytical abilities. The number 29 reduces to 11, one of the master numbers, which often produces much nervous tension. Learn to be calm and cool. This is the birthday of the dreamer rather than the doer. You will maintain good contacts.

Today's most reliable unreliable horoscope:
You'll have high energy today, although it might not kick in until later in the day. More than help you get a lot of stuff done, this buzz will help you make some changes within your group of friends. Not everyone is on the same page right now, and these differences are causing people to forget how much they truly care about each other. It's time for a party or other type of group event where everyone can relax and enjoy hanging out together. Plan something with all that energy of yours!

Today brings a sense of starting over, though you may not be entirely sure what part of your life is changing. That's okay -- you just need to make sure you're open to new possibilities.

Is your birthday day 2 of the month?
Your Life
You have great common sense but usually fail to follow through. This might happens because you are too busy with your mission and shut yourself from the outside world. You are clever and profound so there's a slight chance for self-control problem.

Your Love
Your love progress slowly, and quietly. You seem to be contented with your unrequited love. Your are a romantic and loyal lover.

ANYWAY - so I thought this would be a fun little post...I'm not sure any of this stuff can hold up in court.

You've been caught Jey Walking!

yeah!

2008-06-29T11:10:00.004-04:00

So yesterday was my last day working for a certain grocery store bakery. It was quite the fun last day - I'm glad it's over! I will still pop in to help create signage for the store - but that's on my terms only.

I wanted to reminisce on some fun moments of working in such a place.

The funniest thing to ever happen there has already been posted about - please reread to laugh your head off or at least giggle.

Some memorable quotes:

"Can you tell me the main difference between the Almond Croissant and the Strawberry Cream Cheese Croissant?"

"What's the difference between the Key Lime Pie and the Key Lime Meringue Pie?"

"I didn't see any fresh rolls out on the table - do you have anymore?"

"Are these all the cakes you have?"

"Oh my gosh Mom - I want this! MOM - I want this! MOM Give it to me NOW! (crying while being dragged away)"

"I'm trying to be good - uh - I'll take 12 large canolis"

"Can you tell me where the bakery is?"

"Well I guess I'll just have to go to Publix (in a threatening voice)"

"Can you put those in a box - I'm going to Chastain (said in a snobby voice)"

I know most of what I experienced was "you had to be there" type moments - but I promise you that some customers are just too funny.

I told my manager that corporate wants us to be more friendly and helpful to customers so when I ask "Can I help you" and they reply "No, I am just looking..." I am supposed to reply "Well, you didn't end up looking like that by JUST LOOKING!"

I am such a trouble maker! :D

You've been caught Jey Walking!

the blind man who saw

2008-06-28T01:30:00.005-04:00

"Healer" by Mark Mabry (Reflections of Christ)

The Blind Man Who Saw
written by Jey Gladstone
6/22/2008

There was a certain blind man blinded at an early age
Sent off into a dark world to venture on his own
He was cast away from family
He felt alone at church-he had no friends
His community simply rejected him

So he wandered with all his hurt
He didn't understand his blindness
What caused it-when, how or why
No one would give him answers only 'cause he was blind

So he wandered more and just kept on going
He would bump into things-hurt himself-fall down-stumble and cry
He really couldn't help it no matter how hard he tried
To him-the only life he knew was blind
No one offered a hand-a kind voice-or a light
The blind man's world was cold and dark
It offered no relief from the night

The blind man tired of trying - sick of falling and getting hurt
Ventured into his darkest corner where nobody would come to search
Once in awhile he'd reach out begging for water or food
But he's only be scoffed at-rejected-even beaten and often bruised

The blind man sunk so deeply
He never wanted to see the light
He hid as far back into his corner as he could
Losing hope to ever have sight

Then one day he heard footsteps-a few of them walking by
He hadn't heard such sounds where he lived
Where he was is where men die
He started to hear voices-not as harsh as he's heard before
He wondered if they could help him with a little food or more

He wrestled with the decision
Should I stay? or Should I go?
But he knew deep within him if he never left he'd never grow

The blind man thought of the risk
What if they beat me to a pulp?
What if they'd kill me and take away what's left of my hope
Then something welled within him
A feeling he'd hardly felt before
He felt that it was worth taking the journey once more

So he crawled out of the darkness
Yes, bumping-stumbling-falling on the way
But he finally made it into some light
For the first time in a long time felt the warmth of the sun's rays

He could still hear the voices-the footsteps traveling by
He gathered all his strength with him and let out a plea and cried

Oh Lord of Lords - my Master
My Savior-My Friend-whoever you might be
Would you have some kindness on a lonely blind man
Do you have food or water that I need?

He was shaking at the very core while he stayed kneeling on the ground
There was a deafening silence in the air - not even a sound

Then the blind man heard someone ask
Whose fault is it that this man is like this?
Some others said it was his parents
Others said it was his sin

The blind man felt ashamed
For certainly even he didn't know
He's tried to figure that question out
But no answers have come

Another man stood forth
The blind man could sense him draw near
The other man knelt to pick something off the ground
What was he to do was still unclear

The other man answered NEITHER
Not his parents fault nor was it his
Hearing this made the blind man smile and feel so warm within

The other man drew closer and put his hand on the blind man's head
The blind man started to shake but then came peace he's never had
The other man took mud and put it all over the blind man's eyes
The blind man wasn't sure what to do but he heard the other man cry

But that the power of God may be manifest this man will be healed
The mud was wiped from his eyes - the feeling was surreal

Stand and be blind no more said the other man to the blind
Something wonderful was in store that he would soon find

The blind man's eyes filled with tears that helped wash away the mud
But when he opened his eyes he saw unconditional love

HE SAW! HE SAW! and all he could do was SEE!
He saw so much for the first time - it made him so happy
He fell back down to his knees

Oh Lord MY Lord - MY Master
MY SAVIOR IS WHO YOU ARE!
I was once blind but now can see OH so far!
I can see the distant horizon - the azure sky - the clouds
the trees and the glorious sun
I can also see and feel that you are the Almighty One!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
shouted the once blind man as he rejoiced
The other man stood and smiled and said in a beautiful voice

You are healed my son and you are forever mine-I can be your friend
And now that you can see I will walk with you and also be your guide
I want you to follow wherever I might go - to the end
I want to give you everlasting food and water -
A new life for you to live
I've opened your eyes so that to others you might give
Your gift of love and compassion because there are others like you who are cannot see
You can go to reach them - help and rescue them - just like me
Will you be my follower? Even take upon you my name?
I promise you everlasting blessings and release from all the shame

The blind man was so energized - so fresh - clean and pure
He knew he could help other blind men
Whose lives were darkened, cold and voices unheard

The blind man said YES! with a resounding voice
I'll do my very best because now I have a choice
Lord, I will always follow you-I will listen and obey what you say
I will walk in your footsteps and help others on their way
The other man said Thank You and the men-together- left that place
The blind man has begun his walk with the other man
And received His eternal grace

I will continue to follow the Mighty One - the very Son of God
For I am the blind man who-through the Lord's healing- finally saw!
And what I saw was the love of the other man
My Lord-My Master-My Savior-My Friend
I know if I will follow Him
I will be made whole and saved in the very end.

i'm ruthless, cranky & eating top ramen

2008-06-18T23:01:00.005-04:00

Let me begin by saying it's not entirely my fault.

Because I'm a Cancer (zodiac sign) my emotions and mood apparently are going a little haywire.

This happens every year - why?

The full moon before the summer solstice aka the beginning of the cancer zodiac reign. If you don't understand this - I don't care. keep reading.

So for the last few days I have been ruthless, cranky & eating top ramen.

Let me remind all of you that I stopped eating top ramen in 2003. Even at my lowest point financially - I still avoided buying that crap.

Well it's not a financial thing - it's a mood thing. I graduated from The Art Institute of Atlanta on Friday the 13th which must have unlocked something within me because the next day, and since then, I've been, well, not myself.

If you are around me in the next few days - have mercy on me even if I don't extend the same kindness to you - I can't help it.

You've been caught Jey Walking!

amazing!

2008-06-11T00:37:00.005-04:00

I just wanted to share a touching moment in my life...for those who I have already shared this with - you must endure it again :D

I went to the doctor's today - yeah! My doctor wants me to go to a urologist to check out this extra vein I have connected to my testicles - I've had this issue since puberty - but no one seemed to think it was a big deal. My doctor told me she wants me to check it out so it won't prevent me from having children later on if I wanted that option...

Imagine the blankest stare you've ever seen...

I am HIV positive so I looked really blankly at her.

She asked me what was wrong. I said - uh - how do I have children
without infecting my partner or child?

She blankly stared at me and was like - uh - you've never heard of
sperm washing?

Another blank stare.

Uh NO...

Well HIV is only in the semen - not the sperm - so the sperm can be removed and injected into the partner and safely create a child without infection to the mother or child. The egg would just have to receive the sperm - but that's no different from any other pregnancy.

I WAS SHOCKED!

The doctor left for a minute to set an appointment - so I let it soak
in and of course I wept a little for joy.

I am not married yet, but to have the option of having my own child even while being HIV positive is amazing to me. God is a god of miracles and wonder.

HIV really isn't the end of life - I realize now I have no excuses to hold me back from living a normal life on Earth - not that I do anything normal...

PS. For those just finding out about my HIV status - I apologize you are finding out this way - if you have any questions I am not that shy - which is obvious 'cause I've posted about my testicles already :D So anyway...

You've been caught Jey Walking!